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A strong girl keeps her stuff in line-and with tears running she still manages to spit the simple words “I’m fine.”...

~unknown

White flag...

Ever have those "fuck it I don't care anymore" moments...I'm stuck in one now, and I feel like I'm gettin pulled deeper and deeper into that. I don't like it, I've been fighting it...but today...hopefully just today ....I don't have it in me. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs until I collapse from the sheer exhaustion alone...

I'm fighting to LIVE life the way it should be lived...obstacles come, they happen to everyone...but I'm getting to the point where I don't remember NOT fighting...weather it's money, travel, happiness, career...I'm tired. I'm tired of the constant uphill that my life has become over the past 5 years...I'm stronger than I ever knew I was, but I've gotten so tired of trying to be strong all the time, if I don't bend soon I'm going to break...this is the first time in a long time that just giving up has even been a thought for me.

Guess Im becoming aware of the fact that its a constant struggle...for me to be happy, thinking back I don't think it used to be. It's harder than anyone can imagine until they've felt it for themselves...to have that constant, struggle, constant aloneness...I think that's the one that's pulling at me...the alone....I ended up getting real emotional the other night...behind the simplest comment..."you look so happy in that pic" and I sat and looked at it...and he was right I did. But those kinds of pics, those moments...are so far between...it shook me a little. I don't have pics with that kind of happiness, laughter, etc...here. I flipped through my phone, through my galleries, none...mad me so sad ..."sigh. It feels like a losing battle,I'm exhausting so much energy and I'm not moving...and today...I'm tired...of everything.

 

It's never been me to just give up, it's never been me to just throw in the towel...tired of fighting to live my life, and just letting it live me...if that makes sense...I'm sad...as simple and as elementary as that sounds. Its most accurate. I'm sad...with moments of happiness thrown in, while for the rest of the world it's usually the other way around. Funny thing is I'm almost positive...NO ONE knows how deep it goes...my closest of close friends...my family...not a soul. I find myself looking in the mirror differently than I used to...I don't look at my face...I look at my eyes.

It's one of those cute cliche quote...the eyes are the windows...etc etc. I know how sad I really am down deep...sometimes I wonder if my eyes show that when you really look. I don't think so. Funny, he calls me bright eyes...has for years. I knew why originally. They don't look very bright to me anymore...makes me wonder what I look like to the rest of the world...

Content, pretty, happy, ... Goes to show, you never really know...

 

Ache..

That dull aching that comes from missing...not just the person, but the things you associate with them. That easy affection, hand holding, hugs, quick kisses at red lights...just the nearness...of just being in the same room even when we're not touching each other....Talkin, laughing, tv...

 

Guess Im just in that place today...dealing with that dull ache. The need for that connection, and the understanding growing and changing but missing some of the initial innocence...those gestures that kept me up at night hugging my pillow and smiling...thinking and remembering...

 

Songs, movies, all kinds of things flip that switch...I love loving ....but when that ache is present , and the person isn't....I wish for an off switch. Guess I just miss him...

Nights like this...

It's a process...day by day, nights prove to be the hardest...too quiet, too many thoughts, toooo too many emotions.

 

Make it like....

 Poetry, poetry, poetry. Everything wrong you see make it alright..make it like...~ Tamia

 

Lost medium I believe, and I miss it so much. There once was a time where i'd get the most beautiful most heartfelt words ever inked. No by email, text, or any of that. But in his own writing. His penmanship that would demonstrate his love for me, his nerves visable in the letters and lines, inking something so personal with the intent of giving it away...with the intent of giving me a part of him on paper that I'd keep forever. .. I miss that deep down to the core of me. His words on paper were the most beautiful....the most expressive....I'd give anything....

 

But that's not what this post was supposed to be about....? Or was it...

But my favorite poet...Pablo Neruda, has been heavy on my mind recently...oh what it would feel like to open a letter again, see the beautiful words on the page in his writing...SEE his feelings for me wrapped in those words...hopeless romantic I am....total sucker for it. But the true romance...that passion, that sheer feeling and emotion...that seeing the actual writing knowing it was written with only YOU in mind can convey....god i miiiiiiiss it. I want to read something again that brings tears to my eyes, butterflies to my stomach, that feeling of my heart beating faster then slower then faster...from knowing not only that someone feels so strongly for me...but thought enough of me in this digital age to write. Write til his hand hurt, write with me filling his thoughts, so strong he can still smell me, taste me , feel me....and spill all that into the pages...that passion on paper. Leaving me his heart on the page. 

 

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” 
― Pablo Neruda

Words...his words...I miss them.

Falling Stars...

This makes me sad...Not cuz she was some great talent or some amazing beauty, but just because I always found her cute. Natina Reed from the R&B group Blaque (Founded by TLC's Left Eye R.I.P) also acted in Bring it On.







I mean celebs on any scale are essentially just people like you and me, but I guess when they fall it always makes me wonder what went wrong? Traveling the world, albums, movies, awards, money...

I guess from my point of view I don't see how/why...you'd let that happen. But thats just me. Either way I came across this article and it really made bothered me...I couldn't tell you why...it has me feelin some kind of way...maybe cuz she's just my age...maybe cuz she's got a baby...I don't know...But I had to post.

All info found on Bossip.com

BOSSIP has exclusively learned that Natina Reed from Left Eye’s (R.I.P.) R&B girl group Blaquewas arrested in Georgia recently for cocaine possession and prostitution.

Natina Reed, 29, formerly of the group Blaque, was arrested on April 13, 2010 in Gwinnett County, Georgia and charged with cocaine possession, disorderly conduct, and prostitution.




Used to love this long...I know the story isn't new...but it's new to me. Hope she's doing better and get's it together fast if she already hasn't...don't need another Maiya Campbell story...


Deuces.

Silence...

There are too many emotions, and too many thoughts. Praying for his family and everyone he's touched an inspired. I won't say too much because my minds too cluttered. And sometimes silence is the best tribute.

Rest In Peace MJ.

Michael Joseph Jackson

August 29th 1958 - June 25th 2009

It Burns...

You ever love so hard it makes your chest burn? Ever felt like you mightve lost that?
Dosent the thought make you totally nauseous?!
"Sigh..my heads throbbing.

And whats worse...the one person that can get you out of feeling this way is the one that got u there to start with? Wtf!?

Talk about fighting a losing battle...My heart hurts, my soul hurts...Ever wonder where the word heart-break comes from? All it takes is for you to feel it one time and you'll know.

Im listening to depressing shyt right now floating somewhere between fear, anger, hurt, and confusion.

I want to talk to him so bad...I mean I'm fighting the whole "pick up the phone" thing. Not because I don't want to talk, but because A. I feel like it may really be a wrap, and B. Because I think we're both too fired up to do anything but make it worse.

Sux ass...it really does. I mean..I'm speechless....in a sense.

I dont know what to think, to feel, or to do...I'm like on pause.

But this pain I'd never wish on anyone...not my worst enemy. It's that deep...

The plan for tonight is to go home..get on my couch, with my depressing ass music, a bottle of wine, and a blanket. I oddly enough don't want to cry...(but the nights young) Think, think, think some more, see if he calls although im 75% sure thats not happening.

Wow...yeah it burns. Burns real real bad.

Peace.