Ache..

That dull aching that comes from missing...not just the person, but the things you associate with them. That easy affection, hand holding, hugs, quick kisses at red lights...just the nearness...of just being in the same room even when we're not touching each other....Talkin, laughing, tv...

 

Guess Im just in that place today...dealing with that dull ache. The need for that connection, and the understanding growing and changing but missing some of the initial innocence...those gestures that kept me up at night hugging my pillow and smiling...thinking and remembering...

 

Songs, movies, all kinds of things flip that switch...I love loving ....but when that ache is present , and the person isn't....I wish for an off switch. Guess I just miss him...

Nights like this...

It's a process...day by day, nights prove to be the hardest...too quiet, too many thoughts, toooo too many emotions.

 

Definitions...

There is a huge difference between a woman that wants you and a woman that needs you...I have to learn to let certain notions go...

 

Aftermath...

The strange calmness that follows a storm...it's always been the most indescribable part of storms...the stillness after. I've felt so many things in such a short period of time...and I can't say that all is clear now, I'm still feeling....something....but I don't know what. Alongside that is the confusion...I guess I'm moving past it, it's they "whys" that still linger here and there. Not the obvious whys...although those are there too. I do wonder what made her decide to tell me...I do wonder why her...

 

Chalk it up to bad judgement? Moment(s) of weakness...human right? This is where the confusion creeps back in. And the "what if"'s....it's been a wave of thoughts...anger, hurt, more anger, more hurt....tears mixed in, the calm that follows with finally talking about it, recognizing the regret..understanding it was a mistake in the attempt to protect my feelings which I can understand ' that ever present want to protect me....to not hurt me. I love that so much about who he is to me. My eternal bodyguard, trying to protect my heart at all costs. So I can't imagine how he feels/felt knowing that backfired. That ever present want to protect me is what keeps me from being angry. I can't erase it but I think I can move past it.

 

Situations like these are why at this stage in my life titles don't matter to me. I've never referred to him as an ex, doubt I ever will. I can't call him mine...but my hearts tied to his indefinitely so call him what you want...no one will ever fully understand what "we" are...ourselves included. I've learned to be fine with that. What bothered me wasn't the act...she was so nonchalant about it...."sigh. But anyway, no it wasn't the act, it was the thought that could someone possibly have come between what he and I have. Someone that clearly didn't...think of him the way I do. I know from the conversation there's more she wanted to tell me, but I'm fine with leaving that where it is. Don't know if he will do the same, but if it's past let it be past...the only actions I can control are my own though...

 

My mind wanders too much for my own good, so I'm trying not to compare...trying to not think of how he is with me...and inserting her into that role...that's the part that shakes me slightly still, even after the calm. Maybe that's part of what I'm feeling that I can't put into words. I'm not sure. One step at a time. We spoke. We are good. The rest will come with time. Now when I catch my mind wandering I snap myself out of it quickly...your own thoughts can be your worst enemy sometimes...All boils down to openness, and communication...it's progress. Maybe it was for a reason...I mean isn't everything....?

 

Saw this somewhere...

"My father broke my heart long before any boy had a chance to."

Saw this line somewhere....was sad to me cause it was true.

If...

And if I'm never able to call him mine again, I still couldn't possibly love him any less...and that's 100% real.

Widening the gap....

It feels like you're trying to stop a train with your bare hands...I mean imagine jumping on then tracks at 59th street trying to command the A to slow down....or just flat-out stop. You're either going to get run over or dragged along under it, but either way you're gonna die trying...

That's a bit dramatic, but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. When you love someone so much, and they've been a part of your life for so long, but all you feel is distance growing sprinkled with a close moment here and there what do you do? Try to fill your hands with water...I mean fill them and hold it. You can't...you're just left with wet hands...evidence that it was there but it's still gone. To be fair I am going through some communication pet peeves...the Internet is starting to rub me the wrong way, as a whole...( I say this as I'm typing a damn blog...shut up) but I miss REAL communication, but understand that it's all about convenience now...so a text/ bbm/email is sometimes more realistic than a phone call...but since when have I been a realist? I'd rather be inconvenienced by a phone call than feel like I'm losing someone that I wouldn't be me without...true when I lived in NY it was a lot easier to grab some free moments to take a walk and talk, to hang out and whoever's house and watch tv...but does that mean thats it's not possible to keep that closeness just cause we're no longer in close proximity? You cant have close friends(?) unless you guys live a commute from each other? That's such a sad thought...actually brings tears to my eyes, but thats not saying much since I've been overly emotional as a whole for over a month now...but I digress.

My question...is what do I do? How do I stop this? Can I reverse it? Lose the metaphoric "gap" quickly widening between us...or just remember what was, smile at the memories and accept is as life....? Ugh that last one dosent even sound halfway right, I'm the QUEEN of letting people walk away that brought nothing to my life...and if this was just anyone, this post wouldn't even be happening....but to be honest I can't imagine no him in my life...can't even wrap my mind around the fact that "we" might be a permanently past tense thing.

Not to be too much of an idealist but this...funk I've been in has me reexamining life and realizing before you know it it's gone...people...opportunities...it's a scary thought. When the pace and "convenience" of communication slows down long enough for you to step back and take a look, what are you really left with? Shell of something that was once such a...HUGE part of your life....your heart...

I'm depressing myself...but how many ways can you say I miss you? I miss us? Before you just sound repetitive? If I lose him I've lost a part of me, that simple.

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Yup!

Dirty Talk, Pillow Talk, Phone Sex...

Whatever you want to call it....are you into it? I gotta be honest, I wasn't at first...but then again I was also the little girl that thought BJ's we gross too...(so not the case ;-) But I digress...

Some people have it, and some people don't when it comes to turning me on with just your words. That could be due to not knowing what to say...or even being uncomfortable with the idea of telling someone exactly what you'd like to do to them. For me especially...Don't be a chatterbox, but the right thing can have me... :-)

It definitely doesn't replace the real thing, but it can be a good substitute when distance or circumstance is a factor....When your guy's at work a dirty text/vm can have him rushing home to see you...lol

Besides I think it keeps things kind of interesting. I know I felt funny as hell at first but once i realized what a turn on it was...i was all in...

Where do you want my hands? What are you gonna do to me when you see me? You want to do it where?

Ease into it at first...try something simple and work your way up...or try reading this...

When a few choice words can end here..., how can you not?

So ladies, gentlemen...do you talk dirty?

Why or why not?

Peace

Body, Soul, Mind, Spirit...

We should hold ourselves accountable for not demanding a higher standard of excellence. We reward the mediocre. Maybe that’s an issue with ourselves, being drawn to mediocrity because its relatable, for people feeling mediocre. In that case, step up your own excellence and then want it to be reflected in all around you.”

—

Jean Grae

I've been in a really strange place for the past few weeks, coming off an emotional return to ATL from NYC...Quitting my job and deciding to become an entrepreneur, and then off to L.A for a week....All in less than a 3 week time frame was more than a little jarring...That's the short version...But L.A in a nutshell has become my second love...first being NYC...They're running pretty close right now. But before I start to ramble...The above quote fit a corner of whats been swimming around my head for most of the month of June. I'm transitioning, and within that I cant always expect to be understood...(I've stopped trying). I can be a lonely feeling when no one really "gets" you...but I digress...

The people I'm allowing into my life at this stage in the game is changing...and quickly. I used to blame it on my dwindling patience for stupidity...But I'm seeing now that I'm holding myself to such a standard and I'm forcing, pushing, willing myself towards excellence...that any less surrounding me just isn't going to work.

The mediocrity isn't "relatable" to me anymore....it's not good enough. Excellence is all I'm willing to accept. Be it in my personal life, career, my spiritual life, .... How did I accept less? It's not even fathomable anymore.

This is on top of the mountain I climbed in L.A, I took this pic once i reached the top.....symbolic for alot of reasons....The world is mine...Keep up with me or keep away...

Deuces.

So good it'll hurt your feelings...

And I'm talkin about sex, dick, penis, wang, pipe, tool, whatever you wanna call it. It all means the same damn thing. Everyone has had it...STD...(sexually transmitted dumbness...) That dick so good you turn into a pure fool. Lemmie explain....You ever have that person that you have insane chemistry with? I mean it's in the eye contact...the conversation, so when you get behind closed doors...it explodes. Now not necessarily throwing clothes off and knocking over lamps (although that's all good too...) But I'm talkin about that slow burn...the kind that simmers. Starts with a kiss, the kind that grows deeper...lights off, clothes to follow...and that slow ,deliberate ,considerate passionate, intense ....dick....

I've had it...and it's nothing to play with. It's like when you have a pot on the stove. Think boiling rice ( for those of u who can cook...) You put in the water, then the rice, turn the flame on and let it simmer...you're supposed to let the rice boil, let the water drain down...not low enough so u burn it, but juuuuuuuuuuuuust low enough so it's perfect. But if you're not watching it...it'll boil over...or you're gonna burn up the whole thing

Yup...and it's deep. (no pun, lol) The inaudible mumbles, the hands, the kisses, the heavy breathing...ALL of that is the recipe for it and if you've had it you love it and hate it all at once.

See now when I say... act dumb i mean by the time all is said and done...You're texting him (random bullshit tryin to be conversational) just so he texts back...lol. You're thinkin about when you'll see him again, you re thinkin about the "next time", you re remembering what was said, how it felt. Is he thinkin about me as much as I'm thinkin about him? Does he miss me too? I got a minute to text him...he doesn't?

Then you get paranoid...lol...Maybe it wasn't all that for him? How come in not on his mind? Is he with someone else right now?

You go through amazing heartache, sadness, anger , paranoia...etc etc...(when about 99.9% of the time...he's feelin u back...We just forget men don't react the same way women do)

So by this point it's eff playin it cool, nonchalant...lol Great dick will make you go harder than you've ever gone before...lol. You play the..."I wont text him" game...then every damn time you get one you KNOW it's him..I mean it has to be, or you re picking up the phone to look at it like u MISSED the text alert somehow, you haven't spoken in a full what....10 hours?! Lmaoooo...I can laugh cuz I been there, but when you're caught up in the great dick aftermath, ain't SHIT funny...

And God forbid you send a text that didn't get a response...the damn world is ending! CURSE THAT BLINKING RED LIGHT ON YOUR BLACKBERRY THAT WONT EFFIN BLINK!

Yeah...you never outgrow the effects of great dick...I'm sorry to tell ya. It's dope and it sucks all at once...

smh....don't feel bad though ladies...dudes can get caught up in great head/great ass too...lol

But we're not talkin about them this post.

But point blank, Great dick will make you act dumb. Fact!

It's OK...if the chemistry was genuine he's not gonna forget it so quickly...men just aren't like us. Don't be a bugaboo...(it's hard) and don't over think it if u wanna drop a hello text cool...relax and breathe...and know it happens to the best of us. lol. Be confident that you left a lasting impression on him as deep as the one he left one you. (shits easier said than done) Or just stay busy...lol

Deuces!

It Started off with a kiss...

Words can't explain how knee weakening a good passionate kiss is. I LOVE kissing...L-O-V-E it...Truthfully I cant even have sex with u, we wont even get that far if you cant kiss me the right way. But i think I may have touched on this blog wise already...or maybe I'm thinkin of an actual conversation I had but either way...I can't say enough about the right kiss...Some of my most memorable ones were at night...But everyone has that one person or one kiss thats soooo memorable that you can recall it like it was yesterday...still give u chills...We me at least. "sigh...Slow, sweet, those unexpected ones that catch you off guard and last endlessly...The ones where it seems like everything around u has stopped...Arms around my waist or on my hips...I'm soooooooo zoning out on memories...

The quick little stolen ones on the street at a red light...In truth if you can't kiss me where I get chills, buttlerflies, weak knees,...we truly may not work out. Thats being 100% honest with u, theyre that major for me...well the good ones. I want to here some good kiss stories...leave me some...

But one my travels through the web I found this article on kissing...it was interesting...So enjoy...

All Over kiss
Starting at your partner's forehead, make your way down as softly and sensually as possible. You want to gently caress the skin using only your lips. Ultimately, this kiss relies on your imagination so go wherever your lips and his/her body takes you...

Back kiss
Undress your partner – this act in itself is bound to get both of your pulses racing – and have them lie face down. Start kissing from the back of their neck down to their buttocks, while simultaneously running your tongue across it and breathing really heavily. The hot/cold sensation will make your partner squeal in delight!

Belly-button kiss
One of our most erotic zones has got to be the navel – it tickles, it's sensitive and oh-so divine. Turn your partner on instantly with a gentle, lingering kiss on her belly.

Earlobe kiss
Prepare to drive your partner up the wall with excitement. This kiss is simple and because the skin around the ear is so sensitive, even a gentle suck will do.

Finger kiss
It's not as dirrrty as it sounds. Promise. The finger kiss is actually quite seductive and pleasurable. Simply suck on your partner's fingers while holding eye-contact. Pure bliss, I tell you...

Foot kiss
After a romantic bath together, massage your partner's feet. If sucking is too much for you, then simply kiss the tips of the toes. Remember that some parts of the foot may be more sensitive than others, but if your partner is completely relaxed, there's no reason for them not to enjoy it!

French kiss
Thought we forgot about it? Nuh uh. The French kiss is the most popular kiss and for those of you living in a cave, just know that it involves a bit of tongue. Yummy...

Fruity kiss
Yes, you guessed it. How it's done? Place a slice of apple (or any other fruit) between your lips and move in for a kiss. Nibble, smile and allow the juice to run into your mouths.

Ice kiss
With a cube of ice in your mouth, start kissing your partner on the lips. Gently pass the ice back and forth until the ice is completely melted, then move down to the neck area. The cold of your tongue against the warmth of your partner's body is an exhilarating contrast. For both of you.

Tongue kiss
While Frenching your partner, gently suck on their tongue.

And there you have it – the ultimate kissing guide to kissing

...and here are some of my personal favs.

Lips..Duh

Neck ...but very softly..

Cheek/Forehead...they're so sweet...

Can't tell u the rest...but DAMMIT now I wanna be kissed......

peace...

WTF Momment of the week...

My dilemma is the pretty girl/wtf dude syndrome...

Case in point...



And...this





Now i know it's been questioned to death...But I cant help but wanna ask Lauren London...WHYYYYYYY?! I mean I had this convo at work with my boss and she said it may have something to do with confidence...Confidence is def sexy...But all the confidence in the world wont make me let Lil Wayne hit...and RAW too!?

LAUREN!!..."sigh...


2nd Case in point...

How does a girl like this...




Go from...this tackhead..





to THIS!...



Really Christina?!

I mean OK Lil Wayne is supposed to be mad funny in person,(but dude is up to HOW many kids now?) and Nick Cannon is supposed to be a really nice guy,(but he's lame as all hell...sorry) and the Dream is crazy talented (but he's another one with like 3 kids, ...that he seems to like stealing clothes from)...who gives a shit right this second...

I'm speakin from a totally shallow point of view. No looks aren't everything but shyt they do MATTER, ur a bloody LIE if u say they don't...

So I guess I just don't get it...Now don't get me wrong...this epidemic exists on the flipside too...so PLEASE don't get me started on posting dudes with some less than favorable chicks...

"sigh...As two chicks I find totally stunning I guess when they end up with dudes that make u say wtf...U gotta kinda scratch ur head...

I mean... at least Christina got a ring out of the whole situation...(Sorry New-New)

Deuces!

P.S - and I'm throwing this one in just because...




and...




Sorry Mr. Flame...

All I need in this life of sin...

"and so I put this on my life... No body or nothing could ever come between us and I promise I'll give my life...my love and my trust if you was my boyfriend... I put this on my life...the air that I breathe and all that I believe in, and I promise I'll give my life... my love and my trust if you was my boyfriend.."




"Sometimes i trip on how happy we could be"......yeah. I guess it is like that sometimes.

Peace...

Wordage x2...

I'm gettin re-reminded of just how much I used to FEEL def poetry/spoken word.

"sigh...(Runs to look up the ENTIRE DVD collection on Ebay...)

Peace

Wtf- ism.....of the Day.

This was my exact convo with my boy (ahem') Via text..

Him : Hey to you too...

Me: Um, Random....Hi how are u?

Him: chillin thanks for responding THIS TIME. You didnt reply to my forward

INSERT HERE :I don't do forwards, I think they're wack as hell. I stopped doing those in like 02'

Me: I was at work and I don't usually respond to forwards. You took that personal?

Him: Yeah but you couldve made an exception cuz it was me...

INSERT HERE: Exception to WHAT exactly...

Me: Well it was a FORWARD so I thought you sent that out to everyone not just me.

Him: I don't send messages out to everyone about huggin them...what I look like a bisexual?

INSERT HERE: MY blank stare... :-| and before I could text back...

Him: I'm NOT!!!

INSERT HERE:Whoa kimosabe...U sure abt that...Cuz I'm not all of a sudden *raised eyebrow*

Me: Umm....bisexual? No (not til now) I just didn't think I was the only girl you sent it to

Him: You my babygirl OK?

INSERT HERE: What just happened?...Something you wanna share my dude? Now this is when i ask myself WHY I'm even entertaining this madness...had to be due to IMMENSE boredom at work.

Me: ...uh...well sorry I didnt respond.

Now....WHEN exactly did dudes become this sensitive and butt-hurt acting?!

This shyt is Soooooooooooooooooooo not cute!

OK don't get me wrong, I love a man that can express himself properly when his emotions come into play. Be it through actions, or verbally. Nothing more attractive than a man that can EXPRESS how he feels about u.

But this shyt right here?! COME ON!!!!

SMDH. So after a little more back and forth random banter...

Me: Well I'm at work sooo...

Him: I would give u a nice body massage when u got home and a nice bubble bath. I would bathe you and put u in your night clothes on for my hard working queen

INSERT HERE :Me gaggin, cuz aside from that being all kinds of grammatically wrong, It was wack as hell...smh


ME: Awwww ( didn't know what the hell else to say to that)

Him: I like to see you smile. (Did I say I was smiling?)I remember your smile

Me: OK look at u tryin to make me blush... ( yeah i was bullshittin slightly, but so what? )

Him: Y would u say that?! y don't u think i care for you as much as I do?! y is that so hard for you to notice?!


INSERT HERE: Um...WHAT?! Wait...did he just come at me on some real emo shyt!? Is this what its all about now?!

Me: um...u ok? I was jokin...

Him: O, OK baby


INSERT HERE: Now this is just ONE convo I chose to share.But this madness has been QUITE common for 09'. So Color me confuzuled.


I've been encountering all kinds of madness when it comes to the gentlemen this year. And I'm not quite sure what is causing it. Venus in retrograde? Jupiter aligned with Mars? Some other such tom-foolery...Or just one big huge practical joke that EVERYONE but me is in on?

Guys...I love ya'll. I truly do. My closest friends in the world actually are guys ( aside from my mommy :). I'm a sap.)

Anyway...PULL YOUR PANTIES UP!! THIS SHYT ISN'T SEXY IN THE LEAST! Ya'll are coming off just a hair too bitchtastic for my taste...
....aaaaaaaaaaaaaand exhale...

I just had to vent and get that off my chest.

Peace!

Too Much or Not At All..

Crazy...but that in a nutshell I'm noticing is how I approach life. Be it love, money, success, etc etc...

If I want it/love it/need it...I've got tunnel vision...I go harder than hard. But just like that...When I feel all my efforts are for naught...You(it) can cease to exist to me ...just...thatquick!

Now don't get me wrong...I'm sure it sounds like bitchery on a smallish scale...It's not a conscious effort (I don't think). I just...stop caring...and when I stop caring...I can't (in most cases) reverse it.

I don't by any means think this is healthy or normal...and in certain cases the ping-pongery (que?) of it kinda makes me uneasy. My emotions are so shredded I'm pretty sure I'd make a therapist rich. But black ppl don't go to shrinks...(do we?)

I mean let me clarify...on something I take as seriously as the "L" word...It's not like...I love you today, and I hate you tomorrow...That would just make me bi-polar and probably a bit out of touch...i.e nuts.

But as someone who's a tad jaded in the love department...I can love you to death and still wish u the best but not want anything to do with u period.

A friend said to me today "I just want you to be good" ( as in OK), and my response was "me too".

Cuz I wish more than anything else that i was "good" or that it was just that simple. But really what ever is?

In a perfect world....(why did typing that just make me smirk?)
I used to be able to say "in a perfect world...blah blah blah..." But oddly nothing came to mind just now. (that's crazy)

But I feel like I'm straying from the point here. I feel like i have so much built up inside of me right now...anger, confusion, sadness, (ugh i sound so geigh!) And I've analyzed myself enough to know that it's from caring too much...abt ppl that can't/won't/don't know how to return the favor.

I have a HUGE heart ( a gift and a curse)...But certain ppl will always have a place in it...But when I feel like I've been played/wronged/taken for granted/or just flat out hurt...I'll love u forever, but you'll disappear to me. I don't hide, or change my number...i don't do anything blatant. I just limit our contact til there just is NO contact...and then just smile to myself when I get the out of the blue text "Why did we stop chillin, I miss u".

Can't be healthy...and i don't know when or how that became my way of handeling things. I don't even know what the remedy for this approach would be. Makes me come off real robotic and cold in a sense.

I can give u all I've got, open my chest up and lay my heart out there for u...Be the best friend in the world to u, be the chick you can't shake, cant forget, will always want...But the SECOND...I feel like you've done me dirty/wrong in any capacity...The second you take all that for granted...or assume I'm weak...

It's like the armor comes out...UNCONCIOUSLY...just like that I harden...(to that person, place or thing)

Now when I say this scares the crap out of me...smh.


Because I know myself well enough to know this "defense mechanism" won't last forever...When you harden like that and don't let hurt out...it builds, and builds, and builds....til u just SNAP!

See...I KNOW I'm gonna snap...just don't know, when...where, or what will cause it...

Just hoping when i do I'll be able to pick the pieces back up and put myself back together...

I almost feel like I need to wear a warning label for those closest to me...I love/care/give...TOO much...or not at ALL...

Your choice...

Deuces.

Untitled...

"Now you caught my heart for the evening...

Kissed my cheek , moved in...you've confused things.

Do I just sit back or come harder?

Help me find my way...."

Well Dang...is right. Guess I gotta giggle...Life funny funny funny to death...

Toodles.

It started of with a kiss...

Never expected this...And now I'm here copping with..My Addiciton. (He's My Addiciton)
"sigh...





It does all start with a kiss, amazing to me how much can be conveyed through a kiss. To me its much more intimate/personal than sex.






And to me..that's the first thing to go in a relationship. When u loose the kiss...it's time to sit up and take notice...




I"m a sucker for a good one, and there's so many components that make it...breath taking. But if your kiss can make my knees buckle, and my heart flutter you're pretty much good to go...

If I have any male followers that wanna comment on some of their tips, tricks, techniques, to makin a lady weak in her knees...I'd love to hear them.


Ladies if theres something a guy does that you know gets you everytime...let me know ;-)

Cuz to me the mark of a good kisser is one that knows a GOOD one involves more than just the kiss itself...The placement of the hands, the breathing, the strength of the grip, knowing when to let her, go and knowing when to pull her closer...yeah.





Got myself reminiscing now...

;-)

DEUCES!!

LOVE Love...

At first these two got the MEAN side eye from me...But I hate to admit it...They're growing on me.



Anyone who watched MTB saw the whole Dawn and Que thing unfold definitely thought it was a joke, a stunt, some TV b.s blah blah blah.



I can't lie...I'm surprised. They seem to be the real deal...




From his tatt of her name (like the location of that one) and her lips on his neck...


To her's on her wrist...(don't have a pic for that one)


To the candid pics, to the interviews, to their most recent intimate photo shoot with Derek Blanks...(which is actually pretty dope)














They say you can tell alot from the way a man look's at you...


They're def in love...(below Que's Global Grind Interview)

I figured I would get DAWN’s lips because she will be mine forever and I’m hers forever, so why not. It’s the best example of how honest I am in my relationship and about our love. Her lips and her name is an example to others that it’s OK to LOVE YOUR GIRL. It’s an example on how to be HONEST. I actually got her name when we started getting serious , so I had that way before the lips on my neck. I’m sure there will be more tattoos to come.

If you want to be a better person you have to “ be honest with yourself and it ‘s OK to be in love and be proud to love your girl”. You don’t have to cheat because people tell you it’s not cool to be with one person. If you’re happy, do you. When you love yourself others will see that in you and do the same. They have no choice but to respect it.

I like to be in my own world and express who I am. All my tattoos mean something to me and they all tie together in their own way. Some people get tattoos cause they look cool I get them because of my love for ART.



I'm all for Love...and I can't knock what they've found....Age diff, celeb status, whatever....They make me smile...



Peace...

Hump Day Post

Stolen Concept lol. I'm not one for the "Hump Day" posts...but today I felt like doin one for someone special...




Peace...