Man in the mirror...

Severe...seveeeeeere self examination coming on. I can feel it. We spend so much time spotting the "wrongery" running rampant online...feel some type of way about the things that come across our "timelines" daily...

Asking myself recently, why? What does it stem from? Why am I annoyed, irked, angered, or even in very rare occasions envious...why? So many "whys" crossing my mind...causing me to turn inside and check me out...dig deep and really SEE myself...deeper then the reflection in the mirror....

 

 

 

miss me a little when I'm gone...

I was talking to my boy the other night, about some things he's going through in his personal life...Some thoughts I can 100% relate to, I'm not gonna get into all that hes dealing with, but it struck a few chords with me, triggered a few thoughts...not that it ever takes much to get my mind spinning. Do you ever wonder if you were gone who would miss you...I'm not thinking morbidly. It's just a realistic question...how much of a mark have you left in the lives of those around you that your presence or lack there of would be notable.

 

I mean there's always the given, family, a handful of close friends...but sometimes I think...how much difference would my absence make? You might shed a tear or two but as life always does...it goes on. Hmmmm, there's so many people that I just can't wrap my head around being without, that if I lost them I don't know how I'd recover....so sometimes I can't help but wonder who sees me that way? How memorable am I? How much impact have I made? It's just food for thought. Everyone wants to feel like they've made/make a difference...and they say there are people who's lives you'll have touched that you'll never know how deeply...

 

Don't get me wrong...I don't want life to stop if I'm no longer here. I don't want people throwing themselves on my grave so to speak...I just can't help but wonder sometimes...who have I touched...and in what way, that me being absent going forward would notice the space I left? Just thoughts....

 

 

In an attempt to see ME clearer...

Figured I'd ramble about ME for a hot one. Maybe if I see it typed it it'll become clearer.

I'm hard on those I consider friends, but even harder on myself. Like if I call you MY friend I hold u in certain regard....once u let that down....*shrugs*, I think it's cause I hold MYSELF in such high regard, as I should( and so should you, don't give just anyone the privelages of callin u friend without earning that title) I don't have hundreds of friends...and I don't believe you do either...,if u have too many then you don't know what one really is...same goes with me loving you. If I say...or better yet SHOW you I ride for you, I'm down for u, call me when you need me, I support you, and I trust you, then don't ever again doubt that I do love you. I don't love easily but when I DO....I love haaaard. It's a bit of a flaw sometimes cause I canbe a bit possessive with those I love most.

I have a distinct jealous streak...I'm not specifically jealous in general...that streak comes few and far between, but when it strikes it's strong...I actuay dislike it alot. It's on my laundry list of things to work on inwardly...not the jealously cause I'm human, just in the ways I let it manifest. when I find that streak showing up I tend to distance myself from the person or situation causing it until I have a handle on myself again.

I can most definitely be a bitch and a half when I dislike you...and it's something that almost scares me about myself....I don't mean petty dislike...I mean the stuff that runs deep. Its a viciousness about me that I'm well aware of...I have been my whole life. I think I tend to keep my circle small more for the benefit of THEM, cause if for whatever reason you change our relationship to something negative, something ugly...I know where to cut you deepest...dangerous...and I don't like ever letting myself get to that place....thankfully when I feel it, I can force it back down in most cases, of just remove myself quickly enough that it won't happen. Rather walk away from you forever than say something I'm well aware can scar you permanently, or at least leave a very nasty bruise on your ego. Human nature is to hurt what hurts you...since I love so hard I hurt twice as hard...and that makes me want to hurt you....any way I can, it's very ugly but very true. Fortunately it's nothing I've had to deal with recently.

I can be borderline obnoxious when I want your attention and I feel I don't have it for whatever reason...it's low key obnoxious, but obnoxious non the less. Nothing short of embarrassing...lol, but it's another one of those...when I catch myself doing it, I pull aaaaaall the way back. Kinda reel myself in...put myself in a corner so to speak lol. I'm getting much muuuuuch better with that one though. Kinda learning that I don't need anyone that dosent need me...and this is strictly on a personal level...diff rules apply to business.

Gratuitous flirting is a new pet peeve of mine im becoming aware of...if ur flirt with me...and her, and her and her and her....then I'm slowly but surely gonna stop taking you serious. Especially under the guise of friendliness, networking, etc etc....i don't think people know the diff between the two anymore especially online. If we're doing business there's no need for a smiley, wink, etc etc to be anywhere in the convo...if its there then we've...or better yet YOU'VE left business behind.

People blur the lines way too much for me...sometimes I wanna remind them all....it's the Internet!! We can SEE YOU!! Stop.

I'm low key competitive...wether its your attention, a promotion, responsibility, friendship, I'm like me me mememe!!!! *hand waving in the air*.... Like give me the opportunity to be whatever it is you're needing me to be and watch me do it better than anyone else...crazy I know. But that's the point of this post...stripping myself bare.

I'm quite moody. I think that's partially because I'm so in my head...constantly thinking, feeling, analyzing, etc...that mixed in with constantly observing those around me...it can send my thoughts...and therefore my moods into a complete tailspin....I think I internalize things too much though. Cause at the end of all this....to know me you'd never know any of this....how's the poem start..."We wear the Mask" still one of my FAV poems to date...

That's all for now..

Hater...

Hater

By: Maya Angelou

A hater is someone who is jealous and envious and spends all their time trying to make you look small so they can look tall.
They are very negative people to say the least. Nothing is ever good enough!
When you make your mark, you will always attract some haters…
That’s why you have to be careful with whom you share your blessings and your dreams, because some folk can’t handle seeing you blessed…
It’s dangerous to be like somebody else… If God wanted you to be like somebody else, He would have given you what He gave them! Right?
You never know what people have gone through to get what they have…
The problem I have with haters is that they see my glory, but they don’t know my story…
If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, you can rest assured that the water bill is higher there too!
We’ve all got some haters among us!
Some people envy you because you can:
a) Have a relationship with God
b) Light up a room when you walk in
c) Start your own business
d) Tell a man / woman to hit the curb (if he / she isn’t about the right thing)
e) Raise your children without both parents being in the home

Haters can’t stand to see you happy.
Haters will never want to see you succeed.
Most of our haters are people who are supposed to be on our side.
How do you handle your undercover haters?

You can handle these haters by:
1. Knowing who you are & who your true friends are *(VERY IMPORTANT!!)

2. Having a purpose to your life: Purpose does not mean having a job. You can have a job and still be unfulfilled. A purpose is having a clear sense of what God has called you to be. Your purpose is not defined by what others think about you.

3. By remembering what you have is by divine prerogative and not human manipulation.

Fulfill your dreams! You only have one life to live…when its your time to leave this earth, you ‘want’ to be able to say, ‘I’ve lived my life and fulfilled ‘my’ dreams,… Now I’m ready to go HOME!

When God gives you favor, you can tell your haters, ‘Don’t look at me…Look at Who is in charge of me…

I came across this on tumblr and I read alot of Maya Angelou so I dont know how I missed this one. But it was RIGHT ON TIME....I needed it.

Peace...

Body, Soul, Mind, Spirit...

We should hold ourselves accountable for not demanding a higher standard of excellence. We reward the mediocre. Maybe that’s an issue with ourselves, being drawn to mediocrity because its relatable, for people feeling mediocre. In that case, step up your own excellence and then want it to be reflected in all around you.”

—

Jean Grae

I've been in a really strange place for the past few weeks, coming off an emotional return to ATL from NYC...Quitting my job and deciding to become an entrepreneur, and then off to L.A for a week....All in less than a 3 week time frame was more than a little jarring...That's the short version...But L.A in a nutshell has become my second love...first being NYC...They're running pretty close right now. But before I start to ramble...The above quote fit a corner of whats been swimming around my head for most of the month of June. I'm transitioning, and within that I cant always expect to be understood...(I've stopped trying). I can be a lonely feeling when no one really "gets" you...but I digress...

The people I'm allowing into my life at this stage in the game is changing...and quickly. I used to blame it on my dwindling patience for stupidity...But I'm seeing now that I'm holding myself to such a standard and I'm forcing, pushing, willing myself towards excellence...that any less surrounding me just isn't going to work.

The mediocrity isn't "relatable" to me anymore....it's not good enough. Excellence is all I'm willing to accept. Be it in my personal life, career, my spiritual life, .... How did I accept less? It's not even fathomable anymore.

This is on top of the mountain I climbed in L.A, I took this pic once i reached the top.....symbolic for alot of reasons....The world is mine...Keep up with me or keep away...

Deuces.

Simplicity...

Among the many lessons you can learn from watching a movie like "Avatar"...(which i just watched for the first time...tonight...and shut up) The peace, and simplicity of their lifestyle made...(aside from wanting to be one at the end of the movie...)wish for that...simplicity. Can u imagine how peacful a life like that could be...Think of nature the way they viewed it...(If you havent seen the movie yet u HAVE to.)

Skip the man made nonsense, controversy, bigotry...and be that intune with the world you live in and helped create...the one those before you died for...I know http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=4812951162821204629#I sound like a major hippie..But It just makes you think and hits you...well ME somewhere deep. Makes me want to prioritize...whats really important in the end...whats it all for...?

I'm very much a creature of simplicity.."sigh..

I feel like me even tryin to blog this isnt gonna do it justice or help u understand what it is to want that...

So i'll keep it short...What/Who are you living for? Where do your priorities fall...I'm not gonna disect everything else that can be pulled from that story cuz I'm type my fingers raw...But Zoe Saldana deserved an OSCAR for that role...

Glad I watched it...Re--thinking alot of things...

Peace...

The wind...

You ever stand still and just listen to the wind or the noise going on around you? I LOVE the elements, (someone just recently pointed that out to me) thunderstorms, breezy summer evenings,

sitting and watching the water...

But I think the wind is my favorite. I'm sitting here typing this with my windows open as it blows through my bedroom feeling calm. Calm enough to think,and blog, about whatever I got goin on in my head right now. I'm recently doing more moving around, (back to NYC at the end of May,and the to L.A at the end of June) in between all that working this whole career thing out...plus tryin my damnedest to get this fitness thing finally off and running..."sigh

But I'm starting to ramble..

My point is in the midst of all that movement, all that noise...all that wind. You need some "stillness" Everyone has that person that's that...constant in their life. That centering point, that calm.

So I guess this post will be for that person...That listens to me when I'm sure I make no sense, that knows how (even when I dont know how) to calm me...That center when everything around me is moving....

Theres a reason for every person that comes into your life, but even more reason for those that make their way into your heart, and stay there.

There's years of history, infinite trust, and unspoken understanding,respect and of course love...For that alone I consider myself lucky...even blessed.Friends (for me) are few and far between,and after all is said and done time hasn't shifted my "calm"...

My own personal security guard,super-hero, and so much more....and I'm sure he's going to read this.... ; -)

There are never enough "thank you"'s , never enough "I love you's" , and I'm glad I'm wise enough to recognize what I have...

I love the wind, but I need the balance,the quiet when I feel a lil lost....and I've got that.

My stillness....

Peace...

Dream a little dream...

"All men dream but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible.”

T.E.Lawrence

Woman

She wanted to be a blade of grass amid the fields,
but he wouldn't agree to be her dandelion.
She wanted to be a robin singing through the leaves,
but he refused to be her tree.
She spun herself into a web , and looking for a place
to rest turned to him...
but he stood straight declining to be her corner.
She tried to be a book, but he wouldn't read.
She turned herself into a bulb,
but he wouldn't let her grow.
She decided to become a woman,

and though he still refused to be a man...
She decided it was all right.


~Nikki Giovanni

2 Tears...

(if you can't read all of it just click on it)


Never thought of it that way...

Letting it go...

"It's amazing how emotionally exhausting some things (people) can be until they just dont matter anymore..."


Peace...

......

"She said she'd prefer a broken neck to another broken heart...

But remember even the beauty of birth leaves it's own scars..."

Rebel Yell...

The Irony


Love won't set you free.
It will imprison you.

It won't give you wings to fly.
Instead it will captivate your entire existence.

Loving him will kill you slowly.
But without him you'd die.

They can tell you the fire is hot
But you'd rather burn than turn cold.


Written by Miss Rebellious...if you're not familiar with her blog please get familiar...She becoming one of my best sources for food for thought. Luvs her! Her words are dope...SERIOUSLY.

Deuces.

Skeletons in the Closet...

So many skeletons in the closet...be careful not to get tripped up by all those bones...




Yup...

Peace.

Too Much or Not At All..

Crazy...but that in a nutshell I'm noticing is how I approach life. Be it love, money, success, etc etc...

If I want it/love it/need it...I've got tunnel vision...I go harder than hard. But just like that...When I feel all my efforts are for naught...You(it) can cease to exist to me ...just...thatquick!

Now don't get me wrong...I'm sure it sounds like bitchery on a smallish scale...It's not a conscious effort (I don't think). I just...stop caring...and when I stop caring...I can't (in most cases) reverse it.

I don't by any means think this is healthy or normal...and in certain cases the ping-pongery (que?) of it kinda makes me uneasy. My emotions are so shredded I'm pretty sure I'd make a therapist rich. But black ppl don't go to shrinks...(do we?)

I mean let me clarify...on something I take as seriously as the "L" word...It's not like...I love you today, and I hate you tomorrow...That would just make me bi-polar and probably a bit out of touch...i.e nuts.

But as someone who's a tad jaded in the love department...I can love you to death and still wish u the best but not want anything to do with u period.

A friend said to me today "I just want you to be good" ( as in OK), and my response was "me too".

Cuz I wish more than anything else that i was "good" or that it was just that simple. But really what ever is?

In a perfect world....(why did typing that just make me smirk?)
I used to be able to say "in a perfect world...blah blah blah..." But oddly nothing came to mind just now. (that's crazy)

But I feel like I'm straying from the point here. I feel like i have so much built up inside of me right now...anger, confusion, sadness, (ugh i sound so geigh!) And I've analyzed myself enough to know that it's from caring too much...abt ppl that can't/won't/don't know how to return the favor.

I have a HUGE heart ( a gift and a curse)...But certain ppl will always have a place in it...But when I feel like I've been played/wronged/taken for granted/or just flat out hurt...I'll love u forever, but you'll disappear to me. I don't hide, or change my number...i don't do anything blatant. I just limit our contact til there just is NO contact...and then just smile to myself when I get the out of the blue text "Why did we stop chillin, I miss u".

Can't be healthy...and i don't know when or how that became my way of handeling things. I don't even know what the remedy for this approach would be. Makes me come off real robotic and cold in a sense.

I can give u all I've got, open my chest up and lay my heart out there for u...Be the best friend in the world to u, be the chick you can't shake, cant forget, will always want...But the SECOND...I feel like you've done me dirty/wrong in any capacity...The second you take all that for granted...or assume I'm weak...

It's like the armor comes out...UNCONCIOUSLY...just like that I harden...(to that person, place or thing)

Now when I say this scares the crap out of me...smh.


Because I know myself well enough to know this "defense mechanism" won't last forever...When you harden like that and don't let hurt out...it builds, and builds, and builds....til u just SNAP!

See...I KNOW I'm gonna snap...just don't know, when...where, or what will cause it...

Just hoping when i do I'll be able to pick the pieces back up and put myself back together...

I almost feel like I need to wear a warning label for those closest to me...I love/care/give...TOO much...or not at ALL...

Your choice...

Deuces.

Untitled...

"Now you caught my heart for the evening...

Kissed my cheek , moved in...you've confused things.

Do I just sit back or come harder?

Help me find my way...."

Well Dang...is right. Guess I gotta giggle...Life funny funny funny to death...

Toodles.

.....

"I'm a mirror...If you're cool with me, I'm cool with you, and the exchange starts.

What you see is what you reflect. If you don't like what you see, then you've done something.

If I'm standoffish that's because you are" ~ Jay-Z

The Pursuit of Happiness...

Sometimes I think thing's faster than I can get them out. I had thought up the whole first paragraph of this blog before I even turned the laptop on lol...

But that's not the point/topic.

Everyone is familiar with the phrase/concept of pursuing happiness...But when you sit back and look at your life and the way you're living it...Can u say honestly that that's what you're doing?


First what makes you happy? I read somewhere or heard somewhere that if you get a job doing something you love you'll never work a day in your life. That made me smile...I know what I love to do, I know where i want to be...But can I honestly say the day to day living of my life is pointing me in that direction? Sometimes I'm not sure.

What career path makes you happy? Are you working towards that?
Who makes you happy? Are You around that person?

It's real simple but kinda complex. Living your life can carry you at such a fast pace sometimes the "happiness" takes a backseat.

I know so many ppl that pursue the dollar..(I guess in hopes that money will make them happy)
I know ppl that will pursue a relationship in the hopes of that person loving them back...(which i guess will ultimately make them happy)

But i guess i kinda feel like happiness has to start within.
You gotta be happy with YOU before the other stuff will start to fall into place.

I've had money, that doesn't do it..I have love, that only does part of it. I have a passion and that contributes too...

But when I sit and say am I doing what makes me happy? I gotta stop and think about my answer.

Weird.

I mean look at Michael Jackson's recent passing. That man was on top of the world. A living legend for most of his life. Preforming since 5, dead at 50. Toured the world, millions on top of millions of fans, and up until recently more money than anyone could possibly conceive. I read a post that said "I think we enjoyed his music more than he did".

It struck me because before all his scandal's you'd assume he's got to be happy..he's got it all.

But watch any interview...there was such a sadness about him. I'm gettin sidetracked...but my point is as cliche as it sounds...Life is SO short, and you only get one shot at it.

If you're not makin yourself happy when seriously what are you doing? I don't want to grow older feeling like i haven't "lived". Feeling like there's so much more I could've done, or wishing I could do it over cuz I spent so much of it living for others, or living the way I thought I was supposed to...

I'm tired of "going through the motions"....and I'm working daily towards happiness...

Not money, not to please others...not to live my life any other way but for ME.

Peace.

P.S - Curious...what really makes you HAPPY?

PSA

A man is only gonna work as hard to gain your attention as you MAKE him work...So don't get mad at HIM for it when you know you didn't establish yourself from the START...

If you were letting him call sayin "I'm on the way" without him even askin if you were busy first (cuz u were just glad he wanted to see you period)....Don't get mad that now he just assumes poppin up on you is cool.

Don't get mad that he's callin you in the middle of the night (booty call hours) now...When you were MORE than willing to pick up the phone WHENEVER he called before (cuz u were glad he was even callin u period)

Don't get mad that he just wants to come chill at the crib rather than go out now...when before he used to ask what you wanted to do and your answer was always "i don't care as long as I'm with u" (um...yeah)

I could go on...But my point is...Ladies step YOUR game up!...Don't blame 'ole boy for treating you the way u been LETTING him...thats truth. A man is ALWAYS gonna do what you LET him do...(or what you allow him to get away with )

I've been guilty of this...EVERY woman has...But you grow up, look back and CORRECT that situation....

The way I see it now...is don't come at me half assed and figure that's good enough (or ur FINE enough) that halfway effort will suffice...it wont...(and you'll get ur feelings hurt)

Don't call to say you're on the way when I didn't ASK you to come over, Don't ask me to chill and have NOTHING planned for us to do...

Don't call me at 2am (to see what I'm doing...*blank-stare*) When at 2pm you're not a "phone person"...

Thats all I have to say about that (Forrest Gump voice)

Deuces!

Texting Killed Romance

Smh...It's become so second nature it's like...we don't even THINK on it much really.
There's so much said through text that is just accepted like it's OK. But truly A LOT shouldn't be left to texting...I need to HEAR "I love you"/"I miss you" not read it on my screen...it's sweet either way but there's nothing like hearing that voice SAY those words...

I'll admit, I'm guilty of this too...and the more I think about it, the more it disturbs me a lil how technology has taken over such a major part of our lives...

I posted about this previously..But when's the last time you WROTE a love letter or recieved one?

When's the last time you called to say "i love u baby" or "i miss you" in the course of a day...rather than shoot a quick text?

Old school romance will always win out with me...And It's almost sad that as technology is always moving forward we take for granted and lose some of the charm of doing it the "old" way...

I miss a random phone call to say I love you...But I can't count my "i love u" texts...Something's wrong with that picture...

Sometimes I wish I really could just take it back in time to doing it the way we used to...even just for a weekend. A phone call at work just because he wanted to hear your voice.

This shyt's almost makin me kinda sad the more i type/think...I mean does convenience always need to win out?

It takes 15 seconds to send a text, and less than 2 minutes to dial a number get an answer and say "i love u"

If you knew you'd never see someone again would u want that last i love u to come from something other than your own mouth? Maybe I"m being too deep...But im just sayin...

There are soooo many people in the world that can say "If I had only..."

I never want to have THAT regret when it comes to someone I love...and technology (which is inevitable..) Has just opened up the door a lil wider for us to lose touch with the people MOST important to us. And the funny thing is we seem to think with emails, texts, laptops, blackberrys' iphones...we think we're MORE connected now. So untrue. I can go DAYS/WEEKS without hearing your voice, but feel like I haven't missed a beat cuz my inbox is full...thats so...WRONG.

"sigh..

Maybe I"m just speaking for myself...But give me a phone call over a text any day. Give me a hand written letter over an email ANY day...

I'mma stop before I depress myself. But I know on MY end of the world...some stuff is gonna have to change.

....Peace