Man in the mirror...

Severe...seveeeeeere self examination coming on. I can feel it. We spend so much time spotting the "wrongery" running rampant online...feel some type of way about the things that come across our "timelines" daily...

Asking myself recently, why? What does it stem from? Why am I annoyed, irked, angered, or even in very rare occasions envious...why? So many "whys" crossing my mind...causing me to turn inside and check me out...dig deep and really SEE myself...deeper then the reflection in the mirror....

 

 

 

miss me a little when I'm gone...

I was talking to my boy the other night, about some things he's going through in his personal life...Some thoughts I can 100% relate to, I'm not gonna get into all that hes dealing with, but it struck a few chords with me, triggered a few thoughts...not that it ever takes much to get my mind spinning. Do you ever wonder if you were gone who would miss you...I'm not thinking morbidly. It's just a realistic question...how much of a mark have you left in the lives of those around you that your presence or lack there of would be notable.

 

I mean there's always the given, family, a handful of close friends...but sometimes I think...how much difference would my absence make? You might shed a tear or two but as life always does...it goes on. Hmmmm, there's so many people that I just can't wrap my head around being without, that if I lost them I don't know how I'd recover....so sometimes I can't help but wonder who sees me that way? How memorable am I? How much impact have I made? It's just food for thought. Everyone wants to feel like they've made/make a difference...and they say there are people who's lives you'll have touched that you'll never know how deeply...

 

Don't get me wrong...I don't want life to stop if I'm no longer here. I don't want people throwing themselves on my grave so to speak...I just can't help but wonder sometimes...who have I touched...and in what way, that me being absent going forward would notice the space I left? Just thoughts....

 

 

Nights like this...

It's a process...day by day, nights prove to be the hardest...too quiet, too many thoughts, toooo too many emotions.

 

Make it like....

 Poetry, poetry, poetry. Everything wrong you see make it alright..make it like...~ Tamia

 

Lost medium I believe, and I miss it so much. There once was a time where i'd get the most beautiful most heartfelt words ever inked. No by email, text, or any of that. But in his own writing. His penmanship that would demonstrate his love for me, his nerves visable in the letters and lines, inking something so personal with the intent of giving it away...with the intent of giving me a part of him on paper that I'd keep forever. .. I miss that deep down to the core of me. His words on paper were the most beautiful....the most expressive....I'd give anything....

 

But that's not what this post was supposed to be about....? Or was it...

But my favorite poet...Pablo Neruda, has been heavy on my mind recently...oh what it would feel like to open a letter again, see the beautiful words on the page in his writing...SEE his feelings for me wrapped in those words...hopeless romantic I am....total sucker for it. But the true romance...that passion, that sheer feeling and emotion...that seeing the actual writing knowing it was written with only YOU in mind can convey....god i miiiiiiiss it. I want to read something again that brings tears to my eyes, butterflies to my stomach, that feeling of my heart beating faster then slower then faster...from knowing not only that someone feels so strongly for me...but thought enough of me in this digital age to write. Write til his hand hurt, write with me filling his thoughts, so strong he can still smell me, taste me , feel me....and spill all that into the pages...that passion on paper. Leaving me his heart on the page. 

 

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” 
― Pablo Neruda

Words...his words...I miss them.

In an attempt to see ME clearer...

Figured I'd ramble about ME for a hot one. Maybe if I see it typed it it'll become clearer.

I'm hard on those I consider friends, but even harder on myself. Like if I call you MY friend I hold u in certain regard....once u let that down....*shrugs*, I think it's cause I hold MYSELF in such high regard, as I should( and so should you, don't give just anyone the privelages of callin u friend without earning that title) I don't have hundreds of friends...and I don't believe you do either...,if u have too many then you don't know what one really is...same goes with me loving you. If I say...or better yet SHOW you I ride for you, I'm down for u, call me when you need me, I support you, and I trust you, then don't ever again doubt that I do love you. I don't love easily but when I DO....I love haaaard. It's a bit of a flaw sometimes cause I canbe a bit possessive with those I love most.

I have a distinct jealous streak...I'm not specifically jealous in general...that streak comes few and far between, but when it strikes it's strong...I actuay dislike it alot. It's on my laundry list of things to work on inwardly...not the jealously cause I'm human, just in the ways I let it manifest. when I find that streak showing up I tend to distance myself from the person or situation causing it until I have a handle on myself again.

I can most definitely be a bitch and a half when I dislike you...and it's something that almost scares me about myself....I don't mean petty dislike...I mean the stuff that runs deep. Its a viciousness about me that I'm well aware of...I have been my whole life. I think I tend to keep my circle small more for the benefit of THEM, cause if for whatever reason you change our relationship to something negative, something ugly...I know where to cut you deepest...dangerous...and I don't like ever letting myself get to that place....thankfully when I feel it, I can force it back down in most cases, of just remove myself quickly enough that it won't happen. Rather walk away from you forever than say something I'm well aware can scar you permanently, or at least leave a very nasty bruise on your ego. Human nature is to hurt what hurts you...since I love so hard I hurt twice as hard...and that makes me want to hurt you....any way I can, it's very ugly but very true. Fortunately it's nothing I've had to deal with recently.

I can be borderline obnoxious when I want your attention and I feel I don't have it for whatever reason...it's low key obnoxious, but obnoxious non the less. Nothing short of embarrassing...lol, but it's another one of those...when I catch myself doing it, I pull aaaaaall the way back. Kinda reel myself in...put myself in a corner so to speak lol. I'm getting much muuuuuch better with that one though. Kinda learning that I don't need anyone that dosent need me...and this is strictly on a personal level...diff rules apply to business.

Gratuitous flirting is a new pet peeve of mine im becoming aware of...if ur flirt with me...and her, and her and her and her....then I'm slowly but surely gonna stop taking you serious. Especially under the guise of friendliness, networking, etc etc....i don't think people know the diff between the two anymore especially online. If we're doing business there's no need for a smiley, wink, etc etc to be anywhere in the convo...if its there then we've...or better yet YOU'VE left business behind.

People blur the lines way too much for me...sometimes I wanna remind them all....it's the Internet!! We can SEE YOU!! Stop.

I'm low key competitive...wether its your attention, a promotion, responsibility, friendship, I'm like me me mememe!!!! *hand waving in the air*.... Like give me the opportunity to be whatever it is you're needing me to be and watch me do it better than anyone else...crazy I know. But that's the point of this post...stripping myself bare.

I'm quite moody. I think that's partially because I'm so in my head...constantly thinking, feeling, analyzing, etc...that mixed in with constantly observing those around me...it can send my thoughts...and therefore my moods into a complete tailspin....I think I internalize things too much though. Cause at the end of all this....to know me you'd never know any of this....how's the poem start..."We wear the Mask" still one of my FAV poems to date...

That's all for now..