White flag...

Ever have those "fuck it I don't care anymore" moments...I'm stuck in one now, and I feel like I'm gettin pulled deeper and deeper into that. I don't like it, I've been fighting it...but today...hopefully just today ....I don't have it in me. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs until I collapse from the sheer exhaustion alone...

I'm fighting to LIVE life the way it should be lived...obstacles come, they happen to everyone...but I'm getting to the point where I don't remember NOT fighting...weather it's money, travel, happiness, career...I'm tired. I'm tired of the constant uphill that my life has become over the past 5 years...I'm stronger than I ever knew I was, but I've gotten so tired of trying to be strong all the time, if I don't bend soon I'm going to break...this is the first time in a long time that just giving up has even been a thought for me.

Guess Im becoming aware of the fact that its a constant struggle...for me to be happy, thinking back I don't think it used to be. It's harder than anyone can imagine until they've felt it for themselves...to have that constant, struggle, constant aloneness...I think that's the one that's pulling at me...the alone....I ended up getting real emotional the other night...behind the simplest comment..."you look so happy in that pic" and I sat and looked at it...and he was right I did. But those kinds of pics, those moments...are so far between...it shook me a little. I don't have pics with that kind of happiness, laughter, etc...here. I flipped through my phone, through my galleries, none...mad me so sad ..."sigh. It feels like a losing battle,I'm exhausting so much energy and I'm not moving...and today...I'm tired...of everything.

 

It's never been me to just give up, it's never been me to just throw in the towel...tired of fighting to live my life, and just letting it live me...if that makes sense...I'm sad...as simple and as elementary as that sounds. Its most accurate. I'm sad...with moments of happiness thrown in, while for the rest of the world it's usually the other way around. Funny thing is I'm almost positive...NO ONE knows how deep it goes...my closest of close friends...my family...not a soul. I find myself looking in the mirror differently than I used to...I don't look at my face...I look at my eyes.

It's one of those cute cliche quote...the eyes are the windows...etc etc. I know how sad I really am down deep...sometimes I wonder if my eyes show that when you really look. I don't think so. Funny, he calls me bright eyes...has for years. I knew why originally. They don't look very bright to me anymore...makes me wonder what I look like to the rest of the world...

Content, pretty, happy, ... Goes to show, you never really know...

 

Definitions...

There is a huge difference between a woman that wants you and a woman that needs you...I have to learn to let certain notions go...

 

Make it like....

 Poetry, poetry, poetry. Everything wrong you see make it alright..make it like...~ Tamia

 

Lost medium I believe, and I miss it so much. There once was a time where i'd get the most beautiful most heartfelt words ever inked. No by email, text, or any of that. But in his own writing. His penmanship that would demonstrate his love for me, his nerves visable in the letters and lines, inking something so personal with the intent of giving it away...with the intent of giving me a part of him on paper that I'd keep forever. .. I miss that deep down to the core of me. His words on paper were the most beautiful....the most expressive....I'd give anything....

 

But that's not what this post was supposed to be about....? Or was it...

But my favorite poet...Pablo Neruda, has been heavy on my mind recently...oh what it would feel like to open a letter again, see the beautiful words on the page in his writing...SEE his feelings for me wrapped in those words...hopeless romantic I am....total sucker for it. But the true romance...that passion, that sheer feeling and emotion...that seeing the actual writing knowing it was written with only YOU in mind can convey....god i miiiiiiiss it. I want to read something again that brings tears to my eyes, butterflies to my stomach, that feeling of my heart beating faster then slower then faster...from knowing not only that someone feels so strongly for me...but thought enough of me in this digital age to write. Write til his hand hurt, write with me filling his thoughts, so strong he can still smell me, taste me , feel me....and spill all that into the pages...that passion on paper. Leaving me his heart on the page. 

 

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” 
― Pablo Neruda

Words...his words...I miss them.

In an attempt to see ME clearer...

Figured I'd ramble about ME for a hot one. Maybe if I see it typed it it'll become clearer.

I'm hard on those I consider friends, but even harder on myself. Like if I call you MY friend I hold u in certain regard....once u let that down....*shrugs*, I think it's cause I hold MYSELF in such high regard, as I should( and so should you, don't give just anyone the privelages of callin u friend without earning that title) I don't have hundreds of friends...and I don't believe you do either...,if u have too many then you don't know what one really is...same goes with me loving you. If I say...or better yet SHOW you I ride for you, I'm down for u, call me when you need me, I support you, and I trust you, then don't ever again doubt that I do love you. I don't love easily but when I DO....I love haaaard. It's a bit of a flaw sometimes cause I canbe a bit possessive with those I love most.

I have a distinct jealous streak...I'm not specifically jealous in general...that streak comes few and far between, but when it strikes it's strong...I actuay dislike it alot. It's on my laundry list of things to work on inwardly...not the jealously cause I'm human, just in the ways I let it manifest. when I find that streak showing up I tend to distance myself from the person or situation causing it until I have a handle on myself again.

I can most definitely be a bitch and a half when I dislike you...and it's something that almost scares me about myself....I don't mean petty dislike...I mean the stuff that runs deep. Its a viciousness about me that I'm well aware of...I have been my whole life. I think I tend to keep my circle small more for the benefit of THEM, cause if for whatever reason you change our relationship to something negative, something ugly...I know where to cut you deepest...dangerous...and I don't like ever letting myself get to that place....thankfully when I feel it, I can force it back down in most cases, of just remove myself quickly enough that it won't happen. Rather walk away from you forever than say something I'm well aware can scar you permanently, or at least leave a very nasty bruise on your ego. Human nature is to hurt what hurts you...since I love so hard I hurt twice as hard...and that makes me want to hurt you....any way I can, it's very ugly but very true. Fortunately it's nothing I've had to deal with recently.

I can be borderline obnoxious when I want your attention and I feel I don't have it for whatever reason...it's low key obnoxious, but obnoxious non the less. Nothing short of embarrassing...lol, but it's another one of those...when I catch myself doing it, I pull aaaaaall the way back. Kinda reel myself in...put myself in a corner so to speak lol. I'm getting much muuuuuch better with that one though. Kinda learning that I don't need anyone that dosent need me...and this is strictly on a personal level...diff rules apply to business.

Gratuitous flirting is a new pet peeve of mine im becoming aware of...if ur flirt with me...and her, and her and her and her....then I'm slowly but surely gonna stop taking you serious. Especially under the guise of friendliness, networking, etc etc....i don't think people know the diff between the two anymore especially online. If we're doing business there's no need for a smiley, wink, etc etc to be anywhere in the convo...if its there then we've...or better yet YOU'VE left business behind.

People blur the lines way too much for me...sometimes I wanna remind them all....it's the Internet!! We can SEE YOU!! Stop.

I'm low key competitive...wether its your attention, a promotion, responsibility, friendship, I'm like me me mememe!!!! *hand waving in the air*.... Like give me the opportunity to be whatever it is you're needing me to be and watch me do it better than anyone else...crazy I know. But that's the point of this post...stripping myself bare.

I'm quite moody. I think that's partially because I'm so in my head...constantly thinking, feeling, analyzing, etc...that mixed in with constantly observing those around me...it can send my thoughts...and therefore my moods into a complete tailspin....I think I internalize things too much though. Cause at the end of all this....to know me you'd never know any of this....how's the poem start..."We wear the Mask" still one of my FAV poems to date...

That's all for now..

Year end or just because...rambling.

Got this idea from my favorite to try a post like this...might be therapeutic. So here goes.

I wish you didn't love me....seriously, or maybe not quite so damn much shit. I've never been more confused about life than I have been the last 2 months. Why do you try so hard? Then not at all, then harder than hard...like,get a therapist. How old is too old? I love you, you love me, but something's different. You're the first person for me to decide I want in my life in any capacity I can have you. I'm scared to death to lose you....but maybe that's how he's feeling about me. You can't make someone fall in love with you, you can't force it. Stop. Im jealous of your relationship with her. I can admit it. Once upon a time there was nothing I wouldn't have done for you, how does it make you feel knowing I'll never be that again? Like...do you KNOW you come off like a major attention whore and it's clear your overcompensating all over the Internet? Feel free to stop. It's kinda nauseating. Everyone can't be your "best friend" cut it out. Please don't think just cause I don't say much I don't see you...trust me I see EVERYTHING, he's alot like me in tht way....I don't enjoy driving, put me back on the NYC subways and I'll be juuuuust fine. Stop frontin so hard, no one cares I promise, and unless u plan to be buried in all that "designer vintage" I don't see where it's gonna get you.... U must've been made fun of as a child, shit maybe even more so as an adult. But one more time....no one cares....I admire your work ethic but something about u dosent sit well with me, never been one for by any means necessary/ruthless business tactics....social networking is a necessary evil...I had no idea you were such a flirt...you like that off the keyboard too?.....as business minded as you are, burning bridges is NEVER smart. I'm business minded...but I'm missing some key component somewhere. I miss kissing, like deep passionate leave you out of breath kissing, is it possible to love but not be attracted to?.... Am I a bitch for that? You're not as...."sexy" as you think. Sometimes I feel like life is that moving sidewalk at the airport. Everyone's on it, while I'm walking dragging my suitcase...I'm not into girls, guess u didn't know that, but if I were you're not even my type lol. Friends are the family you choose, you're closer to me than blood, which I'm grateful for and sometimes sad about all at once. You're so awkward socially, I can still see the nervousness, but it's only cause I know you so well....we were SO tight once and now u disgust me. I hope figuring yourself out was worth losing someone that was down for you no matter what, can't lie I, still hurts to know that you thought so little of me and my friendship that it was worth the gamble, oh but I forgot...you still love me right? Remember ....you have a daughter.... that's all I'm gonna say. You don't think before you speak and it's coming back to bite you in the ass. I'm glad you found someone willing to stay but that just makes me wonder wtf is wrong with HER, lol sorry but it's true, and kinda sad. Desperation maybe? Unlike Drake I like sleeping alone. If I could turn back time....but can't so lets not go there. I miss songs in A minor for so many reasons. Why or better yet how do u have so much $$ when you come off so unintelligent? Another online persona? Not you too... Oh just add it in with the rest. I'm sorry your work dosent impress me, ...some of the most talented people I know are wasting it. OMG if I pay you will you stfu and never tweet/FB again? You're never coming over, I'm never inviting you, you'll never have my address, or know where i live stop hinting. Um....I don't like you like tht and I'm not sorry. Raise a man to understand his emotions, but don't raise a man to be a cryer. I can't be the one always wiping your tears...* Riley freeman voice* nigga you gay. Who told you, you were sexy...ole bird chested ass, have a seat thanks. I feel like a wild woman, a lioness when my hair is curly, I think that's why I'm missing it. Please don't tell me how you want me to do my job, thanks. We are not alike...and i know you wish we were...I see through you, no for real, I do.I hate to say it but its true....I see why she cheated. Sorry. But man the fuck up. I think women only want a man to be sensitive to a degree, lol. Don't out sensitive me please. When you say u love me I get butterflies, when he says he loves ,me I get uncomfortable. .....yo you are NOT deep, you're just not, listening to Esperanza, smoking weed, burning incense, and writing bad poetry that dosent make sense dosent make you roots-n-culture it makes u an effin weirdo. I swear if your a bad tipper I get embarrassed that I'm out with you. I swear if you make me walk on the outside of the street I don't think you're a gentleman anymore. I swear I miss when dudes opened your car door, makes me smile when valets do it, and that's hella sad. I miss the vibe of LA...I don't see myself in ATL forever, would Love to rekindle my affair with NY. People that insist on living their lives in the exact same place scare me. You're not more driven than me, nor are u more talented, u just kissed all the right asses. Point blank. I kinda don't feel...protected with you which makes me not wanna be seen with you. I don't love muscles, but I love yours....faces and bodies don't match anymore...it's sad. Manscaping is very necessary. I hear too many I love you but don't see enough demonstrations of it...makes me sad cause I don't want to become that jaded to hearing it. You're not handsome, not sexy, our shoe game is wack, and how are u filming a video when you have no album or label? Are we still doing this in 2011? Whys your girl look like your mom? I'm a sucker for a dope COUPLE, look fly together, that's sexy. I'm not afraid to give compliments. I don't like giving you too much of my attention, you take it wrong every time...i like u as a friend, but ur dick pics are gross, theres only one i like lookin at lol.... if you spell "guap" wrong u don't have any... just saying. Actually the most materially (is that a word, no its not) wealthy people i know don't care about FB pics. take note.....your shoes cost a G, but whats your bank account look like? Stop texting me...call me. I'm dead ass starting to ignore texts for 2012. Try me if you want to. I don't mean to hurt your feelings i really don't...but you've been careless with mine for so long...i find myself no longer giving a fuck. That over head camera angle works wonders. lol. Being pretty isn't a substitute for brains... you're not mixed with 15 diff nationalities, stfu. Stop trying so hard to be "exotic". YOU DON'T...i repeat DON'T have any haters...disagreeing with your bullshit dosent make me a hater. I swear some of ya'll just want "yes men" around you...miss me with that. I need the kind of people around me that will call me on my bullshit. Cause i KNOW i be on it sometimes lol. Dead ass...i'm awesome, like legitimately so....you never knew me, and now i know why... you'd have never been able to understand me....have a life outside of me please...i don't want to be your life...you wont be mine, just saying. Stop being so damn accessible....does every deep breath you take have to be followed with tweet and pic? I'm not anti weave, I'm anti BAD weave...dudes still lie on their dick? Does it matter where you got your purse from....? hair done, nails done...but you're dumb. You've got bad taste in friends...like really bad. Ignore a bbm from me and it'll be the last one you get. Stop talkin about my bottom lip, its low key creepy...creep. Womens bodies are sexy as shit,...There needs to be a state that comes with the views and peacefulness of LA, but the pace and grit of NY...contradiction...if i could find both I'd move today. 2012 I'm not gonna speak on it...just watch. I LOVE you to death...but you don't know nearly as much as you think you do and listening to you talk is low key annoying...but i DO love u lol. if you cant keep a man...ever...chances are its not always them....i can help you but you're too set in your ways... you're SO judgmental...biggest turn off ever. I'm letting fewer and fewer people get close as I get older...i'm not antisocial...just protecting my investment....i want you to hear me , but I'm afraid to let you....on second thought i don't think we were ever really friends....

I'm gonna stop this here, because i went much longer than intended...but it felt good.

Real..

Read that....a real warrior will do anything when he's at war, and that a real lover will do anything when he's in love....deep. Gives new meaning to..." are you a lover or a fighter" ? It made me smile though...

Chatter Box..

I swear my blog is straight pornish there days, maybe it'll calm down once the weather cools down...But presently lets talk sex..(again) I've never been much of a rambler/chatterbox during sex...The heavy breathing or the occasional mumble usually works fine for me...My thing is as long as I know youre enjoying it...I'm good. Wether i can tell by the look on your face...or your breathing...ooooooor the way ur holding me I'm good...

Eyes squeezed shut, biting your lip,or hell even biting mine...yeah thumbs up.

But what IS wack to me is the cliche lines some guys choose to drop...For me talking can be a bonus depending on what your saying...But the wong words are an instant turnoff.

1.Dont ask me your name...Chances are I'm not gonna say it cuz u just made it corny and truthfully if u were DOING the damn thing i'm gonna say it on my own anyway...

2.Dont ask me who's my daddy...corniest shyt EVER said during sex. No ur not my daddy, that'd be gross and illegal, and i dont want to think of my dad or anything dad related when pipe is being laid...please and thank u.

3. Dont' ask me who's it is...refer to number 1. How bout you try telling me it yours! A lil agression and a lil cockiness (no pun) never killed anyone.

If you want to get the juices flowing more than they already are gentlemen get a lil creative...no too wordy...but creative.

How do we feel?

How do you feel inside us?

Are we tight,wet, do we taste good...THINK a lil...We'll eat that shyt up.

And DONT be even louder than we are...no bueno...at least not for me...Cuz I WILL stop and look at you crazy.

Now truth be told not all guys are talkers...so if this isnt you, no worries...Then your action has to pick up the slack.

A lil hair pulling (mines real so it's ok i promise)not just when you're hittin it from the back...during a passionate kiss? If I like you enough to smoke your pole (don't try to gag me tho or its pretty much a wrap)

How bout that heavy breathing...on my neck,by my ears...INSTANT CHILLS!
Every woman has the knee weakening spot...find hers dammit! This kind of research will pay off trust me!

I can't give all my info away...But atmosphere plays a big role too. We're not daft...don't call it "making love" and dont set the scene for that kind of night when we know damn well...IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF NIGHT.

Dosent mean we don't love you, but sometimes I want to have sex...



And sometimes I wanna make love...



But that's off topic...Men that chatter too much during sex turn me off. I'm not a rambler either but trust you'll know when you're on point.

But guys i'm curious...ladies too...What works for you? What things do u say or like to hear during sex?

What things are a no-no?

Whats the best/worst thing someones said to you in the moment?

DEUCES!!!

Overload...

**Disclaimer*

This particular post is about to me hella jumbled...so feel free to skip reading it..I'm processing right now and best way to do it is to blog it out sometimes...It may not make much sense to anyone but me**

You ever hold so much in that the idea of letting it out scares you? I'm in that spot right now...

So many emotions, it's hard to get a handle on em all...travel, business, love, life, break-ups, friendships, jealousy, frustration, insecurity. I'm juggling more and more every day just waiting to see what drops first...

Every time I feel myself about to snap, about to cry, about to break...I suck it back up fast (I've become quite good at it...) End's with a headache...but that's life right?

*deep breath*...

Boy loves girl, girl likes boy, boy is scared, girl grows impatient, girl leaves boy, boy still loves her, girl gets him back...or maybe she never did. Lovers, friends, back to lovers, back to friends, now in limbo...and my head hurts. Everything for a reason, but what is ever the reason for heartache, is karma really that big a bitch? ...Was i?...They say lets the chips fall where they may, they say if u let someone go yadda yadda yadda...Screw that, I want the chips to fall in my favor, I don't want to lose what should've been mine to start with...mad tense, need a drink, and to disappear, new york again in a month , l.a after that...need a beach in my life...i honestly want to cry, dunno if I'll stop if i start seriously...so no tears for me. Chest tight, eyes burning, gonna try to make sangria for the first time later, am I no longer what he wants? or maybe he no longer trusts me with his heart...cant fault anyone for that but me. Lookin in the mirror is gonna HURT...merry-go-round of emotions ...someone broke the switch and now I can't get off...ever love someone so much that u realize if you can't have them in your life the way u need to...smh...can't ever see him with anyone else so maybe we can't be friends...dammit I'm selfish. black people don't see shrinks right. and now my throats tightening up. 6 can't get here fast enough...need my "upper room" to sit and disappear....and drink. But i get more emo when I drink and I'm back on the blasted merry-go-round except now its spinning faster...No one knows the real me seriously...that's some sad shit. They all love my smile, all love my eyes, all say I'm so pretty, so sweet, soooo...what? Can't remember the last time i cried in front of someone...gotta stay positive, gotta stay happy, roller coaster built to crash it seems, I cry when no ones watching and I laugh when everyone can see...beautiful disaster, all poetic dribble for what? Me? nah im not that poetic...but i am tired. Tired of feeling..tired of tired, tired of wanting those who don't want me and being wanted by those i don't want...always happens that way doesn't it? My empty hotel room next month is gonna be scary...my eyes are burning less, so rambling DOES help, lol. It's better to have loved and lost...bullshit. Why would i want to lose my love...? Tired of cliche's and hallmark card fixes...I need a real answer...why does it hurt and when will it stop, i should probably fall back on him, but giving up isn't like me. Then again whats "like me" hasn't worked in 7 years or whatever its been. That's too long to bounce back and forth...looking forward to a loooooooooooong walk in NY at night, maybe it'll start to come together. I"d like to walk with him, talk with him, just look at him, or be near him, fall asleep with him, laugh with him, listen to his heart beat, look at him lookin at me.... but for what? Un-requited love is a bitch too..i'm setting myself up...for lookin like a fool. My faith in marriages is dwindling, random, but I've seen 2 good friends divorced both b4 30. Only 1 solid still married couple comes to mind and they aren't even MY parents...smh. and there goes the pain again. Butterfly effect thoughts...If i went back and re-did certain parts what would the outcome be? Where would I be? Where would he be? We STILL may not have been together so who's to say? But we could've been...would've could've should've, hind sight is sure as HELL 20-20...So whats the remedy when you can see things clearer LATER? Can't fix it, cant get it back, cant make sense of it..stinging... I think he'd like the "A", already know i love NYC...matters none tho.
and the headaches back...3 hours and counting to go and home to the "upper room" I feel like a fool though, a MAJOR fool...for him. and I'd be a fool for him 30 times over if it meant he'd feel the same way or if it'd take the stinging away... or if I could just get him back,

Deuces.