Widening the gap....

It feels like you're trying to stop a train with your bare hands...I mean imagine jumping on then tracks at 59th street trying to command the A to slow down....or just flat-out stop. You're either going to get run over or dragged along under it, but either way you're gonna die trying...

That's a bit dramatic, but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. When you love someone so much, and they've been a part of your life for so long, but all you feel is distance growing sprinkled with a close moment here and there what do you do? Try to fill your hands with water...I mean fill them and hold it. You can't...you're just left with wet hands...evidence that it was there but it's still gone. To be fair I am going through some communication pet peeves...the Internet is starting to rub me the wrong way, as a whole...( I say this as I'm typing a damn blog...shut up) but I miss REAL communication, but understand that it's all about convenience now...so a text/ bbm/email is sometimes more realistic than a phone call...but since when have I been a realist? I'd rather be inconvenienced by a phone call than feel like I'm losing someone that I wouldn't be me without...true when I lived in NY it was a lot easier to grab some free moments to take a walk and talk, to hang out and whoever's house and watch tv...but does that mean thats it's not possible to keep that closeness just cause we're no longer in close proximity? You cant have close friends(?) unless you guys live a commute from each other? That's such a sad thought...actually brings tears to my eyes, but thats not saying much since I've been overly emotional as a whole for over a month now...but I digress.

My question...is what do I do? How do I stop this? Can I reverse it? Lose the metaphoric "gap" quickly widening between us...or just remember what was, smile at the memories and accept is as life....? Ugh that last one dosent even sound halfway right, I'm the QUEEN of letting people walk away that brought nothing to my life...and if this was just anyone, this post wouldn't even be happening....but to be honest I can't imagine no him in my life...can't even wrap my mind around the fact that "we" might be a permanently past tense thing.

Not to be too much of an idealist but this...funk I've been in has me reexamining life and realizing before you know it it's gone...people...opportunities...it's a scary thought. When the pace and "convenience" of communication slows down long enough for you to step back and take a look, what are you really left with? Shell of something that was once such a...HUGE part of your life....your heart...

I'm depressing myself...but how many ways can you say I miss you? I miss us? Before you just sound repetitive? If I lose him I've lost a part of me, that simple.

Misplaced...

Myself....I cant find me....Lost is a scary scary feeling.

Real..

Read that....a real warrior will do anything when he's at war, and that a real lover will do anything when he's in love....deep. Gives new meaning to..." are you a lover or a fighter" ? It made me smile though...

Right....right....

Black people don't see shrinks right? ....right? Who do you go see when you no longer recognize the face in the mirror though?

Lost Among the lights....

.....blowing the dust off the cover, haven't been here in a while...and I'm pretty sure no one reads this anymore...but maybe that's what I needed.


I'm home again, NY NY .... Home....is such a weird word to me know. NY is buried deep in my heart and it's what makes me me, so it is and will always be my home. But what happens when you go home....and feel lost...not physically lost like can't find your way around lost, but lost like....where do I belong lost. the hustle and pace of the city is what I love about it so so much, but at the same time it can make you feel quite....insignificant. Lost among the pace, the faces, the speed, the lights...I've never felt so disconnected to that and those that I love so much ever before in my life and it's a jarring feeling....so jarring that I'm in the city that holds my heart and I'm crying now more than I have in months. Scary as shit. For real. Ny'ers are a rare breed....I pride myself on being one. That ability to just fall in line with the melee. I think I can for the first time in 32 years fully grasp what it means to feel alone in a room full of people. I'm in a city of millions....and I can't remember the last time I felt this completely alone.....well correction lonely. Cabbin it back to my room last night was the first time the lights of manhattan made me feel anything less than happiness, excitement, nostalgia , for the first time I felt...slightly sad.....I'm a loner by nature,..I love and hate that about myself all at once...but feeling LONLEY....yeah no good. Maybe the me that lived here 5 years ago and the me thats evolved and grown .... Feel displaced here now,.easy to feel small in a city so big, I dunno, I'm over thinking maybe, I'm just venting...and there is no end or conclusion to this piece....this is just me getting some stuff out, better out than in right?

What IS sexy...Mens Edition 2011

It came to me real randomly...( oh and hey...I been hardcore neglecting this blog, so to those that'll read it, my bad. To those that don't I'm sure you didn't notice I was gone anyway...now back to the subject at hand...)

I was watching "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" and there was a scene where Johnny Depp and what's her face were in the kitchen yadda yadda yadda, fast forward to her coming up behind him, pushing his hair to the side attempting to kiss him. I noticed his jawline like instantly! ( Duh who hasn't) But in that scene, since it was a close up and you couldn't even see his whole face I was like...Damn! A chiseled jawline on a man is sexy as hell!!

So enter the blog topic...what is sexy...(to you)...well really to me since it's MY blog...but you get the idea. I don't mean the obvious sexy either, not a six pack, or hella muscles, truth be told I'm not a fan of real muscular guys...but the subtle stuff you don't always spot right away.

Look at the strong jaw...mad sexy eff what ya heard...


Next thing that crossed my mind I guess might be kinda obvious is some nice lips...I LOVE lips. Some unattractive ass men have some SEXY lips...Truth be told if they're that nice don't let me have a few drinks cause I can tune you out easy and just watch them move...mad shallow I know but ah well...it's a shallow kind of day...lol
And i don't mean some L.L type soup coolers...but some nice full sexy..."sigh ok lemmie stop lol
I DO have 2 homeboys that have some of the nicest lips in the game, but the streets are watching so their pics won't appear here lol. But til I can find a comparable celeb shot I'll post...Omarion...lol
Truth be told he's not in the least bit attractive to me...But his lips...yup!
Full bottom one + nicely shaped top one...= mmmmmm mmmm good.


Next we have
...(um whats that area on a guy called...like his upper back but along his shoulder leading to his neck or whatever...) I know I'm describing it all kinds of wrong but I'll show you...

See the muscle coming out the top of the sweater...YES and yes!!


See THIS is the stuff I see on men fully clothed and in the most innocent of situations that'll cause my spidey sense to start tingling....hmmmm...let me see if I can think up a 4th....

Actually nah, I'll stop there, that's my top 3. Feel free to post yours.... ;-)

Deuces!

Falling Stars...

This makes me sad...Not cuz she was some great talent or some amazing beauty, but just because I always found her cute. Natina Reed from the R&B group Blaque (Founded by TLC's Left Eye R.I.P) also acted in Bring it On.







I mean celebs on any scale are essentially just people like you and me, but I guess when they fall it always makes me wonder what went wrong? Traveling the world, albums, movies, awards, money...

I guess from my point of view I don't see how/why...you'd let that happen. But thats just me. Either way I came across this article and it really made bothered me...I couldn't tell you why...it has me feelin some kind of way...maybe cuz she's just my age...maybe cuz she's got a baby...I don't know...But I had to post.

All info found on Bossip.com

BOSSIP has exclusively learned that Natina Reed from Left Eye’s (R.I.P.) R&B girl group Blaquewas arrested in Georgia recently for cocaine possession and prostitution.

Natina Reed, 29, formerly of the group Blaque, was arrested on April 13, 2010 in Gwinnett County, Georgia and charged with cocaine possession, disorderly conduct, and prostitution.




Used to love this long...I know the story isn't new...but it's new to me. Hope she's doing better and get's it together fast if she already hasn't...don't need another Maiya Campbell story...


Deuces.