To you...with love.

No stranger to my posts both directly and indirectly. I debated on even doing a post...then debated on what I'd want it to say....debated on keeping it simple...debating on going deep. Came to the conclusion ...of just going with my heart. In 32 years it hasn't failed me in the areas that matter most. We're in a ...delicate...sensitive space right now....in my opinion at least. I'm kinda just feeling my way along, but this post isn't about that. This is to say...how much I love, adore, value, and cherish the person you've proven to be in my life....on the day that celebrates the start of yours....You told me just recently you'd lay down your life for mine without hesitation...and although that wasn't new to me hearing it from you...this time it resonated...this time....for lack of wording....I believed it. You'll never in this lifetime understand what your existence means to me. I'll never possess the words strong enough, if they even exist. Which is why your birthday means so much to me. That might sounds crazy...but I'm miles past worrying about what I sound like...you always seem to understand anyway. So from the very bottom of my heart, with all the love I have....Happy Birthday to you. In the simplest and most direct term...I love you. I wouldn't be me without you. HUGE part of my life and one of my very best friends ever. Seen me through soooo much, laughter, tears, fear, anger, I could go on...but there's no need. You get it. Distance has made zero difference in what we are...beautifully undefinable. My eternal bodyguard. I've always been of the belief that people don't enter your life by accident...there is always a reason. They are either there for a season or for a lifetime...at this stage in the game I feel safe in saying your place in mine is for a lifetime...Happy Birthday to you Jay, from the bottom of my heart, and with all my love.

 

 

 

If...

And if I'm never able to call him mine again, I still couldn't possibly love him any less...and that's 100% real.

Widening the gap....

It feels like you're trying to stop a train with your bare hands...I mean imagine jumping on then tracks at 59th street trying to command the A to slow down....or just flat-out stop. You're either going to get run over or dragged along under it, but either way you're gonna die trying...

That's a bit dramatic, but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. When you love someone so much, and they've been a part of your life for so long, but all you feel is distance growing sprinkled with a close moment here and there what do you do? Try to fill your hands with water...I mean fill them and hold it. You can't...you're just left with wet hands...evidence that it was there but it's still gone. To be fair I am going through some communication pet peeves...the Internet is starting to rub me the wrong way, as a whole...( I say this as I'm typing a damn blog...shut up) but I miss REAL communication, but understand that it's all about convenience now...so a text/ bbm/email is sometimes more realistic than a phone call...but since when have I been a realist? I'd rather be inconvenienced by a phone call than feel like I'm losing someone that I wouldn't be me without...true when I lived in NY it was a lot easier to grab some free moments to take a walk and talk, to hang out and whoever's house and watch tv...but does that mean thats it's not possible to keep that closeness just cause we're no longer in close proximity? You cant have close friends(?) unless you guys live a commute from each other? That's such a sad thought...actually brings tears to my eyes, but thats not saying much since I've been overly emotional as a whole for over a month now...but I digress.

My question...is what do I do? How do I stop this? Can I reverse it? Lose the metaphoric "gap" quickly widening between us...or just remember what was, smile at the memories and accept is as life....? Ugh that last one dosent even sound halfway right, I'm the QUEEN of letting people walk away that brought nothing to my life...and if this was just anyone, this post wouldn't even be happening....but to be honest I can't imagine no him in my life...can't even wrap my mind around the fact that "we" might be a permanently past tense thing.

Not to be too much of an idealist but this...funk I've been in has me reexamining life and realizing before you know it it's gone...people...opportunities...it's a scary thought. When the pace and "convenience" of communication slows down long enough for you to step back and take a look, what are you really left with? Shell of something that was once such a...HUGE part of your life....your heart...

I'm depressing myself...but how many ways can you say I miss you? I miss us? Before you just sound repetitive? If I lose him I've lost a part of me, that simple.

Kinda Blue...

Tippin around the blogosphere and came across the beautiful Jhene's post about Blue...Makes me think of someone special...so I gotta credit her for the words, so here's part of it...but yeah...Blu's my favorite too...

Blue is my favorite color...

If' I'm feelin Blue,

Then I'm feelin Wonder-

Full of life like the sky and the ocean...

Blue is my favorite emotion...

Whats your Fantasy...

I had "someone" ask me that not too long ago, and truthfully there was a time when I couldn't think of one...Not cuz I'm some mega freak or anything...(really...im not tho..lol) I guess the idea of a "fantasy" was just odd to me...I was kinda like...shyt fantasize for what,why not just DO it,lol. Maybe I was young and naive, me and my sexuality have just recently gotten real close, lol

I guess I'm more in tune with what turns me on and I've gotten better and alot less shy about verbalizing it...Truthfully I guess that just comes with age. I'm grown! (lmaoooooo)

But lemmie stop, my same "someone" asked me today if I were to surprise him at work what would I do...and without hesitation my answer was "show up at your job in a trench coat and some pumpsand ask you if you can take a break" Aside from the fact that that answer came SO easy for me lol I've ALWAYS wanted to do that...

Trench coat,pumps, nada underneath...DOPE!

So I started thinking about all the other things I have done, and things I know I still want to try...

That head in a moving car killed alot of ppl when the idea of it dropped,so I'm stayin in the realm of realism...Public Places are ALWAYS my fav,but recently I've been thinkin of more spots...

I'm in NYC alot,so a rooftop would be SICK

,on vacation I'd like to TRY a beach although I dunno how sand in certain crevices will play out...lol, The bathroom at a club has been done to death...(not by me, club bathrooms are stank) But a private party, restaurant, lounges...somewhere not quite as loud, crowded, or gross...or flat out IN the lounge if we're in the back or if it's dim enough...V.I.P or something...be in a dress so its easier...(I'm runnin my mouth so lemmie stop)

But seriously...I'm all about keeping it interesting, I love the passion of raw attraction, and the rush of adrenaline when the mood strikes...regardless of WHERE it is...

I've had my share of cool locations to add to the memory banks and I'm soooooo looking forward to adding some more to the list, my minds working overtime...

The rain, "sigh...i gotta make this an interesting summer...

But my question for ya'll is...whats your fantasy?

The wind...

You ever stand still and just listen to the wind or the noise going on around you? I LOVE the elements, (someone just recently pointed that out to me) thunderstorms, breezy summer evenings,

sitting and watching the water...

But I think the wind is my favorite. I'm sitting here typing this with my windows open as it blows through my bedroom feeling calm. Calm enough to think,and blog, about whatever I got goin on in my head right now. I'm recently doing more moving around, (back to NYC at the end of May,and the to L.A at the end of June) in between all that working this whole career thing out...plus tryin my damnedest to get this fitness thing finally off and running..."sigh

But I'm starting to ramble..

My point is in the midst of all that movement, all that noise...all that wind. You need some "stillness" Everyone has that person that's that...constant in their life. That centering point, that calm.

So I guess this post will be for that person...That listens to me when I'm sure I make no sense, that knows how (even when I dont know how) to calm me...That center when everything around me is moving....

Theres a reason for every person that comes into your life, but even more reason for those that make their way into your heart, and stay there.

There's years of history, infinite trust, and unspoken understanding,respect and of course love...For that alone I consider myself lucky...even blessed.Friends (for me) are few and far between,and after all is said and done time hasn't shifted my "calm"...

My own personal security guard,super-hero, and so much more....and I'm sure he's going to read this.... ; -)

There are never enough "thank you"'s , never enough "I love you's" , and I'm glad I'm wise enough to recognize what I have...

I love the wind, but I need the balance,the quiet when I feel a lil lost....and I've got that.

My stillness....

Peace...

Tag...I'm it...

My Favorite/My Permanent Security Guard/Original Human Pillow... Mr. Flame Has been awarded most fabulous/sexy/amazing/creative...or something lol, blog award. Check him out...

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut I got tagged in the midst of his lovely recognition...

So I'll do my duty and list 7 facts about myself...

Heeeeeeeeeeeeere goes...

1. I LOVE to be alone...but I HATE being lonely...

2. I HATE clowns...but Mimes are like 300 times worse.

3. I'm pretty sure I'll end up moving back to NYC sooner than later, but i still love ATL.

4. My ability to cut people completely out of my life is almost scary to me sometimes.

5. If I didn't have to CARRY a baby for 9 months, I'd have a child by now.

6. One of the things i miss most about NY is the city at night...

7. I'm just now realizing HOW attractive a well dressed man is to me...

...and cuz I'm a rebel imma list more than 7...

8. I STILL get a lil scared/paranoid after watching a GOOD scary movie

9. My attention span can be kinda short sometimes...

10. I don't have a ton of "girlfriends" (a-la Sex and the City) but sometimes I wish i did...

11. My fav color has changed like 3 times but it's always a diff shade of blue... ;-)

12. And i like having the one feature Mr. Flame still likes to get lost in. (you're smiling)


The end...


So I'm also not gonna tag 7 people cuz i just don't have 7 fav bloggers...but I am gonna tag a couple of my dolls...(If I didn't tag u and you wanna do it anyway...it's not like I'm God...lol, be my guest.)

1. RebELLEious
2.Punkie


Deuces!