To you...with love.

No stranger to my posts both directly and indirectly. I debated on even doing a post...then debated on what I'd want it to say....debated on keeping it simple...debating on going deep. Came to the conclusion ...of just going with my heart. In 32 years it hasn't failed me in the areas that matter most. We're in a ...delicate...sensitive space right now....in my opinion at least. I'm kinda just feeling my way along, but this post isn't about that. This is to say...how much I love, adore, value, and cherish the person you've proven to be in my life....on the day that celebrates the start of yours....You told me just recently you'd lay down your life for mine without hesitation...and although that wasn't new to me hearing it from you...this time it resonated...this time....for lack of wording....I believed it. You'll never in this lifetime understand what your existence means to me. I'll never possess the words strong enough, if they even exist. Which is why your birthday means so much to me. That might sounds crazy...but I'm miles past worrying about what I sound like...you always seem to understand anyway. So from the very bottom of my heart, with all the love I have....Happy Birthday to you. In the simplest and most direct term...I love you. I wouldn't be me without you. HUGE part of my life and one of my very best friends ever. Seen me through soooo much, laughter, tears, fear, anger, I could go on...but there's no need. You get it. Distance has made zero difference in what we are...beautifully undefinable. My eternal bodyguard. I've always been of the belief that people don't enter your life by accident...there is always a reason. They are either there for a season or for a lifetime...at this stage in the game I feel safe in saying your place in mine is for a lifetime...Happy Birthday to you Jay, from the bottom of my heart, and with all my love.

 

 

 

If...

And if I'm never able to call him mine again, I still couldn't possibly love him any less...and that's 100% real.

Body, Soul, Mind, Spirit...

We should hold ourselves accountable for not demanding a higher standard of excellence. We reward the mediocre. Maybe that’s an issue with ourselves, being drawn to mediocrity because its relatable, for people feeling mediocre. In that case, step up your own excellence and then want it to be reflected in all around you.”

—

Jean Grae

I've been in a really strange place for the past few weeks, coming off an emotional return to ATL from NYC...Quitting my job and deciding to become an entrepreneur, and then off to L.A for a week....All in less than a 3 week time frame was more than a little jarring...That's the short version...But L.A in a nutshell has become my second love...first being NYC...They're running pretty close right now. But before I start to ramble...The above quote fit a corner of whats been swimming around my head for most of the month of June. I'm transitioning, and within that I cant always expect to be understood...(I've stopped trying). I can be a lonely feeling when no one really "gets" you...but I digress...

The people I'm allowing into my life at this stage in the game is changing...and quickly. I used to blame it on my dwindling patience for stupidity...But I'm seeing now that I'm holding myself to such a standard and I'm forcing, pushing, willing myself towards excellence...that any less surrounding me just isn't going to work.

The mediocrity isn't "relatable" to me anymore....it's not good enough. Excellence is all I'm willing to accept. Be it in my personal life, career, my spiritual life, .... How did I accept less? It's not even fathomable anymore.

This is on top of the mountain I climbed in L.A, I took this pic once i reached the top.....symbolic for alot of reasons....The world is mine...Keep up with me or keep away...

Deuces.

Double or Nothing...

Earth shaking when you realize you've lost your chance huh? Life lesson's learned I guess...but it stings no less...

Double or Nothing...





Gotta love happy endings...Even when they aren't your own...(just wish it didn't sting so bad...)

The wind...

You ever stand still and just listen to the wind or the noise going on around you? I LOVE the elements, (someone just recently pointed that out to me) thunderstorms, breezy summer evenings,

sitting and watching the water...

But I think the wind is my favorite. I'm sitting here typing this with my windows open as it blows through my bedroom feeling calm. Calm enough to think,and blog, about whatever I got goin on in my head right now. I'm recently doing more moving around, (back to NYC at the end of May,and the to L.A at the end of June) in between all that working this whole career thing out...plus tryin my damnedest to get this fitness thing finally off and running..."sigh

But I'm starting to ramble..

My point is in the midst of all that movement, all that noise...all that wind. You need some "stillness" Everyone has that person that's that...constant in their life. That centering point, that calm.

So I guess this post will be for that person...That listens to me when I'm sure I make no sense, that knows how (even when I dont know how) to calm me...That center when everything around me is moving....

Theres a reason for every person that comes into your life, but even more reason for those that make their way into your heart, and stay there.

There's years of history, infinite trust, and unspoken understanding,respect and of course love...For that alone I consider myself lucky...even blessed.Friends (for me) are few and far between,and after all is said and done time hasn't shifted my "calm"...

My own personal security guard,super-hero, and so much more....and I'm sure he's going to read this.... ; -)

There are never enough "thank you"'s , never enough "I love you's" , and I'm glad I'm wise enough to recognize what I have...

I love the wind, but I need the balance,the quiet when I feel a lil lost....and I've got that.

My stillness....

Peace...

Pon and Zi make me smile...

This one makes me think of someone...

Peace.

"Cheaters"

"If i had never been in love, I wouldn't crave the wonderful, crazy, euphoric feeling it gave when it was working.

If I had never had sex, I'd never ache for the eroticism while i worked it with someone I wanted to have my heart.

If I had never been heartbroken, I wouldn't fight the feeling of love when it came...

Alot of me has been ruptured...But life repairs itself...

Pains lessen
Wounds heal
Scars remain

Wether we want to or not we stop clinging and move on...."



And excerpt from "Cheaters" By : Eric Jerome Dickey


Peace.

Wtf- ism.....of the Day.

This was my exact convo with my boy (ahem') Via text..

Him : Hey to you too...

Me: Um, Random....Hi how are u?

Him: chillin thanks for responding THIS TIME. You didnt reply to my forward

INSERT HERE :I don't do forwards, I think they're wack as hell. I stopped doing those in like 02'

Me: I was at work and I don't usually respond to forwards. You took that personal?

Him: Yeah but you couldve made an exception cuz it was me...

INSERT HERE: Exception to WHAT exactly...

Me: Well it was a FORWARD so I thought you sent that out to everyone not just me.

Him: I don't send messages out to everyone about huggin them...what I look like a bisexual?

INSERT HERE: MY blank stare... :-| and before I could text back...

Him: I'm NOT!!!

INSERT HERE:Whoa kimosabe...U sure abt that...Cuz I'm not all of a sudden *raised eyebrow*

Me: Umm....bisexual? No (not til now) I just didn't think I was the only girl you sent it to

Him: You my babygirl OK?

INSERT HERE: What just happened?...Something you wanna share my dude? Now this is when i ask myself WHY I'm even entertaining this madness...had to be due to IMMENSE boredom at work.

Me: ...uh...well sorry I didnt respond.

Now....WHEN exactly did dudes become this sensitive and butt-hurt acting?!

This shyt is Soooooooooooooooooooo not cute!

OK don't get me wrong, I love a man that can express himself properly when his emotions come into play. Be it through actions, or verbally. Nothing more attractive than a man that can EXPRESS how he feels about u.

But this shyt right here?! COME ON!!!!

SMDH. So after a little more back and forth random banter...

Me: Well I'm at work sooo...

Him: I would give u a nice body massage when u got home and a nice bubble bath. I would bathe you and put u in your night clothes on for my hard working queen

INSERT HERE :Me gaggin, cuz aside from that being all kinds of grammatically wrong, It was wack as hell...smh


ME: Awwww ( didn't know what the hell else to say to that)

Him: I like to see you smile. (Did I say I was smiling?)I remember your smile

Me: OK look at u tryin to make me blush... ( yeah i was bullshittin slightly, but so what? )

Him: Y would u say that?! y don't u think i care for you as much as I do?! y is that so hard for you to notice?!


INSERT HERE: Um...WHAT?! Wait...did he just come at me on some real emo shyt!? Is this what its all about now?!

Me: um...u ok? I was jokin...

Him: O, OK baby


INSERT HERE: Now this is just ONE convo I chose to share.But this madness has been QUITE common for 09'. So Color me confuzuled.


I've been encountering all kinds of madness when it comes to the gentlemen this year. And I'm not quite sure what is causing it. Venus in retrograde? Jupiter aligned with Mars? Some other such tom-foolery...Or just one big huge practical joke that EVERYONE but me is in on?

Guys...I love ya'll. I truly do. My closest friends in the world actually are guys ( aside from my mommy :). I'm a sap.)

Anyway...PULL YOUR PANTIES UP!! THIS SHYT ISN'T SEXY IN THE LEAST! Ya'll are coming off just a hair too bitchtastic for my taste...
....aaaaaaaaaaaaaand exhale...

I just had to vent and get that off my chest.

Peace!

Too Much or Not At All..

Crazy...but that in a nutshell I'm noticing is how I approach life. Be it love, money, success, etc etc...

If I want it/love it/need it...I've got tunnel vision...I go harder than hard. But just like that...When I feel all my efforts are for naught...You(it) can cease to exist to me ...just...thatquick!

Now don't get me wrong...I'm sure it sounds like bitchery on a smallish scale...It's not a conscious effort (I don't think). I just...stop caring...and when I stop caring...I can't (in most cases) reverse it.

I don't by any means think this is healthy or normal...and in certain cases the ping-pongery (que?) of it kinda makes me uneasy. My emotions are so shredded I'm pretty sure I'd make a therapist rich. But black ppl don't go to shrinks...(do we?)

I mean let me clarify...on something I take as seriously as the "L" word...It's not like...I love you today, and I hate you tomorrow...That would just make me bi-polar and probably a bit out of touch...i.e nuts.

But as someone who's a tad jaded in the love department...I can love you to death and still wish u the best but not want anything to do with u period.

A friend said to me today "I just want you to be good" ( as in OK), and my response was "me too".

Cuz I wish more than anything else that i was "good" or that it was just that simple. But really what ever is?

In a perfect world....(why did typing that just make me smirk?)
I used to be able to say "in a perfect world...blah blah blah..." But oddly nothing came to mind just now. (that's crazy)

But I feel like I'm straying from the point here. I feel like i have so much built up inside of me right now...anger, confusion, sadness, (ugh i sound so geigh!) And I've analyzed myself enough to know that it's from caring too much...abt ppl that can't/won't/don't know how to return the favor.

I have a HUGE heart ( a gift and a curse)...But certain ppl will always have a place in it...But when I feel like I've been played/wronged/taken for granted/or just flat out hurt...I'll love u forever, but you'll disappear to me. I don't hide, or change my number...i don't do anything blatant. I just limit our contact til there just is NO contact...and then just smile to myself when I get the out of the blue text "Why did we stop chillin, I miss u".

Can't be healthy...and i don't know when or how that became my way of handeling things. I don't even know what the remedy for this approach would be. Makes me come off real robotic and cold in a sense.

I can give u all I've got, open my chest up and lay my heart out there for u...Be the best friend in the world to u, be the chick you can't shake, cant forget, will always want...But the SECOND...I feel like you've done me dirty/wrong in any capacity...The second you take all that for granted...or assume I'm weak...

It's like the armor comes out...UNCONCIOUSLY...just like that I harden...(to that person, place or thing)

Now when I say this scares the crap out of me...smh.


Because I know myself well enough to know this "defense mechanism" won't last forever...When you harden like that and don't let hurt out...it builds, and builds, and builds....til u just SNAP!

See...I KNOW I'm gonna snap...just don't know, when...where, or what will cause it...

Just hoping when i do I'll be able to pick the pieces back up and put myself back together...

I almost feel like I need to wear a warning label for those closest to me...I love/care/give...TOO much...or not at ALL...

Your choice...

Deuces.

Untitled...

"Now you caught my heart for the evening...

Kissed my cheek , moved in...you've confused things.

Do I just sit back or come harder?

Help me find my way...."

Well Dang...is right. Guess I gotta giggle...Life funny funny funny to death...

Toodles.

Life ....revisited PT.2

Ok first off lemmie apologize cuz I been slackin on my pimpin...I haven't been much of a blogger lately...Life's been carryin my along pretty quickly lately.

I recently got back from NY and as usual I always miss my city. *tear*
My pics are postcard worthy but i TOOK these, lol









Anyhoo, my trips home are always ....interesting for lack of a better word (thesaurus) lol

Let's start with the "Case of the Ex"...You can officially put a fork in that one. Thats done. (and has been for QUITE some time, And oddly enough...I don't feel so bad. I thought I would. But I think its a combination of knowing A. He's never gonna be the man I need him to be. B. I'm always gonna love me more than he EVER will...and C. I DESERVE way better!

He played himself royally this trip.(No surprise there) No need for the details...It's a pretty wack story. Let's just say its like the shutter's were opened after years of being in a dim room.




(No tryin to be poetic or all cheesy) But I saw/see him totally different after my most recent visit home. The "flame" had definitely gone out long ago. It's the end of an era...lol. But I don't regret it, I have good memories...and I have some that will ALWAYS make me cry. But it is what it is...You live, learn and move on. Hakuna Matata (it means "No Worries") Buahahhahahhaa!! *the LION KING people!!*




Wish him the best tho... ;-) I guess he'll make SOME woman ("ahem girl) really happy one day...Just not THIS woman ;-)


Now I DID get to see some of my BEST buddies/homies like my baby boy/bff /dude/buddy lol Frank White while i was home. And it felt just like old times. Like i never missed a beat. Guess that's how it always is when you're around friends/people that love/understand u. They're a HUGE part of what I miss so much about NY. There's NOTHING that compares to having people in your life that know you, accept u flaws and all, don't judge u, and love u REGARDLESS of it all at the end of the day





There's a person or three i DIDN'T get to see, but a week is never long enough...so there's always next time.

But I DID get to spend a good amount of time with one of the most IMPORTANT people in my life...(spoke abt him in a previous post) But He's my best friend, and is ALWAYS there for me rain/shine without fail, and has gone and will still go above and beyond for me without ANY hesitation.

I've NEVER had anyone in my life that compares to him and like i said in the other post im LUCKY, forget that BLESSED to have him.

I'm tryin to not make this too long and drawn out, but f*@k it this is MY blog, lol.

He's sums up everything there is to sum up about friendship/love.

And he definitely contributed a HUGE part to how much I enjoyed my trip home. Couldn't PAY me to let this one go... ;-) His kind is rare, and i LOVE him for it.

I've come back to the "A" already thinkin about my NEXT visit, as well as feeling alot LIGHTER (lol) alot more at ease, alot happier, and alot more focused.

It's amazing how emotionally exhausting things can be til they just don't matter anymore. I'm breathing easy now.

My priorities are in order FINALLY, and I can see quite CLEARLY who matters, who dosent, and who has my best interest at heart.


Til next time...



Deuces...

BLOG AWARDS :)

I've been given the Life is Grand blog award from my Favorite Extra tall, dark and handsome :) NY'er. Lol



The rules state that you are to list 5 reasons why life is grand. Then to pass this along to 5 other bloggers. So here we go....Life is grand because:

1.I'm nearly 30 and I'm FABULOUS!

2.I'm learning more and more about my life and where I want to take it every day, and I can truly say I LOVE myself.

3.I know what REAL love is.

4.I know I'm desitned for greatness, and I'm on the path to just that.

5.None of my pix have "leaked" on the internet. (LOL) *im keepin this answer* lmaooooooo

I now give this award toooooooo

1. Punkers ,lol
2. FrankWhite
3. PiinkCupcakez
4. Gor(jess)
5. AAAAAAAAAAAAAANY OF MY OTHER FOLLOWERS THAT WANNA DO THIS! :)

Deuces!

A wise man once told me...

Sometimes u just sit back and realize u really are blessed to have certain ppl in your life...
I haven't found a description yet that can do him justice...

Him : Miss u

Me: Miss u 2. My mood just switched up, so I could use a hug. Sorry If I'm being real short.

Him: Need to talk?

Me: No I'm mad and frustrated and ur driving. I'm cool

Him: U sure. I'm here for u.

Me: Yeah I'm just real annoyed and mad that I'm even annoyed. So I'm just waiting for it to pass. Truthfully the person isn't even worth the efforts.

Him: Alright

Me: Thanks tho

Him: Ur always worth my effort

Me: Thanks. Dunno why that made me almost want to cry.

Him: It's a lot in life to know at least 1 person is always there 4 u.

Me: yeah, that's tru



Yeah...I'm lucky...Real lucky....
I'll find the right words...one day...

Deuces.