Truth.

 

 

Ache..

That dull aching that comes from missing...not just the person, but the things you associate with them. That easy affection, hand holding, hugs, quick kisses at red lights...just the nearness...of just being in the same room even when we're not touching each other....Talkin, laughing, tv...

 

Guess Im just in that place today...dealing with that dull ache. The need for that connection, and the understanding growing and changing but missing some of the initial innocence...those gestures that kept me up at night hugging my pillow and smiling...thinking and remembering...

 

Songs, movies, all kinds of things flip that switch...I love loving ....but when that ache is present , and the person isn't....I wish for an off switch. Guess I just miss him...

To you...with love.

No stranger to my posts both directly and indirectly. I debated on even doing a post...then debated on what I'd want it to say....debated on keeping it simple...debating on going deep. Came to the conclusion ...of just going with my heart. In 32 years it hasn't failed me in the areas that matter most. We're in a ...delicate...sensitive space right now....in my opinion at least. I'm kinda just feeling my way along, but this post isn't about that. This is to say...how much I love, adore, value, and cherish the person you've proven to be in my life....on the day that celebrates the start of yours....You told me just recently you'd lay down your life for mine without hesitation...and although that wasn't new to me hearing it from you...this time it resonated...this time....for lack of wording....I believed it. You'll never in this lifetime understand what your existence means to me. I'll never possess the words strong enough, if they even exist. Which is why your birthday means so much to me. That might sounds crazy...but I'm miles past worrying about what I sound like...you always seem to understand anyway. So from the very bottom of my heart, with all the love I have....Happy Birthday to you. In the simplest and most direct term...I love you. I wouldn't be me without you. HUGE part of my life and one of my very best friends ever. Seen me through soooo much, laughter, tears, fear, anger, I could go on...but there's no need. You get it. Distance has made zero difference in what we are...beautifully undefinable. My eternal bodyguard. I've always been of the belief that people don't enter your life by accident...there is always a reason. They are either there for a season or for a lifetime...at this stage in the game I feel safe in saying your place in mine is for a lifetime...Happy Birthday to you Jay, from the bottom of my heart, and with all my love.

 

 

 

Untitled

In the silence of the city night

When the lonely watch the sky in yearning
I, at rest, lie in peace beside you
I searched a thousand skies before you came
And in the morning, when the world is new
The lonely turn away, as I turn to you, beside me
And in the quiet of the afternoon, when the lonely roam
I turn beside, and you are with me still
I roamed a thousand miles before you came...

 

Trying to find peace any way I can tonight....

 

Aftermath...

The strange calmness that follows a storm...it's always been the most indescribable part of storms...the stillness after. I've felt so many things in such a short period of time...and I can't say that all is clear now, I'm still feeling....something....but I don't know what. Alongside that is the confusion...I guess I'm moving past it, it's they "whys" that still linger here and there. Not the obvious whys...although those are there too. I do wonder what made her decide to tell me...I do wonder why her...

 

Chalk it up to bad judgement? Moment(s) of weakness...human right? This is where the confusion creeps back in. And the "what if"'s....it's been a wave of thoughts...anger, hurt, more anger, more hurt....tears mixed in, the calm that follows with finally talking about it, recognizing the regret..understanding it was a mistake in the attempt to protect my feelings which I can understand ' that ever present want to protect me....to not hurt me. I love that so much about who he is to me. My eternal bodyguard, trying to protect my heart at all costs. So I can't imagine how he feels/felt knowing that backfired. That ever present want to protect me is what keeps me from being angry. I can't erase it but I think I can move past it.

 

Situations like these are why at this stage in my life titles don't matter to me. I've never referred to him as an ex, doubt I ever will. I can't call him mine...but my hearts tied to his indefinitely so call him what you want...no one will ever fully understand what "we" are...ourselves included. I've learned to be fine with that. What bothered me wasn't the act...she was so nonchalant about it...."sigh. But anyway, no it wasn't the act, it was the thought that could someone possibly have come between what he and I have. Someone that clearly didn't...think of him the way I do. I know from the conversation there's more she wanted to tell me, but I'm fine with leaving that where it is. Don't know if he will do the same, but if it's past let it be past...the only actions I can control are my own though...

 

My mind wanders too much for my own good, so I'm trying not to compare...trying to not think of how he is with me...and inserting her into that role...that's the part that shakes me slightly still, even after the calm. Maybe that's part of what I'm feeling that I can't put into words. I'm not sure. One step at a time. We spoke. We are good. The rest will come with time. Now when I catch my mind wandering I snap myself out of it quickly...your own thoughts can be your worst enemy sometimes...All boils down to openness, and communication...it's progress. Maybe it was for a reason...I mean isn't everything....?

 

Make it like....

 Poetry, poetry, poetry. Everything wrong you see make it alright..make it like...~ Tamia

 

Lost medium I believe, and I miss it so much. There once was a time where i'd get the most beautiful most heartfelt words ever inked. No by email, text, or any of that. But in his own writing. His penmanship that would demonstrate his love for me, his nerves visable in the letters and lines, inking something so personal with the intent of giving it away...with the intent of giving me a part of him on paper that I'd keep forever. .. I miss that deep down to the core of me. His words on paper were the most beautiful....the most expressive....I'd give anything....

 

But that's not what this post was supposed to be about....? Or was it...

But my favorite poet...Pablo Neruda, has been heavy on my mind recently...oh what it would feel like to open a letter again, see the beautiful words on the page in his writing...SEE his feelings for me wrapped in those words...hopeless romantic I am....total sucker for it. But the true romance...that passion, that sheer feeling and emotion...that seeing the actual writing knowing it was written with only YOU in mind can convey....god i miiiiiiiss it. I want to read something again that brings tears to my eyes, butterflies to my stomach, that feeling of my heart beating faster then slower then faster...from knowing not only that someone feels so strongly for me...but thought enough of me in this digital age to write. Write til his hand hurt, write with me filling his thoughts, so strong he can still smell me, taste me , feel me....and spill all that into the pages...that passion on paper. Leaving me his heart on the page. 

 

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” 
― Pablo Neruda

Words...his words...I miss them.

If...

And if I'm never able to call him mine again, I still couldn't possibly love him any less...and that's 100% real.

Kinda Blue...

Tippin around the blogosphere and came across the beautiful Jhene's post about Blue...Makes me think of someone special...so I gotta credit her for the words, so here's part of it...but yeah...Blu's my favorite too...

Blue is my favorite color...

If' I'm feelin Blue,

Then I'm feelin Wonder-

Full of life like the sky and the ocean...

Blue is my favorite emotion...

Overload...

**Disclaimer*

This particular post is about to me hella jumbled...so feel free to skip reading it..I'm processing right now and best way to do it is to blog it out sometimes...It may not make much sense to anyone but me**

You ever hold so much in that the idea of letting it out scares you? I'm in that spot right now...

So many emotions, it's hard to get a handle on em all...travel, business, love, life, break-ups, friendships, jealousy, frustration, insecurity. I'm juggling more and more every day just waiting to see what drops first...

Every time I feel myself about to snap, about to cry, about to break...I suck it back up fast (I've become quite good at it...) End's with a headache...but that's life right?

*deep breath*...

Boy loves girl, girl likes boy, boy is scared, girl grows impatient, girl leaves boy, boy still loves her, girl gets him back...or maybe she never did. Lovers, friends, back to lovers, back to friends, now in limbo...and my head hurts. Everything for a reason, but what is ever the reason for heartache, is karma really that big a bitch? ...Was i?...They say lets the chips fall where they may, they say if u let someone go yadda yadda yadda...Screw that, I want the chips to fall in my favor, I don't want to lose what should've been mine to start with...mad tense, need a drink, and to disappear, new york again in a month , l.a after that...need a beach in my life...i honestly want to cry, dunno if I'll stop if i start seriously...so no tears for me. Chest tight, eyes burning, gonna try to make sangria for the first time later, am I no longer what he wants? or maybe he no longer trusts me with his heart...cant fault anyone for that but me. Lookin in the mirror is gonna HURT...merry-go-round of emotions ...someone broke the switch and now I can't get off...ever love someone so much that u realize if you can't have them in your life the way u need to...smh...can't ever see him with anyone else so maybe we can't be friends...dammit I'm selfish. black people don't see shrinks right. and now my throats tightening up. 6 can't get here fast enough...need my "upper room" to sit and disappear....and drink. But i get more emo when I drink and I'm back on the blasted merry-go-round except now its spinning faster...No one knows the real me seriously...that's some sad shit. They all love my smile, all love my eyes, all say I'm so pretty, so sweet, soooo...what? Can't remember the last time i cried in front of someone...gotta stay positive, gotta stay happy, roller coaster built to crash it seems, I cry when no ones watching and I laugh when everyone can see...beautiful disaster, all poetic dribble for what? Me? nah im not that poetic...but i am tired. Tired of feeling..tired of tired, tired of wanting those who don't want me and being wanted by those i don't want...always happens that way doesn't it? My empty hotel room next month is gonna be scary...my eyes are burning less, so rambling DOES help, lol. It's better to have loved and lost...bullshit. Why would i want to lose my love...? Tired of cliche's and hallmark card fixes...I need a real answer...why does it hurt and when will it stop, i should probably fall back on him, but giving up isn't like me. Then again whats "like me" hasn't worked in 7 years or whatever its been. That's too long to bounce back and forth...looking forward to a loooooooooooong walk in NY at night, maybe it'll start to come together. I"d like to walk with him, talk with him, just look at him, or be near him, fall asleep with him, laugh with him, listen to his heart beat, look at him lookin at me.... but for what? Un-requited love is a bitch too..i'm setting myself up...for lookin like a fool. My faith in marriages is dwindling, random, but I've seen 2 good friends divorced both b4 30. Only 1 solid still married couple comes to mind and they aren't even MY parents...smh. and there goes the pain again. Butterfly effect thoughts...If i went back and re-did certain parts what would the outcome be? Where would I be? Where would he be? We STILL may not have been together so who's to say? But we could've been...would've could've should've, hind sight is sure as HELL 20-20...So whats the remedy when you can see things clearer LATER? Can't fix it, cant get it back, cant make sense of it..stinging... I think he'd like the "A", already know i love NYC...matters none tho.
and the headaches back...3 hours and counting to go and home to the "upper room" I feel like a fool though, a MAJOR fool...for him. and I'd be a fool for him 30 times over if it meant he'd feel the same way or if it'd take the stinging away... or if I could just get him back,

Deuces.

Double or Nothing...

Earth shaking when you realize you've lost your chance huh? Life lesson's learned I guess...but it stings no less...

Double or Nothing...





Gotta love happy endings...Even when they aren't your own...(just wish it didn't sting so bad...)

The wind...

You ever stand still and just listen to the wind or the noise going on around you? I LOVE the elements, (someone just recently pointed that out to me) thunderstorms, breezy summer evenings,

sitting and watching the water...

But I think the wind is my favorite. I'm sitting here typing this with my windows open as it blows through my bedroom feeling calm. Calm enough to think,and blog, about whatever I got goin on in my head right now. I'm recently doing more moving around, (back to NYC at the end of May,and the to L.A at the end of June) in between all that working this whole career thing out...plus tryin my damnedest to get this fitness thing finally off and running..."sigh

But I'm starting to ramble..

My point is in the midst of all that movement, all that noise...all that wind. You need some "stillness" Everyone has that person that's that...constant in their life. That centering point, that calm.

So I guess this post will be for that person...That listens to me when I'm sure I make no sense, that knows how (even when I dont know how) to calm me...That center when everything around me is moving....

Theres a reason for every person that comes into your life, but even more reason for those that make their way into your heart, and stay there.

There's years of history, infinite trust, and unspoken understanding,respect and of course love...For that alone I consider myself lucky...even blessed.Friends (for me) are few and far between,and after all is said and done time hasn't shifted my "calm"...

My own personal security guard,super-hero, and so much more....and I'm sure he's going to read this.... ; -)

There are never enough "thank you"'s , never enough "I love you's" , and I'm glad I'm wise enough to recognize what I have...

I love the wind, but I need the balance,the quiet when I feel a lil lost....and I've got that.

My stillness....

Peace...

All I need in this life of sin...

"and so I put this on my life... No body or nothing could ever come between us and I promise I'll give my life...my love and my trust if you was my boyfriend... I put this on my life...the air that I breathe and all that I believe in, and I promise I'll give my life... my love and my trust if you was my boyfriend.."




"Sometimes i trip on how happy we could be"......yeah. I guess it is like that sometimes.

Peace...

Pon and Zi make me smile...

This one makes me think of someone...

Peace.

4 Letter word...

Fuck Love...

I say fuck love, this made up , trumped up
overly exaggerated grand emotion that we search our entire lives for in vain,
This bullshit hallmark card, valentine day, book writing, movie motivating ass emotion...

Love ain't SHIT!
this cold, callous ass emotion that is allegedly everywhere, but impossible to locate?
Man, fuck that!

Why doesn't love look for me???

Well fuck love cuz love don't love nobody,
which is why love is pain,
Thus intertwined in hate.

In love on Monday,
Fuck that nigga on Sunday.

Ive seen people in love one day,
and spiteful the next day..
no the next hour, no wait the next minute!

Fall in love to fall out of love!?!?!?

I'd rather you kill me, my family, and my closest friends,
But DO NOT make me fall in love with you,

So we can pass hugs and kisses,

Make love at night,

In the twilight,

Under the starlight,

WELL NOT THIS NIGHT!!!

You ain't about to get me glaze eyed,

Heart open,

"I think i wanna marry him"

Then fuck my girl, or my friend or even worse... my enemy

Behind my back,

Fuck that!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck this poem!!!

And most definitely Fuck Love!


OK I didn't write this and I'm not sure who did otherwise I'd credit the author directly...I'm not anti love at all...I'm the epitome of a hopeless romantic...But everyone has had one of these days, weeks, months where this poem...say it ALL! (I'm not sayin I'm there...But i know sometimes it fits...so i felt like sharing...)


Yeah...

Peace.

"Cheaters"

"If i had never been in love, I wouldn't crave the wonderful, crazy, euphoric feeling it gave when it was working.

If I had never had sex, I'd never ache for the eroticism while i worked it with someone I wanted to have my heart.

If I had never been heartbroken, I wouldn't fight the feeling of love when it came...

Alot of me has been ruptured...But life repairs itself...

Pains lessen
Wounds heal
Scars remain

Wether we want to or not we stop clinging and move on...."



And excerpt from "Cheaters" By : Eric Jerome Dickey


Peace.

Wordage x2...

I'm gettin re-reminded of just how much I used to FEEL def poetry/spoken word.

"sigh...(Runs to look up the ENTIRE DVD collection on Ebay...)

Peace

Mommy...

I speak to my mom daily...

She called me today when I got off work to tell me she just felt like hearing my voice...

So me being the cheeseball that i am...I was like "Awwww, isn't that special"

So she says (totally serious...) "You are special...more special than you know"

And even as I'm typin this I'm tearing up...My relationship with my mom is very unique...But that's for another post.

Funny how things like that can make your whole year...The older I get the more I grow to truly appreciate my mommy.

I'm blessed enough to have alot of people in my life that truly do love me...But nothing has ever and will ever compare to the way my mom can and does.


I Love her...Just felt like sharing that.

Too Much or Not At All..

Crazy...but that in a nutshell I'm noticing is how I approach life. Be it love, money, success, etc etc...

If I want it/love it/need it...I've got tunnel vision...I go harder than hard. But just like that...When I feel all my efforts are for naught...You(it) can cease to exist to me ...just...thatquick!

Now don't get me wrong...I'm sure it sounds like bitchery on a smallish scale...It's not a conscious effort (I don't think). I just...stop caring...and when I stop caring...I can't (in most cases) reverse it.

I don't by any means think this is healthy or normal...and in certain cases the ping-pongery (que?) of it kinda makes me uneasy. My emotions are so shredded I'm pretty sure I'd make a therapist rich. But black ppl don't go to shrinks...(do we?)

I mean let me clarify...on something I take as seriously as the "L" word...It's not like...I love you today, and I hate you tomorrow...That would just make me bi-polar and probably a bit out of touch...i.e nuts.

But as someone who's a tad jaded in the love department...I can love you to death and still wish u the best but not want anything to do with u period.

A friend said to me today "I just want you to be good" ( as in OK), and my response was "me too".

Cuz I wish more than anything else that i was "good" or that it was just that simple. But really what ever is?

In a perfect world....(why did typing that just make me smirk?)
I used to be able to say "in a perfect world...blah blah blah..." But oddly nothing came to mind just now. (that's crazy)

But I feel like I'm straying from the point here. I feel like i have so much built up inside of me right now...anger, confusion, sadness, (ugh i sound so geigh!) And I've analyzed myself enough to know that it's from caring too much...abt ppl that can't/won't/don't know how to return the favor.

I have a HUGE heart ( a gift and a curse)...But certain ppl will always have a place in it...But when I feel like I've been played/wronged/taken for granted/or just flat out hurt...I'll love u forever, but you'll disappear to me. I don't hide, or change my number...i don't do anything blatant. I just limit our contact til there just is NO contact...and then just smile to myself when I get the out of the blue text "Why did we stop chillin, I miss u".

Can't be healthy...and i don't know when or how that became my way of handeling things. I don't even know what the remedy for this approach would be. Makes me come off real robotic and cold in a sense.

I can give u all I've got, open my chest up and lay my heart out there for u...Be the best friend in the world to u, be the chick you can't shake, cant forget, will always want...But the SECOND...I feel like you've done me dirty/wrong in any capacity...The second you take all that for granted...or assume I'm weak...

It's like the armor comes out...UNCONCIOUSLY...just like that I harden...(to that person, place or thing)

Now when I say this scares the crap out of me...smh.


Because I know myself well enough to know this "defense mechanism" won't last forever...When you harden like that and don't let hurt out...it builds, and builds, and builds....til u just SNAP!

See...I KNOW I'm gonna snap...just don't know, when...where, or what will cause it...

Just hoping when i do I'll be able to pick the pieces back up and put myself back together...

I almost feel like I need to wear a warning label for those closest to me...I love/care/give...TOO much...or not at ALL...

Your choice...

Deuces.

Untitled...

"Now you caught my heart for the evening...

Kissed my cheek , moved in...you've confused things.

Do I just sit back or come harder?

Help me find my way...."

Well Dang...is right. Guess I gotta giggle...Life funny funny funny to death...

Toodles.

LOVE Love...

At first these two got the MEAN side eye from me...But I hate to admit it...They're growing on me.



Anyone who watched MTB saw the whole Dawn and Que thing unfold definitely thought it was a joke, a stunt, some TV b.s blah blah blah.



I can't lie...I'm surprised. They seem to be the real deal...




From his tatt of her name (like the location of that one) and her lips on his neck...


To her's on her wrist...(don't have a pic for that one)


To the candid pics, to the interviews, to their most recent intimate photo shoot with Derek Blanks...(which is actually pretty dope)














They say you can tell alot from the way a man look's at you...


They're def in love...(below Que's Global Grind Interview)

I figured I would get DAWN’s lips because she will be mine forever and I’m hers forever, so why not. It’s the best example of how honest I am in my relationship and about our love. Her lips and her name is an example to others that it’s OK to LOVE YOUR GIRL. It’s an example on how to be HONEST. I actually got her name when we started getting serious , so I had that way before the lips on my neck. I’m sure there will be more tattoos to come.

If you want to be a better person you have to “ be honest with yourself and it ‘s OK to be in love and be proud to love your girl”. You don’t have to cheat because people tell you it’s not cool to be with one person. If you’re happy, do you. When you love yourself others will see that in you and do the same. They have no choice but to respect it.

I like to be in my own world and express who I am. All my tattoos mean something to me and they all tie together in their own way. Some people get tattoos cause they look cool I get them because of my love for ART.



I'm all for Love...and I can't knock what they've found....Age diff, celeb status, whatever....They make me smile...



Peace...