White flag...

Ever have those "fuck it I don't care anymore" moments...I'm stuck in one now, and I feel like I'm gettin pulled deeper and deeper into that. I don't like it, I've been fighting it...but today...hopefully just today ....I don't have it in me. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs until I collapse from the sheer exhaustion alone...

I'm fighting to LIVE life the way it should be lived...obstacles come, they happen to everyone...but I'm getting to the point where I don't remember NOT fighting...weather it's money, travel, happiness, career...I'm tired. I'm tired of the constant uphill that my life has become over the past 5 years...I'm stronger than I ever knew I was, but I've gotten so tired of trying to be strong all the time, if I don't bend soon I'm going to break...this is the first time in a long time that just giving up has even been a thought for me.

Guess Im becoming aware of the fact that its a constant struggle...for me to be happy, thinking back I don't think it used to be. It's harder than anyone can imagine until they've felt it for themselves...to have that constant, struggle, constant aloneness...I think that's the one that's pulling at me...the alone....I ended up getting real emotional the other night...behind the simplest comment..."you look so happy in that pic" and I sat and looked at it...and he was right I did. But those kinds of pics, those moments...are so far between...it shook me a little. I don't have pics with that kind of happiness, laughter, etc...here. I flipped through my phone, through my galleries, none...mad me so sad ..."sigh. It feels like a losing battle,I'm exhausting so much energy and I'm not moving...and today...I'm tired...of everything.

 

It's never been me to just give up, it's never been me to just throw in the towel...tired of fighting to live my life, and just letting it live me...if that makes sense...I'm sad...as simple and as elementary as that sounds. Its most accurate. I'm sad...with moments of happiness thrown in, while for the rest of the world it's usually the other way around. Funny thing is I'm almost positive...NO ONE knows how deep it goes...my closest of close friends...my family...not a soul. I find myself looking in the mirror differently than I used to...I don't look at my face...I look at my eyes.

It's one of those cute cliche quote...the eyes are the windows...etc etc. I know how sad I really am down deep...sometimes I wonder if my eyes show that when you really look. I don't think so. Funny, he calls me bright eyes...has for years. I knew why originally. They don't look very bright to me anymore...makes me wonder what I look like to the rest of the world...

Content, pretty, happy, ... Goes to show, you never really know...

 

miss me a little when I'm gone...

I was talking to my boy the other night, about some things he's going through in his personal life...Some thoughts I can 100% relate to, I'm not gonna get into all that hes dealing with, but it struck a few chords with me, triggered a few thoughts...not that it ever takes much to get my mind spinning. Do you ever wonder if you were gone who would miss you...I'm not thinking morbidly. It's just a realistic question...how much of a mark have you left in the lives of those around you that your presence or lack there of would be notable.

 

I mean there's always the given, family, a handful of close friends...but sometimes I think...how much difference would my absence make? You might shed a tear or two but as life always does...it goes on. Hmmmm, there's so many people that I just can't wrap my head around being without, that if I lost them I don't know how I'd recover....so sometimes I can't help but wonder who sees me that way? How memorable am I? How much impact have I made? It's just food for thought. Everyone wants to feel like they've made/make a difference...and they say there are people who's lives you'll have touched that you'll never know how deeply...

 

Don't get me wrong...I don't want life to stop if I'm no longer here. I don't want people throwing themselves on my grave so to speak...I just can't help but wonder sometimes...who have I touched...and in what way, that me being absent going forward would notice the space I left? Just thoughts....

 

 

Untitled

In the silence of the city night

When the lonely watch the sky in yearning
I, at rest, lie in peace beside you
I searched a thousand skies before you came
And in the morning, when the world is new
The lonely turn away, as I turn to you, beside me
And in the quiet of the afternoon, when the lonely roam
I turn beside, and you are with me still
I roamed a thousand miles before you came...

 

Trying to find peace any way I can tonight....

 

Saw this somewhere...

"My father broke my heart long before any boy had a chance to."

Saw this line somewhere....was sad to me cause it was true.

....

If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy,
The only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.

~ C.S Lewis

When the last time...

I'm sure everyone has made someone proud in their lives at some point right? Be it academically, career wise, personal decision....but it's jarring to realize you can't remember hearing that...ever. Im not gonna disclose too much family info on here, but I've been trying to self diagnose....or at least figure myself out better. Single mom, 2 kids...dad, doin him. Sounds too typical right, but I never wanted for anything...if I didn't have anything I needed I couldn't name it....but there's nothing like seeing someone proud of u, their eyes shining with admiration...smiles, love, I've been that proud before and I always try to let it be known....I'm proud of u, what you've done, how hard you work, you've come from....

What am I doing, or have I done to make anyone proud? I'm not about to post my resume and accomplishments...but things like this shape your image of yourself...I've graduated, gone to college, have a career I enjoy, never went to jail, or got knocked up young....stayed under the radar enough to almost go unnoticed I guess...maybe that's what was wrong...maybe it's knowing people that have done such huge things while I'm just here being me...and that's not very noteworthy in a world full of so many people doing...what to me seems like so much more...I'm not comparing myself, or at least not trying to....but it chilled me to sut here today and realize I have no idea the last time if EVER I've made someone proud....fighting back tears at this thought. I swear my blog won't stay this depressing...it's just serving as my haven right now..gotta stay smiling for the rest of the world. Just trying to figure out what happens when just being you....isn't really enough.

Falling Stars...

This makes me sad...Not cuz she was some great talent or some amazing beauty, but just because I always found her cute. Natina Reed from the R&B group Blaque (Founded by TLC's Left Eye R.I.P) also acted in Bring it On.







I mean celebs on any scale are essentially just people like you and me, but I guess when they fall it always makes me wonder what went wrong? Traveling the world, albums, movies, awards, money...

I guess from my point of view I don't see how/why...you'd let that happen. But thats just me. Either way I came across this article and it really made bothered me...I couldn't tell you why...it has me feelin some kind of way...maybe cuz she's just my age...maybe cuz she's got a baby...I don't know...But I had to post.

All info found on Bossip.com

BOSSIP has exclusively learned that Natina Reed from Left Eye’s (R.I.P.) R&B girl group Blaquewas arrested in Georgia recently for cocaine possession and prostitution.

Natina Reed, 29, formerly of the group Blaque, was arrested on April 13, 2010 in Gwinnett County, Georgia and charged with cocaine possession, disorderly conduct, and prostitution.




Used to love this long...I know the story isn't new...but it's new to me. Hope she's doing better and get's it together fast if she already hasn't...don't need another Maiya Campbell story...


Deuces.

Hater...

Hater

By: Maya Angelou

A hater is someone who is jealous and envious and spends all their time trying to make you look small so they can look tall.
They are very negative people to say the least. Nothing is ever good enough!
When you make your mark, you will always attract some haters…
That’s why you have to be careful with whom you share your blessings and your dreams, because some folk can’t handle seeing you blessed…
It’s dangerous to be like somebody else… If God wanted you to be like somebody else, He would have given you what He gave them! Right?
You never know what people have gone through to get what they have…
The problem I have with haters is that they see my glory, but they don’t know my story…
If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, you can rest assured that the water bill is higher there too!
We’ve all got some haters among us!
Some people envy you because you can:
a) Have a relationship with God
b) Light up a room when you walk in
c) Start your own business
d) Tell a man / woman to hit the curb (if he / she isn’t about the right thing)
e) Raise your children without both parents being in the home

Haters can’t stand to see you happy.
Haters will never want to see you succeed.
Most of our haters are people who are supposed to be on our side.
How do you handle your undercover haters?

You can handle these haters by:
1. Knowing who you are & who your true friends are *(VERY IMPORTANT!!)

2. Having a purpose to your life: Purpose does not mean having a job. You can have a job and still be unfulfilled. A purpose is having a clear sense of what God has called you to be. Your purpose is not defined by what others think about you.

3. By remembering what you have is by divine prerogative and not human manipulation.

Fulfill your dreams! You only have one life to live…when its your time to leave this earth, you ‘want’ to be able to say, ‘I’ve lived my life and fulfilled ‘my’ dreams,… Now I’m ready to go HOME!

When God gives you favor, you can tell your haters, ‘Don’t look at me…Look at Who is in charge of me…

I came across this on tumblr and I read alot of Maya Angelou so I dont know how I missed this one. But it was RIGHT ON TIME....I needed it.

Peace...

Body, Soul, Mind, Spirit...

We should hold ourselves accountable for not demanding a higher standard of excellence. We reward the mediocre. Maybe that’s an issue with ourselves, being drawn to mediocrity because its relatable, for people feeling mediocre. In that case, step up your own excellence and then want it to be reflected in all around you.”

—

Jean Grae

I've been in a really strange place for the past few weeks, coming off an emotional return to ATL from NYC...Quitting my job and deciding to become an entrepreneur, and then off to L.A for a week....All in less than a 3 week time frame was more than a little jarring...That's the short version...But L.A in a nutshell has become my second love...first being NYC...They're running pretty close right now. But before I start to ramble...The above quote fit a corner of whats been swimming around my head for most of the month of June. I'm transitioning, and within that I cant always expect to be understood...(I've stopped trying). I can be a lonely feeling when no one really "gets" you...but I digress...

The people I'm allowing into my life at this stage in the game is changing...and quickly. I used to blame it on my dwindling patience for stupidity...But I'm seeing now that I'm holding myself to such a standard and I'm forcing, pushing, willing myself towards excellence...that any less surrounding me just isn't going to work.

The mediocrity isn't "relatable" to me anymore....it's not good enough. Excellence is all I'm willing to accept. Be it in my personal life, career, my spiritual life, .... How did I accept less? It's not even fathomable anymore.

This is on top of the mountain I climbed in L.A, I took this pic once i reached the top.....symbolic for alot of reasons....The world is mine...Keep up with me or keep away...

Deuces.

So good it'll hurt your feelings...

And I'm talkin about sex, dick, penis, wang, pipe, tool, whatever you wanna call it. It all means the same damn thing. Everyone has had it...STD...(sexually transmitted dumbness...) That dick so good you turn into a pure fool. Lemmie explain....You ever have that person that you have insane chemistry with? I mean it's in the eye contact...the conversation, so when you get behind closed doors...it explodes. Now not necessarily throwing clothes off and knocking over lamps (although that's all good too...) But I'm talkin about that slow burn...the kind that simmers. Starts with a kiss, the kind that grows deeper...lights off, clothes to follow...and that slow ,deliberate ,considerate passionate, intense ....dick....

I've had it...and it's nothing to play with. It's like when you have a pot on the stove. Think boiling rice ( for those of u who can cook...) You put in the water, then the rice, turn the flame on and let it simmer...you're supposed to let the rice boil, let the water drain down...not low enough so u burn it, but juuuuuuuuuuuuust low enough so it's perfect. But if you're not watching it...it'll boil over...or you're gonna burn up the whole thing

Yup...and it's deep. (no pun, lol) The inaudible mumbles, the hands, the kisses, the heavy breathing...ALL of that is the recipe for it and if you've had it you love it and hate it all at once.

See now when I say... act dumb i mean by the time all is said and done...You're texting him (random bullshit tryin to be conversational) just so he texts back...lol. You're thinkin about when you'll see him again, you re thinkin about the "next time", you re remembering what was said, how it felt. Is he thinkin about me as much as I'm thinkin about him? Does he miss me too? I got a minute to text him...he doesn't?

Then you get paranoid...lol...Maybe it wasn't all that for him? How come in not on his mind? Is he with someone else right now?

You go through amazing heartache, sadness, anger , paranoia...etc etc...(when about 99.9% of the time...he's feelin u back...We just forget men don't react the same way women do)

So by this point it's eff playin it cool, nonchalant...lol Great dick will make you go harder than you've ever gone before...lol. You play the..."I wont text him" game...then every damn time you get one you KNOW it's him..I mean it has to be, or you re picking up the phone to look at it like u MISSED the text alert somehow, you haven't spoken in a full what....10 hours?! Lmaoooo...I can laugh cuz I been there, but when you're caught up in the great dick aftermath, ain't SHIT funny...

And God forbid you send a text that didn't get a response...the damn world is ending! CURSE THAT BLINKING RED LIGHT ON YOUR BLACKBERRY THAT WONT EFFIN BLINK!

Yeah...you never outgrow the effects of great dick...I'm sorry to tell ya. It's dope and it sucks all at once...

smh....don't feel bad though ladies...dudes can get caught up in great head/great ass too...lol

But we're not talkin about them this post.

But point blank, Great dick will make you act dumb. Fact!

It's OK...if the chemistry was genuine he's not gonna forget it so quickly...men just aren't like us. Don't be a bugaboo...(it's hard) and don't over think it if u wanna drop a hello text cool...relax and breathe...and know it happens to the best of us. lol. Be confident that you left a lasting impression on him as deep as the one he left one you. (shits easier said than done) Or just stay busy...lol

Deuces!

Simplicity...

Among the many lessons you can learn from watching a movie like "Avatar"...(which i just watched for the first time...tonight...and shut up) The peace, and simplicity of their lifestyle made...(aside from wanting to be one at the end of the movie...)wish for that...simplicity. Can u imagine how peacful a life like that could be...Think of nature the way they viewed it...(If you havent seen the movie yet u HAVE to.)

Skip the man made nonsense, controversy, bigotry...and be that intune with the world you live in and helped create...the one those before you died for...I know http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=4812951162821204629#I sound like a major hippie..But It just makes you think and hits you...well ME somewhere deep. Makes me want to prioritize...whats really important in the end...whats it all for...?

I'm very much a creature of simplicity.."sigh..

I feel like me even tryin to blog this isnt gonna do it justice or help u understand what it is to want that...

So i'll keep it short...What/Who are you living for? Where do your priorities fall...I'm not gonna disect everything else that can be pulled from that story cuz I'm type my fingers raw...But Zoe Saldana deserved an OSCAR for that role...

Glad I watched it...Re--thinking alot of things...

Peace...

Overload...

**Disclaimer*

This particular post is about to me hella jumbled...so feel free to skip reading it..I'm processing right now and best way to do it is to blog it out sometimes...It may not make much sense to anyone but me**

You ever hold so much in that the idea of letting it out scares you? I'm in that spot right now...

So many emotions, it's hard to get a handle on em all...travel, business, love, life, break-ups, friendships, jealousy, frustration, insecurity. I'm juggling more and more every day just waiting to see what drops first...

Every time I feel myself about to snap, about to cry, about to break...I suck it back up fast (I've become quite good at it...) End's with a headache...but that's life right?

*deep breath*...

Boy loves girl, girl likes boy, boy is scared, girl grows impatient, girl leaves boy, boy still loves her, girl gets him back...or maybe she never did. Lovers, friends, back to lovers, back to friends, now in limbo...and my head hurts. Everything for a reason, but what is ever the reason for heartache, is karma really that big a bitch? ...Was i?...They say lets the chips fall where they may, they say if u let someone go yadda yadda yadda...Screw that, I want the chips to fall in my favor, I don't want to lose what should've been mine to start with...mad tense, need a drink, and to disappear, new york again in a month , l.a after that...need a beach in my life...i honestly want to cry, dunno if I'll stop if i start seriously...so no tears for me. Chest tight, eyes burning, gonna try to make sangria for the first time later, am I no longer what he wants? or maybe he no longer trusts me with his heart...cant fault anyone for that but me. Lookin in the mirror is gonna HURT...merry-go-round of emotions ...someone broke the switch and now I can't get off...ever love someone so much that u realize if you can't have them in your life the way u need to...smh...can't ever see him with anyone else so maybe we can't be friends...dammit I'm selfish. black people don't see shrinks right. and now my throats tightening up. 6 can't get here fast enough...need my "upper room" to sit and disappear....and drink. But i get more emo when I drink and I'm back on the blasted merry-go-round except now its spinning faster...No one knows the real me seriously...that's some sad shit. They all love my smile, all love my eyes, all say I'm so pretty, so sweet, soooo...what? Can't remember the last time i cried in front of someone...gotta stay positive, gotta stay happy, roller coaster built to crash it seems, I cry when no ones watching and I laugh when everyone can see...beautiful disaster, all poetic dribble for what? Me? nah im not that poetic...but i am tired. Tired of feeling..tired of tired, tired of wanting those who don't want me and being wanted by those i don't want...always happens that way doesn't it? My empty hotel room next month is gonna be scary...my eyes are burning less, so rambling DOES help, lol. It's better to have loved and lost...bullshit. Why would i want to lose my love...? Tired of cliche's and hallmark card fixes...I need a real answer...why does it hurt and when will it stop, i should probably fall back on him, but giving up isn't like me. Then again whats "like me" hasn't worked in 7 years or whatever its been. That's too long to bounce back and forth...looking forward to a loooooooooooong walk in NY at night, maybe it'll start to come together. I"d like to walk with him, talk with him, just look at him, or be near him, fall asleep with him, laugh with him, listen to his heart beat, look at him lookin at me.... but for what? Un-requited love is a bitch too..i'm setting myself up...for lookin like a fool. My faith in marriages is dwindling, random, but I've seen 2 good friends divorced both b4 30. Only 1 solid still married couple comes to mind and they aren't even MY parents...smh. and there goes the pain again. Butterfly effect thoughts...If i went back and re-did certain parts what would the outcome be? Where would I be? Where would he be? We STILL may not have been together so who's to say? But we could've been...would've could've should've, hind sight is sure as HELL 20-20...So whats the remedy when you can see things clearer LATER? Can't fix it, cant get it back, cant make sense of it..stinging... I think he'd like the "A", already know i love NYC...matters none tho.
and the headaches back...3 hours and counting to go and home to the "upper room" I feel like a fool though, a MAJOR fool...for him. and I'd be a fool for him 30 times over if it meant he'd feel the same way or if it'd take the stinging away... or if I could just get him back,

Deuces.

Double or Nothing...

Earth shaking when you realize you've lost your chance huh? Life lesson's learned I guess...but it stings no less...

Double or Nothing...





Gotta love happy endings...Even when they aren't your own...(just wish it didn't sting so bad...)

The wind...

You ever stand still and just listen to the wind or the noise going on around you? I LOVE the elements, (someone just recently pointed that out to me) thunderstorms, breezy summer evenings,

sitting and watching the water...

But I think the wind is my favorite. I'm sitting here typing this with my windows open as it blows through my bedroom feeling calm. Calm enough to think,and blog, about whatever I got goin on in my head right now. I'm recently doing more moving around, (back to NYC at the end of May,and the to L.A at the end of June) in between all that working this whole career thing out...plus tryin my damnedest to get this fitness thing finally off and running..."sigh

But I'm starting to ramble..

My point is in the midst of all that movement, all that noise...all that wind. You need some "stillness" Everyone has that person that's that...constant in their life. That centering point, that calm.

So I guess this post will be for that person...That listens to me when I'm sure I make no sense, that knows how (even when I dont know how) to calm me...That center when everything around me is moving....

Theres a reason for every person that comes into your life, but even more reason for those that make their way into your heart, and stay there.

There's years of history, infinite trust, and unspoken understanding,respect and of course love...For that alone I consider myself lucky...even blessed.Friends (for me) are few and far between,and after all is said and done time hasn't shifted my "calm"...

My own personal security guard,super-hero, and so much more....and I'm sure he's going to read this.... ; -)

There are never enough "thank you"'s , never enough "I love you's" , and I'm glad I'm wise enough to recognize what I have...

I love the wind, but I need the balance,the quiet when I feel a lil lost....and I've got that.

My stillness....

Peace...

**DEAD**

Ok so it has to have happened to EVERY female at least once. You meet a dude u like, you finally sleep over...and BAM u have to take a crap...What do u do?

(No seriously i wanna hear some funny boo-boo stories)

But this vid had me dyyyyyyyyyin...I almost felt bad for her...lol

Xmas Babbling...

In no specific order and for no specific reason, I'm just spittin out random shyt that's been runnin through my head.

Eager for 2010, I just have a FEELING about it...weird cuz I'm never way excited abt the new year...

BBM is sucks at life....

I'm a fascinating chick truly...But I'm weird abt people, mad hard to explain. I'm like...social, but not at the same time.

I have a big family but it feels like it's just me and my mom.

I've lost a couple good friends this year (they re not dead or anything we're just not tight anymore) and I'm ok with the natural order of things...Only actions i can control are my own...

I've had 3 diff dudes wanna marry me in '09...smdh. Lames. My "standards" are soooooooooooo....yeah. I have standards...high ones.

I drank Henn with my mom today in front of her fireplace and it was fab.

I'm biting my tongue alot less lately. It's both good and bad...bad for those who rub me the wrong way...good for my sanity.

I've painted my middle fingers silver as a form of silent protest...(yes bitch look at the SILVER nail!)

I'm obsessed with bangles, yet the sound of my own jangling today nearly drove me bananas...

"You are proof that God is good to man" is so far THE illest compliment Ive ever in life received...

"You're a PRETTY muthafucka" is by far the most "wtf" one ever tho ...

I'm slacking on my twitter..sometimes I feel like it's makin me dumber.

I'm DYING to just dress people for a living. Whatever direction the wind blows me I'll have to do something in which I can create.

My hands are blessed point blank.

I'm surrounded by too much talent to not be successful

Love is a 4 letter word...use with caution.

Elle and Evita are some INSPIRING chicks.

I cant decide if i like my hair better straight or curly.

I'm noticing true success is definitely fueled by who you know, more so than it is by raw talent...and that makes me a lil sad.

Sick of people biggin themselves up..Confidence is one thing, but if u are all u truly believe you are u don't have to broadcast it. Who u tryin to convince, me or u?

Refusing to buy myself a new purse til i can find one that screams "me". Eff a Louis, Gucci, Prada, etc etc etc...You look wack carryin that shyt if the rest of u is BEAT! Show me a bitch that can rock some shyt with no name in it and STILL make u ask her where she got it.

Second obsession to my bangles has become cocktail rings...

I TRULY enjoy buying stuff for other people even more than i do for myself.

I want to wax and then buff my entire body, so I'll be smooth and slick like a seal...lmaooooooooooo

I'm really only profane when I blog, weird the most i SAY is "damn, or hell".

I have like 4 diff types of alcohol in my fridge all at once. That's never happened b4

I want braces or veneers or something. I don't have buck teeth, but I want one of those perfectly straight white toothpaste chimerical smiles.

I HAVE to go to London in 2010.

I'm beginning to not like thongs at all anymore. I mean truthfully I don't wear underwear PERIOD if I'm home, but if i can help it when I'm out i def prefer boyshorts.

I'm very much pro comfort when it comes to everything i wear, but i'll sacrifice a pinky toe for some fire ass heels. I'm sorry it's a sickness...whats the pinky toe really doin anyway? Nothing...just hanging out.

I didn't like bright lipstick til i became a makeup artist...Well I'm kinda lying. I didnt like it on ME til i became a makeup artist. I swear I feel like some kind of ninjavampirevigilanteassasin when I wear my red lipstick.

I ADORE jazz.

My dream home is a brownstone.

Screw lingerie...sweatpants hair tied chillin with no makeup on...THAT'S when I'm the prettiest I hope that you don't take it wrong.

I got my sis and her chihuahua matching snuggies for xmas...don't judge me.

Shoooooooooooot IIIIII want a snuggie dammit.

Trying to figure out WHY my dog sheds but his hair's to short to be groomed...wtf is that abt?

Def need 1 more tattoo (at least)

Theres a blessing in ever lesson real talk...

I hate when people say "real talk"

I buy earrings ALL the time but somehow I can never find the right pair when I need them.

Fool me once shame on u, fool me twice...(yeah its a wrap)

I'm VERY capable of forgiveness, but i NEVER forget. And no i don't think u need to forget in order to move on...

I LOVE the fact that people seem to think my eyelashes are fake, lmaoooooo

I dont listen to ALOT of rap, but i LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE a good cypha.

If i had one talent it'd be to sing, and if i had one super power it'd be to either fly or be invisible at will.

i NEED to see the world. (just trying to figure out how to get paid to do it.)

I want the new bb, but i suffer from waiting til my current phone is on its last damn legs b4 i upgrade...what can i say I'm loyal. lol

I have NO desire to be one of those chicks that can actively participate in sports convo's, scream at the tv, etc etc...I'm sorry I just don't CARE that much.

My fave color combo is pink and black, but I own like ONE pink and black thing. I'm actually noticing i have alot of purple or red things...

Maybe i just like bright shyt period

Ok im babbled out...well maybe not. I'm SURE I could go on...lol

Maybe i'll continue later on.

Merry Christmas lovies...Deuces!

Feel Me...

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”~Maya Angelou


....peace

Skeletons in the Closet...

So many skeletons in the closet...be careful not to get tripped up by all those bones...




Yup...

Peace.

Untitled...

"Now you caught my heart for the evening...

Kissed my cheek , moved in...you've confused things.

Do I just sit back or come harder?

Help me find my way...."

Well Dang...is right. Guess I gotta giggle...Life funny funny funny to death...

Toodles.

The Pursuit of Happiness...

Sometimes I think thing's faster than I can get them out. I had thought up the whole first paragraph of this blog before I even turned the laptop on lol...

But that's not the point/topic.

Everyone is familiar with the phrase/concept of pursuing happiness...But when you sit back and look at your life and the way you're living it...Can u say honestly that that's what you're doing?


First what makes you happy? I read somewhere or heard somewhere that if you get a job doing something you love you'll never work a day in your life. That made me smile...I know what I love to do, I know where i want to be...But can I honestly say the day to day living of my life is pointing me in that direction? Sometimes I'm not sure.

What career path makes you happy? Are you working towards that?
Who makes you happy? Are You around that person?

It's real simple but kinda complex. Living your life can carry you at such a fast pace sometimes the "happiness" takes a backseat.

I know so many ppl that pursue the dollar..(I guess in hopes that money will make them happy)
I know ppl that will pursue a relationship in the hopes of that person loving them back...(which i guess will ultimately make them happy)

But i guess i kinda feel like happiness has to start within.
You gotta be happy with YOU before the other stuff will start to fall into place.

I've had money, that doesn't do it..I have love, that only does part of it. I have a passion and that contributes too...

But when I sit and say am I doing what makes me happy? I gotta stop and think about my answer.

Weird.

I mean look at Michael Jackson's recent passing. That man was on top of the world. A living legend for most of his life. Preforming since 5, dead at 50. Toured the world, millions on top of millions of fans, and up until recently more money than anyone could possibly conceive. I read a post that said "I think we enjoyed his music more than he did".

It struck me because before all his scandal's you'd assume he's got to be happy..he's got it all.

But watch any interview...there was such a sadness about him. I'm gettin sidetracked...but my point is as cliche as it sounds...Life is SO short, and you only get one shot at it.

If you're not makin yourself happy when seriously what are you doing? I don't want to grow older feeling like i haven't "lived". Feeling like there's so much more I could've done, or wishing I could do it over cuz I spent so much of it living for others, or living the way I thought I was supposed to...

I'm tired of "going through the motions"....and I'm working daily towards happiness...

Not money, not to please others...not to live my life any other way but for ME.

Peace.

P.S - Curious...what really makes you HAPPY?