Overload...

**Disclaimer*

This particular post is about to me hella jumbled...so feel free to skip reading it..I'm processing right now and best way to do it is to blog it out sometimes...It may not make much sense to anyone but me**

You ever hold so much in that the idea of letting it out scares you? I'm in that spot right now...

So many emotions, it's hard to get a handle on em all...travel, business, love, life, break-ups, friendships, jealousy, frustration, insecurity. I'm juggling more and more every day just waiting to see what drops first...

Every time I feel myself about to snap, about to cry, about to break...I suck it back up fast (I've become quite good at it...) End's with a headache...but that's life right?

*deep breath*...

Boy loves girl, girl likes boy, boy is scared, girl grows impatient, girl leaves boy, boy still loves her, girl gets him back...or maybe she never did. Lovers, friends, back to lovers, back to friends, now in limbo...and my head hurts. Everything for a reason, but what is ever the reason for heartache, is karma really that big a bitch? ...Was i?...They say lets the chips fall where they may, they say if u let someone go yadda yadda yadda...Screw that, I want the chips to fall in my favor, I don't want to lose what should've been mine to start with...mad tense, need a drink, and to disappear, new york again in a month , l.a after that...need a beach in my life...i honestly want to cry, dunno if I'll stop if i start seriously...so no tears for me. Chest tight, eyes burning, gonna try to make sangria for the first time later, am I no longer what he wants? or maybe he no longer trusts me with his heart...cant fault anyone for that but me. Lookin in the mirror is gonna HURT...merry-go-round of emotions ...someone broke the switch and now I can't get off...ever love someone so much that u realize if you can't have them in your life the way u need to...smh...can't ever see him with anyone else so maybe we can't be friends...dammit I'm selfish. black people don't see shrinks right. and now my throats tightening up. 6 can't get here fast enough...need my "upper room" to sit and disappear....and drink. But i get more emo when I drink and I'm back on the blasted merry-go-round except now its spinning faster...No one knows the real me seriously...that's some sad shit. They all love my smile, all love my eyes, all say I'm so pretty, so sweet, soooo...what? Can't remember the last time i cried in front of someone...gotta stay positive, gotta stay happy, roller coaster built to crash it seems, I cry when no ones watching and I laugh when everyone can see...beautiful disaster, all poetic dribble for what? Me? nah im not that poetic...but i am tired. Tired of feeling..tired of tired, tired of wanting those who don't want me and being wanted by those i don't want...always happens that way doesn't it? My empty hotel room next month is gonna be scary...my eyes are burning less, so rambling DOES help, lol. It's better to have loved and lost...bullshit. Why would i want to lose my love...? Tired of cliche's and hallmark card fixes...I need a real answer...why does it hurt and when will it stop, i should probably fall back on him, but giving up isn't like me. Then again whats "like me" hasn't worked in 7 years or whatever its been. That's too long to bounce back and forth...looking forward to a loooooooooooong walk in NY at night, maybe it'll start to come together. I"d like to walk with him, talk with him, just look at him, or be near him, fall asleep with him, laugh with him, listen to his heart beat, look at him lookin at me.... but for what? Un-requited love is a bitch too..i'm setting myself up...for lookin like a fool. My faith in marriages is dwindling, random, but I've seen 2 good friends divorced both b4 30. Only 1 solid still married couple comes to mind and they aren't even MY parents...smh. and there goes the pain again. Butterfly effect thoughts...If i went back and re-did certain parts what would the outcome be? Where would I be? Where would he be? We STILL may not have been together so who's to say? But we could've been...would've could've should've, hind sight is sure as HELL 20-20...So whats the remedy when you can see things clearer LATER? Can't fix it, cant get it back, cant make sense of it..stinging... I think he'd like the "A", already know i love NYC...matters none tho.
and the headaches back...3 hours and counting to go and home to the "upper room" I feel like a fool though, a MAJOR fool...for him. and I'd be a fool for him 30 times over if it meant he'd feel the same way or if it'd take the stinging away... or if I could just get him back,

Deuces.