White flag...

Ever have those "fuck it I don't care anymore" moments...I'm stuck in one now, and I feel like I'm gettin pulled deeper and deeper into that. I don't like it, I've been fighting it...but today...hopefully just today ....I don't have it in me. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs until I collapse from the sheer exhaustion alone...

I'm fighting to LIVE life the way it should be lived...obstacles come, they happen to everyone...but I'm getting to the point where I don't remember NOT fighting...weather it's money, travel, happiness, career...I'm tired. I'm tired of the constant uphill that my life has become over the past 5 years...I'm stronger than I ever knew I was, but I've gotten so tired of trying to be strong all the time, if I don't bend soon I'm going to break...this is the first time in a long time that just giving up has even been a thought for me.

Guess Im becoming aware of the fact that its a constant struggle...for me to be happy, thinking back I don't think it used to be. It's harder than anyone can imagine until they've felt it for themselves...to have that constant, struggle, constant aloneness...I think that's the one that's pulling at me...the alone....I ended up getting real emotional the other night...behind the simplest comment..."you look so happy in that pic" and I sat and looked at it...and he was right I did. But those kinds of pics, those moments...are so far between...it shook me a little. I don't have pics with that kind of happiness, laughter, etc...here. I flipped through my phone, through my galleries, none...mad me so sad ..."sigh. It feels like a losing battle,I'm exhausting so much energy and I'm not moving...and today...I'm tired...of everything.

 

It's never been me to just give up, it's never been me to just throw in the towel...tired of fighting to live my life, and just letting it live me...if that makes sense...I'm sad...as simple and as elementary as that sounds. Its most accurate. I'm sad...with moments of happiness thrown in, while for the rest of the world it's usually the other way around. Funny thing is I'm almost positive...NO ONE knows how deep it goes...my closest of close friends...my family...not a soul. I find myself looking in the mirror differently than I used to...I don't look at my face...I look at my eyes.

It's one of those cute cliche quote...the eyes are the windows...etc etc. I know how sad I really am down deep...sometimes I wonder if my eyes show that when you really look. I don't think so. Funny, he calls me bright eyes...has for years. I knew why originally. They don't look very bright to me anymore...makes me wonder what I look like to the rest of the world...

Content, pretty, happy, ... Goes to show, you never really know...

 

miss me a little when I'm gone...

I was talking to my boy the other night, about some things he's going through in his personal life...Some thoughts I can 100% relate to, I'm not gonna get into all that hes dealing with, but it struck a few chords with me, triggered a few thoughts...not that it ever takes much to get my mind spinning. Do you ever wonder if you were gone who would miss you...I'm not thinking morbidly. It's just a realistic question...how much of a mark have you left in the lives of those around you that your presence or lack there of would be notable.

 

I mean there's always the given, family, a handful of close friends...but sometimes I think...how much difference would my absence make? You might shed a tear or two but as life always does...it goes on. Hmmmm, there's so many people that I just can't wrap my head around being without, that if I lost them I don't know how I'd recover....so sometimes I can't help but wonder who sees me that way? How memorable am I? How much impact have I made? It's just food for thought. Everyone wants to feel like they've made/make a difference...and they say there are people who's lives you'll have touched that you'll never know how deeply...

 

Don't get me wrong...I don't want life to stop if I'm no longer here. I don't want people throwing themselves on my grave so to speak...I just can't help but wonder sometimes...who have I touched...and in what way, that me being absent going forward would notice the space I left? Just thoughts....

 

 

Nights like this...

It's a process...day by day, nights prove to be the hardest...too quiet, too many thoughts, toooo too many emotions.

 

Real..

Read that....a real warrior will do anything when he's at war, and that a real lover will do anything when he's in love....deep. Gives new meaning to..." are you a lover or a fighter" ? It made me smile though...

Right....right....

Black people don't see shrinks right? ....right? Who do you go see when you no longer recognize the face in the mirror though?

Shorty got skills...Shorty for gifts...(NSFW)

Ya'll know what I mean. Ladies we can be some cocky S.O.B's when it comes to our sex game in certain areas. I've been guilty of it, not gonna lie. We talk...sometimes I think we're worse than guys. (I'm sorry fells its true) We can be just as graphic with our girls, just as raw. We too have tips, ticks, etc etc that we can pull out our hat when we wanna go for the gold.

If you can think we got "bomb-head" why can't we admit to ourselves that "hell yeah we do" lol

I KNOW what I'm good at in the bedroom. When i want his toes to curl or his eyes to roll back, or his breath to quicken to know EXACTLY what to do. So ladies what are your skills? Lol. Fella's what is your girl bomb at?! Can she ride a mean one,

Maybe she's flexible as hell...





Maybe she can just TAKE it like a champ...Even I'm impressed with THIS...

What tricks can YOU pull out the bag? Fella's maybe ya'll have some tricks WE don't' know about, or should I say can't always SEE ;-) ...lol .

Just doin this post has me wanting to add some more "skills" to my repertoire. lol :-)

(Sorry if this was kinda pornish...but its like that sometimes...lol)

So share... ; -)

Deuces!

Say Aaahh...(again)

"The drinks start pouring,
And my speech start slurring,
Everybody start looking real good."

I'm not some kind of drunk...but i DO enjoy a social drink. My fav drink will switch from month to month...but lately I've come across some alcohol I haven't tried that i have to admit I'm curious about...

Rain Vodka. This is completely ORGANIC Vodka...I raised an eyebrow. It's supposed to be pretty good too. I'm gonna have to give it a try.


Crystal Head Vodka (By Dan Akroyd...O_o. I know...that's what IIIIII said)
The bottle is cool, lol. That's half of why I like it. But the reviews on it are actually good. Eff a Ciroc gimmie some Crystal Head! (I'mma say that next time I go to a bar lol)

Vampyre Vodka. Developed in England for the distinguished Vodka drinker with a sense of adventure, is what the description says..This is def...different. I'll try almost anything once...Never seen red vodka before either...hmmmmm...

Bu-tay (yep, that's pronounced Boo- tay' like a big ol' butt), Truly nothing TOO curious about this one other than the name....I like ordering silly named shit at a restaurant. I think it makes the waiter/waitress uncomfortable.... especially when they have to go repeat my order back to the bartender. (Yeah it's dumb...simple pleasures right?)

And last one for the night.......

Thas right...Bacon!...Well Bakon...It's really bacon flavored vodka. I have NO clue as to what you'd mix this with or even what it'd really taste like...But yeah....wow.

Disclaimer: I'm in no way partial to vodka...It was coinky dink that they all WERE vodka lol.

Deuces!

Tell em that it's human nature...

By far one of my fav MJ songs...But I found this on World Star. He dose it JUSTICE...their will never me another MJ but dammit if he dosent sound JUST like him when he sings this....

BTW That's Tia and Tamara Mowry's little brother...ya'll remember that show Smart Guy...lol



Deuces!

"Good" Hair?

OK so this has been on my mind and quite present in my life as a mixed chick (Both parents are Guyanese which is in South America riiiiiight by Venezuela. Mommy is black actually pretty dark skinned too. Dad is 1/2 Portuguese, and 1/2 Indian looks like a white man IMO, but yadda yadda yadda. To me I look black, but I'm mixed)

Anyway after a long convo with a friend today on the topic of hair, I felt the need to blog. Now my friend Terrye is very dark skinned, (half of me has always envied pretty dark skin) I'm more of a caramel/french vanilla depending on the season...but I digress...

She recently started a new job and for the past 3 days in a row her hair has been the topic of much office debate, and just today a full out argument. She's black not mixed in any way to her knowledge, but her hair is naturally curly. It's not long, it's not thick, it's just curly. The kind of curly that when it's wet it looks like a jheri curl and when u wet it u can slick it back.

A co-worker asked her today..."What kind of gel do you use in your hair to slick it like that?"
She said "I don't use any gel, I just wet my hair real quick in the bathroom..." (as she was walking back to her desk.)

The co-worker stops...rolls her eyes...and says "Yeah right, you don't have to lie. If you didn't want to tell me just say so"

So Terrye being the person that she is asked the woman..."Why would I lie about some gel, and I left my purse at my desk, I have no gel my hair is just wet"

The woman responds with "Oh well then you're not black then...OK"

Terrye was like..."wtf, I'm not black cuz I put water on my hair and it curls!?"

The co-worker "Well maybe you're black but just mixed..."

So in short .... I don't get it. When was the law passed that black women cant have hair? Or better yet "Good" or "manageable" hair and not be mixed or something...

2ND story...I was in the beauty supply store yesterday...I was looking for some wax for my edges...(thts irrelevant to the story tho...lol) Anyway the girl behind the counter apparently thought I was shopping for hair. My own hair is natural, no relaxer or anything, I've had relaxers, weaves, braids, but I prefer wearing my own hair best, It's not short though, so sometimes it's easier to just not mess with it. I had it in a ponytail this particular day cuz I just didn't give a F*ck. I was hot, and since my hair isn't chemically treated when I sweat it frizzes up. So the girl comes down and starts lookin at my hair, telling my friend about the color and texture as far as matching up a weave (I was on the phone so I wasnt payin her too much attention) But I heard her ask..."Is that her natural hair...?"
Me: O_0
My friend: "Um...yes that's hers..."
Her: "oh.... and walks away"

So I'm like...ok wtf?!

Why can't it be my hair? Now I'm not gonna be unrealistic like I don't know WHY she asked...
I saw the movie, the amount of $$$ spent on hair that isnt natural to make it LOOK natural is insane. But weaves, extensions whatever... didn't originate with Black women...White women perfected extensions EONS ago...But no one will stop a white woman and say "Is that your natural hair" It's just not as common. I mean Jessica Simpson has her own LINE of extensions, Kim Zolciack from the Real Housewives of Atlanta has a wig line...Kim Kardashian ADMITTEDLY wears extensions. But No one will look at any of them...(except maybe Kim Z.) Like "Bitch Quit Lying" if they say that's their own hair.

A black woman with curly hair be it long or short, or un-relaxed or even permmed hair that carries any length is automatically looked at like...hmmmmmmm.....

Kenya Moore is a perfect example...(and i chose this pic cuz it's sexy as hell :-D




Now yes this is her own hair. Do I know what she uses or if it's relaxed no I don't. But she's a black woman, with some beautiful hair...so she must be mixed!...right?! Smh...

Keisha Knight Pulliam...



Now ya'll have seen her grown up with all that thick bushy hair...naturally hers...

And the whole web was hollerin about Oprah's natural hair pic that she dropped...

I just don't get it...

Help me understand black women? Is it a competition thing? I've even had friends...once they see my hair out...say "Oh you have long hair for a black girl, ...oh thats right you're mixed though"


What if I wasn't?! If I hadn't told you i was you wouldnt know. I'm not walking around looking like Freddie from "A Different World"

It's become such a "thing" that Tyra Banks had to make a damn announcement about the "self loathing" going on among black women and her determination to wear her natural hair now...

My followers don't tend to comment, so I'm not expecting too much feedback, But I had to ask...

Peace.

Spring Shoegasm..

Ok so i'll admit I've been on a slight shoe buying binge the last couple months...so I'm gonna share my most recent pairs just because...lol and cuz I'm slightly bored today so it's gonna be a random kind of blog post.

I swear a dope pair of high heels is like INSTANT sexy...(pls be aware that some of these pics do them NO justice...

wasnt til i did this post that I realized I"m stuck on neutrals right now minus that first pair. I guess they work with everything. So far I've only worn the first ones and the last ones...

DYING to wear the middle 2...maybe in a week or so when I touch down in nyc. :-)

Serious shoe fetish...I can admit tht.

Deuces!

Kinda Blue...

Tippin around the blogosphere and came across the beautiful Jhene's post about Blue...Makes me think of someone special...so I gotta credit her for the words, so here's part of it...but yeah...Blu's my favorite too...

Blue is my favorite color...

If' I'm feelin Blue,

Then I'm feelin Wonder-

Full of life like the sky and the ocean...

Blue is my favorite emotion...

Forever Young....

This was mad cute to me...I'm liking the Bey & Jay coupledom...this mad me smile though...




Plus I'm feeling the song...(plus It makes me smile when she kinda sings TO him...)

If I could sing like her...I'm be serenading my man upon request...lol

Soooo cute..."sigh.

Deuces.

You ever get so full of emotion, so full of living,so full of what you're, feeling, seeing, hearing, you want to cry ...

It's almost overwhelming to be able to FEEL like that, it's a blessing and a curse for me....

But today I'm definitely feeling the blessing end of it...reminds me that no matter what my hearts still beating,I'm still alive, still feeling...

Might not make sense...but maybe it's not supposed to...

The wind...

You ever stand still and just listen to the wind or the noise going on around you? I LOVE the elements, (someone just recently pointed that out to me) thunderstorms, breezy summer evenings,

sitting and watching the water...

But I think the wind is my favorite. I'm sitting here typing this with my windows open as it blows through my bedroom feeling calm. Calm enough to think,and blog, about whatever I got goin on in my head right now. I'm recently doing more moving around, (back to NYC at the end of May,and the to L.A at the end of June) in between all that working this whole career thing out...plus tryin my damnedest to get this fitness thing finally off and running..."sigh

But I'm starting to ramble..

My point is in the midst of all that movement, all that noise...all that wind. You need some "stillness" Everyone has that person that's that...constant in their life. That centering point, that calm.

So I guess this post will be for that person...That listens to me when I'm sure I make no sense, that knows how (even when I dont know how) to calm me...That center when everything around me is moving....

Theres a reason for every person that comes into your life, but even more reason for those that make their way into your heart, and stay there.

There's years of history, infinite trust, and unspoken understanding,respect and of course love...For that alone I consider myself lucky...even blessed.Friends (for me) are few and far between,and after all is said and done time hasn't shifted my "calm"...

My own personal security guard,super-hero, and so much more....and I'm sure he's going to read this.... ; -)

There are never enough "thank you"'s , never enough "I love you's" , and I'm glad I'm wise enough to recognize what I have...

I love the wind, but I need the balance,the quiet when I feel a lil lost....and I've got that.

My stillness....

Peace...

Above the rim...

Ok so this is gonna be short, but after an earlier convo with a..."ahem..."friend" I have to ask...

Are rim-jobs the thing to do now?

*A "rim job" is a slang term for analingus. That means oral stimulation of the anus.*

We're they always and i missed the memo?

And to clarify I'm not fond of the idea too much on either end, be it giving or receiving, but I digress...

This "friend" stated that he (yes I said HE which is what makes me raise an eyebrow...) prefers, and on occasion actually REQUESTS these (and has apparently been obliged by more than a few)

Now my dilemma with this if I may be blunt...We're talkin about ur ASS here...I'm not putting my lips, tongue, or any appendage of mine near any grown man's asshole. And as a man, why are u requesting any anal...."stimulation"

I mean I'm not a man, and I really don't know if this is some secret passed around male circles that no one talks about. Maybe I was let in on a secret that I shouldn't have been...I dunno...

So now I'm askin, ladies are WE doing this and not speakin on it? I for one refuse...I'm sorry but no...( plus ol' boy is gettin the mean side-eye from me right now) And don't worry I have NOOOOOOOOOOOO desire for u to have ur tongue in my ass, I'm good. But inquiring minds need to know...

Am I out of the loop? ( not that I care cuz I'm still not doin it...no judgement tho, i pinky swear)

Are guys really that into anal play now?

Help me out here people...

Taming the Miranda...

Now I'm pro-waxing..lets just get that out there. But I had this convo with a friend at work...and I don't think it's fair that men want us to look like toddlers from the waist down, while we gotta fight through the amazon rainforest's...(I'm referring to pubic hair for the kids wearing helmets)

Now as far as man-scaping, I'm all for it..I'm not saying u gotta be as smooth as me...but can I get u to trim it? For one, hair traps odor, for two it just gets in the way truthfully, plus its kinda scratchy...

I mean the level of up-keep we gotta go thorough for ya'll is really no joke. So can we get a lil in return?

Psssssst...Not only is it good hygiene it makes ur package look bigger , true story ;-)

I know this is mad random, but I'm curious what the rest of you think....Guys to man-scape or not to man-scape...

I say just gauge yours against ours...If what you see when you look down is more than what you'd be comfortable with seeing on us, I say it's too much...I think that's only fair.

Besides, it's about to be summer...all that extra hair CANT feel good...just sayin...

So ladies cast your votes, but men cast yours too, fully waxed, landing strip, power muff, what are your preferences...

Deauces!!

Time time for some time for some action...

Disclaimer: I'm not a total prev, I promise. (Thats about all imma say...lol)

Since I've posted (more than once) about the joys of head...It just occured to me that I havent helped the ladies out!! Madnesss!!!

So here goes...Gentlemen...whip out ur pen an paper...

Eat Pussy Like a Pro

Top 5 Tips | Tips from Women | Tips from Men

What woman doesn’t love to be expertly eaten out? Oral sex done right can take your partner to new heights of pleasure, but done wrong it can be an ordeal for both of you. Munching rug should be no great mystery. These tips will introduce you to some of the basics of cunnilingus and help you go down like a pro. Don’t forget to come up for air! Sex Toys 1. What’s that smell? While some folks prefer their poontang to be on the gamey side, for many people, fear of a funky odor or taste is the chief barrier to going down on a woman. All women do have a distinctive scent and flavor, and for some would-be cunning linguists, these may be an acquired taste. However, if your partner is clean and in good health, her taste and smell should not be unpleasant or overwhelming. If you have concerns about her hygiene, the most tactful approach is to suggest a shared shower or bath before sex. If after a good soaping, her pussy still smells like something crawled up it and died, or she has unusual discharge, she probably has an infection and should see a doctor. 2. Work your way up. Take your time when you start to eat pussy. Get her warmed up with some basic foreplay—kissing, fondling, etc. It’s better to go down on a wet pussy than a dry one. Once she’s aroused, make your descent. Try kissing and tonguing her ankle or the sole of her foot. Then kiss and lick your way slowly up the inside of her leg (the back of the knee is a good erogenous zone, too). Tease her a bit more by kissing and tonguing her inner thighs. Blow some air lightly over her cooter. She’ll go nuts. 3. Get acquainted. Once your face is up in her crotch, don’t dive straight for her panic button. Explore the whole area with your mouth. Gently probe with your tongue and locate her vagina and clit. Suck on her labia. Get your whole face messy. 4. Get busy. Now you want to go to work on her clit. The key is to use your tongue and lips to suck and massage it gently. Don’t poke at it or press too hard. Go in circles, go up and down, flick back and forth lightly. There is no real “right” way to go down on a woman; just make it up as you go along and pay attention to what works. Vary your speed and pressure and see what she responds to. When you hit the right groove, you’ll probably know it because she’ll grab the back of your head and clamp her thighs around your ears like a vice. But to be on the safe side, ask her beforehand to let you know what she likes. Once you hit her hot spot, there’s no need to rush; just keep her engine revving. Feel free to explore some other techniques or positionsbefore you take her over the top. 5. The ABCs. This is perhaps the most common tip when you eat pussy: use your tongue to trace the letters of the alphabet on her clit. Some people swear by it. Personally, I don’t recommend it. I don’t think it’s a good technique. Also, it’s too much of a distraction, and if she catches you humming the Alphabet Song under your breath, you’re busted. You should be paying attention to her, not what comes after Q. 6. Use your hands. You can create some wild sensations for her by stimulating her clit with both your fingers and your tongue simultaneously. Also, most women enjoy a finger or two in their cunt while being eaten out. Insert your fingers with your palm up, crook them slightly, and stroke toward you in a “come hither” motion to hit her G-spot. A finger up the ass will also drive her over the edge if she’s into anal play. (As always, to avoid infection, if you put something in her ass, make sure you don’t put it in her pussy afterward.) 7. Stick out your tongue. You can also use your tongue to penetrate her—just make it rigid and plunge in. You can then tongue-fuck her by moving your tongue in and out, or by keeping it stationary and bobbing your whole head. For bonus points, try stimulating her clit with your nose while your tongue is inside her. 8. Let her ride. Put a pillow or two under your neck and let her sit on your face. This gives you a nice view of her tits and gives her a degree of control over pressure and position. Let her grind her juices all over your mug. Done and Done... :-)

**DEAD**

Ok so it has to have happened to EVERY female at least once. You meet a dude u like, you finally sleep over...and BAM u have to take a crap...What do u do?

(No seriously i wanna hear some funny boo-boo stories)

But this vid had me dyyyyyyyyyin...I almost felt bad for her...lol

I like big BUTTS!!!

OK so yeah...Kim K has been all over the fitness game with her new "look" etc etc. Now I'm all for fitness and what not...But personally I liked old Kim better. Personally I think she's a bit too thin now (shes a size 2 and she's like 5'2) She's like pocket sized now. Did Reggie approve of the disappearing booty?!

I mean look...

I mean she doesn't look bad or whatever...and in Hollywood where "Thin" is status quo...I gotta say I prefer the curves...What do ya'll think? I liked thicker, curvier, Kim on the left, Kim on the right is starting to look a bit gaunt and bobble headish... justsayin...

This Kim...is a faaaaaaaaaaaaaar cry...

From ...

I preferred the latter.

Peace.

Is it just me...?

Ever since I started wearing a bra...I've been overly...I guess conscious of my underwear...Weird right? Now ladies bra's have never been the most comfortable invention ever so I'm not referring to those. Trust me if I had small enough boobs I wouldnt even bother with one...But I digress...I'm not talking about bra's I'm talking about draws... Shutup..I know.

... in the past year or so its gotten almost...uncomfortable! I mean I wear underwear out the house don't get me wrong. But the moment I get home I haaaaas so come off. (TMI? get off the blog...)

I mean I had to get up and type this cuz I'm curious..Am I the only one with that issue? I mean I was on the phone with my boy earlier and literally had to put the phone down and go take my underwear off...As soon as I did i felt waaaaaaaaaaaay more comfy. Now keep in mind, I'm all about comfort versus cute in the draws dept to start with...So no I'm not layin around in g-strings/thongs/ etc etc...Gimmie boy shots any day of the week...But even those after a while need to go. I'm much more comfy as I am right now, in some sweatpants with nothing under them...

So I know alot of my followers are ladies...So gimmie ur input. Am i a weirdo? or do u guys have this issue too. Sharing is caring folks :)

"Sweat pants, no draws, chilling wit no makeup on"....buahahahahahahahahhahaha!!!!

Ok lemmie stop...

Deuces!!