Trying..

To put what I'm feeling into words but having the hardest time ever. I'm just gonna type cause I don't know what else to do. My heart physically hurts, literal pain. So many thoughts in my head and I'm trying so hard to just shake this uneasy feeling off. I let myself get SO caught up in wanting someone that I could tell didn't want me the same way...fooling myself into thinking something was better than nothing at all. Fool. Fool has been stuck deep in my thoughts repeating over and over for the past 24 hours. I think that's what hurts more. I feel like I compromised so much of what I am for one person. So muuuch I was normally against, uncomfortable with...I did. All because...I mean I wanted to because I loved....hard. Wanted so badly.

 

Pics, vids...the way we spoke...I thought all that was reserved for me...now, not so much. And then the questions in my head that are swirling that I don't want answered. Did you kiss her like you kiss me? Touch her like you touch me? Make her feel what I felt? All that stuff I thought made me and you...this undefined "us" thing...different....exclusive....special.

 

But on another level it's the lie that sticks out at me. I can't put that part into words. And to receive that information so nonchalantly...so casually...so conversationally...just shows me she dosent/didn't care the way I do/did. But she was worth the lie...from someone I'd have put my life on never telling me anything less than the truth. Someone die hard loyal to me...THAT burns..like you wouldn't believe. And after all that pain, confusion, and tears...numbness is what's left. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what move to make. Do I just carry on like it's all good when inside I'm anything but? I'm supposed to just say hey, how was you day through tears? Do I just go back to hanging out like we're just cool...like....HOW? How do I do that? Then of course the doubts follow, in the back of my head what else don't I know? Who else was there?

 

Fool. There goes that word. While like an ass I'm missing him so much it hurts, well that hurts been replaced. Different kind. I'm writing poems, taking pics. Fool. Calling, emailing, texting. Fool. Fool fool fool....bedroom full of stuff he gave me. Made me feel good being able to see it around me knowing I'm far...fool. My circle is so small...so so small. To know I may have lost one of the closest....10+ years deep. It's a haze...I'm just..numb. Like things are just happening around me now...and Im not even sure he's affected....not that I need him to be. I been still all day. Been still since that message was sent to me. Just been...still. Faking a smile that dosent make it to my eyes...cause those are still wet. Those are still crying.

 

I thought this chapter of my life had ended. That whole heavy heartache chapter. I've felt this before, I know it's temporary. But I figured I'd outgrown it...and the people that made it this far in my life were solid and here for a reason. Those left wouldn't ...couldn't....like I wouldn't associate hurt with them. Guess you can never know for sure. Thing is I'm not mad, initially I was mad...physically...uncontrollably shaking...scared the shit out of me to feel my body shaking like that. To have that strong a reaction...but I'm not mad now. This hurt runs deep thought...like I'm scared. I lost something in me somewhere in the last 24 hours...lost something...that I can't put a finger on, and it scares me....I'm scared to death of losing faith, being jaded, getting used to hurt....I don't want to be that person. My foundation has been shaken to the core though...knocked me off balance and I'm not sure what to do to recover and regain steady footing. So much I wanted to do...

It helps slightly to get it out of my head...slightly,...still processing, still hurt,...still confused...still....just still.