White flag...

Ever have those "fuck it I don't care anymore" moments...I'm stuck in one now, and I feel like I'm gettin pulled deeper and deeper into that. I don't like it, I've been fighting it...but today...hopefully just today ....I don't have it in me. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs until I collapse from the sheer exhaustion alone...

I'm fighting to LIVE life the way it should be lived...obstacles come, they happen to everyone...but I'm getting to the point where I don't remember NOT fighting...weather it's money, travel, happiness, career...I'm tired. I'm tired of the constant uphill that my life has become over the past 5 years...I'm stronger than I ever knew I was, but I've gotten so tired of trying to be strong all the time, if I don't bend soon I'm going to break...this is the first time in a long time that just giving up has even been a thought for me.

Guess Im becoming aware of the fact that its a constant struggle...for me to be happy, thinking back I don't think it used to be. It's harder than anyone can imagine until they've felt it for themselves...to have that constant, struggle, constant aloneness...I think that's the one that's pulling at me...the alone....I ended up getting real emotional the other night...behind the simplest comment..."you look so happy in that pic" and I sat and looked at it...and he was right I did. But those kinds of pics, those moments...are so far between...it shook me a little. I don't have pics with that kind of happiness, laughter, etc...here. I flipped through my phone, through my galleries, none...mad me so sad ..."sigh. It feels like a losing battle,I'm exhausting so much energy and I'm not moving...and today...I'm tired...of everything.

 

It's never been me to just give up, it's never been me to just throw in the towel...tired of fighting to live my life, and just letting it live me...if that makes sense...I'm sad...as simple and as elementary as that sounds. Its most accurate. I'm sad...with moments of happiness thrown in, while for the rest of the world it's usually the other way around. Funny thing is I'm almost positive...NO ONE knows how deep it goes...my closest of close friends...my family...not a soul. I find myself looking in the mirror differently than I used to...I don't look at my face...I look at my eyes.

It's one of those cute cliche quote...the eyes are the windows...etc etc. I know how sad I really am down deep...sometimes I wonder if my eyes show that when you really look. I don't think so. Funny, he calls me bright eyes...has for years. I knew why originally. They don't look very bright to me anymore...makes me wonder what I look like to the rest of the world...

Content, pretty, happy, ... Goes to show, you never really know...

 

Ache..

That dull aching that comes from missing...not just the person, but the things you associate with them. That easy affection, hand holding, hugs, quick kisses at red lights...just the nearness...of just being in the same room even when we're not touching each other....Talkin, laughing, tv...

 

Guess Im just in that place today...dealing with that dull ache. The need for that connection, and the understanding growing and changing but missing some of the initial innocence...those gestures that kept me up at night hugging my pillow and smiling...thinking and remembering...

 

Songs, movies, all kinds of things flip that switch...I love loving ....but when that ache is present , and the person isn't....I wish for an off switch. Guess I just miss him...

Saw this somewhere...

"My father broke my heart long before any boy had a chance to."

Saw this line somewhere....was sad to me cause it was true.

....

If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy,
The only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.

~ C.S Lewis

When the last time...

I'm sure everyone has made someone proud in their lives at some point right? Be it academically, career wise, personal decision....but it's jarring to realize you can't remember hearing that...ever. Im not gonna disclose too much family info on here, but I've been trying to self diagnose....or at least figure myself out better. Single mom, 2 kids...dad, doin him. Sounds too typical right, but I never wanted for anything...if I didn't have anything I needed I couldn't name it....but there's nothing like seeing someone proud of u, their eyes shining with admiration...smiles, love, I've been that proud before and I always try to let it be known....I'm proud of u, what you've done, how hard you work, you've come from....

What am I doing, or have I done to make anyone proud? I'm not about to post my resume and accomplishments...but things like this shape your image of yourself...I've graduated, gone to college, have a career I enjoy, never went to jail, or got knocked up young....stayed under the radar enough to almost go unnoticed I guess...maybe that's what was wrong...maybe it's knowing people that have done such huge things while I'm just here being me...and that's not very noteworthy in a world full of so many people doing...what to me seems like so much more...I'm not comparing myself, or at least not trying to....but it chilled me to sut here today and realize I have no idea the last time if EVER I've made someone proud....fighting back tears at this thought. I swear my blog won't stay this depressing...it's just serving as my haven right now..gotta stay smiling for the rest of the world. Just trying to figure out what happens when just being you....isn't really enough.

Right....right....

Black people don't see shrinks right? ....right? Who do you go see when you no longer recognize the face in the mirror though?

Lost Among the lights....

.....blowing the dust off the cover, haven't been here in a while...and I'm pretty sure no one reads this anymore...but maybe that's what I needed.


I'm home again, NY NY .... Home....is such a weird word to me know. NY is buried deep in my heart and it's what makes me me, so it is and will always be my home. But what happens when you go home....and feel lost...not physically lost like can't find your way around lost, but lost like....where do I belong lost. the hustle and pace of the city is what I love about it so so much, but at the same time it can make you feel quite....insignificant. Lost among the pace, the faces, the speed, the lights...I've never felt so disconnected to that and those that I love so much ever before in my life and it's a jarring feeling....so jarring that I'm in the city that holds my heart and I'm crying now more than I have in months. Scary as shit. For real. Ny'ers are a rare breed....I pride myself on being one. That ability to just fall in line with the melee. I think I can for the first time in 32 years fully grasp what it means to feel alone in a room full of people. I'm in a city of millions....and I can't remember the last time I felt this completely alone.....well correction lonely. Cabbin it back to my room last night was the first time the lights of manhattan made me feel anything less than happiness, excitement, nostalgia , for the first time I felt...slightly sad.....I'm a loner by nature,..I love and hate that about myself all at once...but feeling LONLEY....yeah no good. Maybe the me that lived here 5 years ago and the me thats evolved and grown .... Feel displaced here now,.easy to feel small in a city so big, I dunno, I'm over thinking maybe, I'm just venting...and there is no end or conclusion to this piece....this is just me getting some stuff out, better out than in right?

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn...

Peace.

So good it'll hurt your feelings...

And I'm talkin about sex, dick, penis, wang, pipe, tool, whatever you wanna call it. It all means the same damn thing. Everyone has had it...STD...(sexually transmitted dumbness...) That dick so good you turn into a pure fool. Lemmie explain....You ever have that person that you have insane chemistry with? I mean it's in the eye contact...the conversation, so when you get behind closed doors...it explodes. Now not necessarily throwing clothes off and knocking over lamps (although that's all good too...) But I'm talkin about that slow burn...the kind that simmers. Starts with a kiss, the kind that grows deeper...lights off, clothes to follow...and that slow ,deliberate ,considerate passionate, intense ....dick....

I've had it...and it's nothing to play with. It's like when you have a pot on the stove. Think boiling rice ( for those of u who can cook...) You put in the water, then the rice, turn the flame on and let it simmer...you're supposed to let the rice boil, let the water drain down...not low enough so u burn it, but juuuuuuuuuuuuust low enough so it's perfect. But if you're not watching it...it'll boil over...or you're gonna burn up the whole thing

Yup...and it's deep. (no pun, lol) The inaudible mumbles, the hands, the kisses, the heavy breathing...ALL of that is the recipe for it and if you've had it you love it and hate it all at once.

See now when I say... act dumb i mean by the time all is said and done...You're texting him (random bullshit tryin to be conversational) just so he texts back...lol. You're thinkin about when you'll see him again, you re thinkin about the "next time", you re remembering what was said, how it felt. Is he thinkin about me as much as I'm thinkin about him? Does he miss me too? I got a minute to text him...he doesn't?

Then you get paranoid...lol...Maybe it wasn't all that for him? How come in not on his mind? Is he with someone else right now?

You go through amazing heartache, sadness, anger , paranoia...etc etc...(when about 99.9% of the time...he's feelin u back...We just forget men don't react the same way women do)

So by this point it's eff playin it cool, nonchalant...lol Great dick will make you go harder than you've ever gone before...lol. You play the..."I wont text him" game...then every damn time you get one you KNOW it's him..I mean it has to be, or you re picking up the phone to look at it like u MISSED the text alert somehow, you haven't spoken in a full what....10 hours?! Lmaoooo...I can laugh cuz I been there, but when you're caught up in the great dick aftermath, ain't SHIT funny...

And God forbid you send a text that didn't get a response...the damn world is ending! CURSE THAT BLINKING RED LIGHT ON YOUR BLACKBERRY THAT WONT EFFIN BLINK!

Yeah...you never outgrow the effects of great dick...I'm sorry to tell ya. It's dope and it sucks all at once...

smh....don't feel bad though ladies...dudes can get caught up in great head/great ass too...lol

But we're not talkin about them this post.

But point blank, Great dick will make you act dumb. Fact!

It's OK...if the chemistry was genuine he's not gonna forget it so quickly...men just aren't like us. Don't be a bugaboo...(it's hard) and don't over think it if u wanna drop a hello text cool...relax and breathe...and know it happens to the best of us. lol. Be confident that you left a lasting impression on him as deep as the one he left one you. (shits easier said than done) Or just stay busy...lol

Deuces!

Good Morning Heartache...

Just love the beauty of her voice...forgive me but I may prefer this version to Miss Holiday (although i adore her...)

So beautiful...


Peace

Taming the Miranda...

Now I'm pro-waxing..lets just get that out there. But I had this convo with a friend at work...and I don't think it's fair that men want us to look like toddlers from the waist down, while we gotta fight through the amazon rainforest's...(I'm referring to pubic hair for the kids wearing helmets)

Now as far as man-scaping, I'm all for it..I'm not saying u gotta be as smooth as me...but can I get u to trim it? For one, hair traps odor, for two it just gets in the way truthfully, plus its kinda scratchy...

I mean the level of up-keep we gotta go thorough for ya'll is really no joke. So can we get a lil in return?

Psssssst...Not only is it good hygiene it makes ur package look bigger , true story ;-)

I know this is mad random, but I'm curious what the rest of you think....Guys to man-scape or not to man-scape...

I say just gauge yours against ours...If what you see when you look down is more than what you'd be comfortable with seeing on us, I say it's too much...I think that's only fair.

Besides, it's about to be summer...all that extra hair CANT feel good...just sayin...

So ladies cast your votes, but men cast yours too, fully waxed, landing strip, power muff, what are your preferences...

Deauces!!

I'll take "Blogging" for $100 Alex...

Ok so I come up with random ish to babble to ya'll abt all day everyday. But I neglect my blog so bad , cuz by the time I get home and by a pc, I've either forgotten what I was gonna blog (drugs are bad kids...) Or I've lost interest by then...So is there an app of something for blackberry that makes bloggin a lil easier...

A lil help please and thank u.

Deauces!

All I need in this life of sin...

"and so I put this on my life... No body or nothing could ever come between us and I promise I'll give my life...my love and my trust if you was my boyfriend... I put this on my life...the air that I breathe and all that I believe in, and I promise I'll give my life... my love and my trust if you was my boyfriend.."




"Sometimes i trip on how happy we could be"......yeah. I guess it is like that sometimes.

Peace...

4 Letter word...

Fuck Love...

I say fuck love, this made up , trumped up
overly exaggerated grand emotion that we search our entire lives for in vain,
This bullshit hallmark card, valentine day, book writing, movie motivating ass emotion...

Love ain't SHIT!
this cold, callous ass emotion that is allegedly everywhere, but impossible to locate?
Man, fuck that!

Why doesn't love look for me???

Well fuck love cuz love don't love nobody,
which is why love is pain,
Thus intertwined in hate.

In love on Monday,
Fuck that nigga on Sunday.

Ive seen people in love one day,
and spiteful the next day..
no the next hour, no wait the next minute!

Fall in love to fall out of love!?!?!?

I'd rather you kill me, my family, and my closest friends,
But DO NOT make me fall in love with you,

So we can pass hugs and kisses,

Make love at night,

In the twilight,

Under the starlight,

WELL NOT THIS NIGHT!!!

You ain't about to get me glaze eyed,

Heart open,

"I think i wanna marry him"

Then fuck my girl, or my friend or even worse... my enemy

Behind my back,

Fuck that!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck this poem!!!

And most definitely Fuck Love!


OK I didn't write this and I'm not sure who did otherwise I'd credit the author directly...I'm not anti love at all...I'm the epitome of a hopeless romantic...But everyone has had one of these days, weeks, months where this poem...say it ALL! (I'm not sayin I'm there...But i know sometimes it fits...so i felt like sharing...)


Yeah...

Peace.

"Cheaters"

"If i had never been in love, I wouldn't crave the wonderful, crazy, euphoric feeling it gave when it was working.

If I had never had sex, I'd never ache for the eroticism while i worked it with someone I wanted to have my heart.

If I had never been heartbroken, I wouldn't fight the feeling of love when it came...

Alot of me has been ruptured...But life repairs itself...

Pains lessen
Wounds heal
Scars remain

Wether we want to or not we stop clinging and move on...."



And excerpt from "Cheaters" By : Eric Jerome Dickey


Peace.

Throwback...

There was never a vid to this song to my knowledge...But i've always loved it...

Def makes me feel some kind of way..dunno why.





Peace...

Feel Me...

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”~Maya Angelou


....peace

tick tick BOOM!

Peace.

Skeletons in the Closet...

So many skeletons in the closet...be careful not to get tripped up by all those bones...




Yup...

Peace.

Mood Music...

Yeah I can see this one...NYC at night...Me & "He" ;-)

Miss home....



*smiles*

Deuces!