Man in the mirror...

Severe...seveeeeeere self examination coming on. I can feel it. We spend so much time spotting the "wrongery" running rampant online...feel some type of way about the things that come across our "timelines" daily...

Asking myself recently, why? What does it stem from? Why am I annoyed, irked, angered, or even in very rare occasions envious...why? So many "whys" crossing my mind...causing me to turn inside and check me out...dig deep and really SEE myself...deeper then the reflection in the mirror....

 

 

 

Untitled

A strong girl keeps her stuff in line-and with tears running she still manages to spit the simple words “I’m fine.”...

~unknown

White flag...

Ever have those "fuck it I don't care anymore" moments...I'm stuck in one now, and I feel like I'm gettin pulled deeper and deeper into that. I don't like it, I've been fighting it...but today...hopefully just today ....I don't have it in me. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs until I collapse from the sheer exhaustion alone...

I'm fighting to LIVE life the way it should be lived...obstacles come, they happen to everyone...but I'm getting to the point where I don't remember NOT fighting...weather it's money, travel, happiness, career...I'm tired. I'm tired of the constant uphill that my life has become over the past 5 years...I'm stronger than I ever knew I was, but I've gotten so tired of trying to be strong all the time, if I don't bend soon I'm going to break...this is the first time in a long time that just giving up has even been a thought for me.

Guess Im becoming aware of the fact that its a constant struggle...for me to be happy, thinking back I don't think it used to be. It's harder than anyone can imagine until they've felt it for themselves...to have that constant, struggle, constant aloneness...I think that's the one that's pulling at me...the alone....I ended up getting real emotional the other night...behind the simplest comment..."you look so happy in that pic" and I sat and looked at it...and he was right I did. But those kinds of pics, those moments...are so far between...it shook me a little. I don't have pics with that kind of happiness, laughter, etc...here. I flipped through my phone, through my galleries, none...mad me so sad ..."sigh. It feels like a losing battle,I'm exhausting so much energy and I'm not moving...and today...I'm tired...of everything.

 

It's never been me to just give up, it's never been me to just throw in the towel...tired of fighting to live my life, and just letting it live me...if that makes sense...I'm sad...as simple and as elementary as that sounds. Its most accurate. I'm sad...with moments of happiness thrown in, while for the rest of the world it's usually the other way around. Funny thing is I'm almost positive...NO ONE knows how deep it goes...my closest of close friends...my family...not a soul. I find myself looking in the mirror differently than I used to...I don't look at my face...I look at my eyes.

It's one of those cute cliche quote...the eyes are the windows...etc etc. I know how sad I really am down deep...sometimes I wonder if my eyes show that when you really look. I don't think so. Funny, he calls me bright eyes...has for years. I knew why originally. They don't look very bright to me anymore...makes me wonder what I look like to the rest of the world...

Content, pretty, happy, ... Goes to show, you never really know...

 

Truth.

 

 

Ache..

That dull aching that comes from missing...not just the person, but the things you associate with them. That easy affection, hand holding, hugs, quick kisses at red lights...just the nearness...of just being in the same room even when we're not touching each other....Talkin, laughing, tv...

 

Guess Im just in that place today...dealing with that dull ache. The need for that connection, and the understanding growing and changing but missing some of the initial innocence...those gestures that kept me up at night hugging my pillow and smiling...thinking and remembering...

 

Songs, movies, all kinds of things flip that switch...I love loving ....but when that ache is present , and the person isn't....I wish for an off switch. Guess I just miss him...

miss me a little when I'm gone...

I was talking to my boy the other night, about some things he's going through in his personal life...Some thoughts I can 100% relate to, I'm not gonna get into all that hes dealing with, but it struck a few chords with me, triggered a few thoughts...not that it ever takes much to get my mind spinning. Do you ever wonder if you were gone who would miss you...I'm not thinking morbidly. It's just a realistic question...how much of a mark have you left in the lives of those around you that your presence or lack there of would be notable.

 

I mean there's always the given, family, a handful of close friends...but sometimes I think...how much difference would my absence make? You might shed a tear or two but as life always does...it goes on. Hmmmm, there's so many people that I just can't wrap my head around being without, that if I lost them I don't know how I'd recover....so sometimes I can't help but wonder who sees me that way? How memorable am I? How much impact have I made? It's just food for thought. Everyone wants to feel like they've made/make a difference...and they say there are people who's lives you'll have touched that you'll never know how deeply...

 

Don't get me wrong...I don't want life to stop if I'm no longer here. I don't want people throwing themselves on my grave so to speak...I just can't help but wonder sometimes...who have I touched...and in what way, that me being absent going forward would notice the space I left? Just thoughts....

 

 

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In the silence of the city night

When the lonely watch the sky in yearning
I, at rest, lie in peace beside you
I searched a thousand skies before you came
And in the morning, when the world is new
The lonely turn away, as I turn to you, beside me
And in the quiet of the afternoon, when the lonely roam
I turn beside, and you are with me still
I roamed a thousand miles before you came...

 

Trying to find peace any way I can tonight....

 

Nights like this...

It's a process...day by day, nights prove to be the hardest...too quiet, too many thoughts, toooo too many emotions.

 

Definitions...

There is a huge difference between a woman that wants you and a woman that needs you...I have to learn to let certain notions go...

 

Aftermath...

The strange calmness that follows a storm...it's always been the most indescribable part of storms...the stillness after. I've felt so many things in such a short period of time...and I can't say that all is clear now, I'm still feeling....something....but I don't know what. Alongside that is the confusion...I guess I'm moving past it, it's they "whys" that still linger here and there. Not the obvious whys...although those are there too. I do wonder what made her decide to tell me...I do wonder why her...

 

Chalk it up to bad judgement? Moment(s) of weakness...human right? This is where the confusion creeps back in. And the "what if"'s....it's been a wave of thoughts...anger, hurt, more anger, more hurt....tears mixed in, the calm that follows with finally talking about it, recognizing the regret..understanding it was a mistake in the attempt to protect my feelings which I can understand ' that ever present want to protect me....to not hurt me. I love that so much about who he is to me. My eternal bodyguard, trying to protect my heart at all costs. So I can't imagine how he feels/felt knowing that backfired. That ever present want to protect me is what keeps me from being angry. I can't erase it but I think I can move past it.

 

Situations like these are why at this stage in my life titles don't matter to me. I've never referred to him as an ex, doubt I ever will. I can't call him mine...but my hearts tied to his indefinitely so call him what you want...no one will ever fully understand what "we" are...ourselves included. I've learned to be fine with that. What bothered me wasn't the act...she was so nonchalant about it...."sigh. But anyway, no it wasn't the act, it was the thought that could someone possibly have come between what he and I have. Someone that clearly didn't...think of him the way I do. I know from the conversation there's more she wanted to tell me, but I'm fine with leaving that where it is. Don't know if he will do the same, but if it's past let it be past...the only actions I can control are my own though...

 

My mind wanders too much for my own good, so I'm trying not to compare...trying to not think of how he is with me...and inserting her into that role...that's the part that shakes me slightly still, even after the calm. Maybe that's part of what I'm feeling that I can't put into words. I'm not sure. One step at a time. We spoke. We are good. The rest will come with time. Now when I catch my mind wandering I snap myself out of it quickly...your own thoughts can be your worst enemy sometimes...All boils down to openness, and communication...it's progress. Maybe it was for a reason...I mean isn't everything....?

 

Make it like....

 Poetry, poetry, poetry. Everything wrong you see make it alright..make it like...~ Tamia

 

Lost medium I believe, and I miss it so much. There once was a time where i'd get the most beautiful most heartfelt words ever inked. No by email, text, or any of that. But in his own writing. His penmanship that would demonstrate his love for me, his nerves visable in the letters and lines, inking something so personal with the intent of giving it away...with the intent of giving me a part of him on paper that I'd keep forever. .. I miss that deep down to the core of me. His words on paper were the most beautiful....the most expressive....I'd give anything....

 

But that's not what this post was supposed to be about....? Or was it...

But my favorite poet...Pablo Neruda, has been heavy on my mind recently...oh what it would feel like to open a letter again, see the beautiful words on the page in his writing...SEE his feelings for me wrapped in those words...hopeless romantic I am....total sucker for it. But the true romance...that passion, that sheer feeling and emotion...that seeing the actual writing knowing it was written with only YOU in mind can convey....god i miiiiiiiss it. I want to read something again that brings tears to my eyes, butterflies to my stomach, that feeling of my heart beating faster then slower then faster...from knowing not only that someone feels so strongly for me...but thought enough of me in this digital age to write. Write til his hand hurt, write with me filling his thoughts, so strong he can still smell me, taste me , feel me....and spill all that into the pages...that passion on paper. Leaving me his heart on the page. 

 

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” 
― Pablo Neruda

Words...his words...I miss them.

When the last time...

I'm sure everyone has made someone proud in their lives at some point right? Be it academically, career wise, personal decision....but it's jarring to realize you can't remember hearing that...ever. Im not gonna disclose too much family info on here, but I've been trying to self diagnose....or at least figure myself out better. Single mom, 2 kids...dad, doin him. Sounds too typical right, but I never wanted for anything...if I didn't have anything I needed I couldn't name it....but there's nothing like seeing someone proud of u, their eyes shining with admiration...smiles, love, I've been that proud before and I always try to let it be known....I'm proud of u, what you've done, how hard you work, you've come from....

What am I doing, or have I done to make anyone proud? I'm not about to post my resume and accomplishments...but things like this shape your image of yourself...I've graduated, gone to college, have a career I enjoy, never went to jail, or got knocked up young....stayed under the radar enough to almost go unnoticed I guess...maybe that's what was wrong...maybe it's knowing people that have done such huge things while I'm just here being me...and that's not very noteworthy in a world full of so many people doing...what to me seems like so much more...I'm not comparing myself, or at least not trying to....but it chilled me to sut here today and realize I have no idea the last time if EVER I've made someone proud....fighting back tears at this thought. I swear my blog won't stay this depressing...it's just serving as my haven right now..gotta stay smiling for the rest of the world. Just trying to figure out what happens when just being you....isn't really enough.

Widening the gap....

It feels like you're trying to stop a train with your bare hands...I mean imagine jumping on then tracks at 59th street trying to command the A to slow down....or just flat-out stop. You're either going to get run over or dragged along under it, but either way you're gonna die trying...

That's a bit dramatic, but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. When you love someone so much, and they've been a part of your life for so long, but all you feel is distance growing sprinkled with a close moment here and there what do you do? Try to fill your hands with water...I mean fill them and hold it. You can't...you're just left with wet hands...evidence that it was there but it's still gone. To be fair I am going through some communication pet peeves...the Internet is starting to rub me the wrong way, as a whole...( I say this as I'm typing a damn blog...shut up) but I miss REAL communication, but understand that it's all about convenience now...so a text/ bbm/email is sometimes more realistic than a phone call...but since when have I been a realist? I'd rather be inconvenienced by a phone call than feel like I'm losing someone that I wouldn't be me without...true when I lived in NY it was a lot easier to grab some free moments to take a walk and talk, to hang out and whoever's house and watch tv...but does that mean thats it's not possible to keep that closeness just cause we're no longer in close proximity? You cant have close friends(?) unless you guys live a commute from each other? That's such a sad thought...actually brings tears to my eyes, but thats not saying much since I've been overly emotional as a whole for over a month now...but I digress.

My question...is what do I do? How do I stop this? Can I reverse it? Lose the metaphoric "gap" quickly widening between us...or just remember what was, smile at the memories and accept is as life....? Ugh that last one dosent even sound halfway right, I'm the QUEEN of letting people walk away that brought nothing to my life...and if this was just anyone, this post wouldn't even be happening....but to be honest I can't imagine no him in my life...can't even wrap my mind around the fact that "we" might be a permanently past tense thing.

Not to be too much of an idealist but this...funk I've been in has me reexamining life and realizing before you know it it's gone...people...opportunities...it's a scary thought. When the pace and "convenience" of communication slows down long enough for you to step back and take a look, what are you really left with? Shell of something that was once such a...HUGE part of your life....your heart...

I'm depressing myself...but how many ways can you say I miss you? I miss us? Before you just sound repetitive? If I lose him I've lost a part of me, that simple.

Lost Among the lights....

.....blowing the dust off the cover, haven't been here in a while...and I'm pretty sure no one reads this anymore...but maybe that's what I needed.


I'm home again, NY NY .... Home....is such a weird word to me know. NY is buried deep in my heart and it's what makes me me, so it is and will always be my home. But what happens when you go home....and feel lost...not physically lost like can't find your way around lost, but lost like....where do I belong lost. the hustle and pace of the city is what I love about it so so much, but at the same time it can make you feel quite....insignificant. Lost among the pace, the faces, the speed, the lights...I've never felt so disconnected to that and those that I love so much ever before in my life and it's a jarring feeling....so jarring that I'm in the city that holds my heart and I'm crying now more than I have in months. Scary as shit. For real. Ny'ers are a rare breed....I pride myself on being one. That ability to just fall in line with the melee. I think I can for the first time in 32 years fully grasp what it means to feel alone in a room full of people. I'm in a city of millions....and I can't remember the last time I felt this completely alone.....well correction lonely. Cabbin it back to my room last night was the first time the lights of manhattan made me feel anything less than happiness, excitement, nostalgia , for the first time I felt...slightly sad.....I'm a loner by nature,..I love and hate that about myself all at once...but feeling LONLEY....yeah no good. Maybe the me that lived here 5 years ago and the me thats evolved and grown .... Feel displaced here now,.easy to feel small in a city so big, I dunno, I'm over thinking maybe, I'm just venting...and there is no end or conclusion to this piece....this is just me getting some stuff out, better out than in right?

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn...

Peace.

Double or Nothing...

Earth shaking when you realize you've lost your chance huh? Life lesson's learned I guess...but it stings no less...

Double or Nothing...





Gotta love happy endings...Even when they aren't your own...(just wish it didn't sting so bad...)

You ever get so full of emotion, so full of living,so full of what you're, feeling, seeing, hearing, you want to cry ...

It's almost overwhelming to be able to FEEL like that, it's a blessing and a curse for me....

But today I'm definitely feeling the blessing end of it...reminds me that no matter what my hearts still beating,I'm still alive, still feeling...

Might not make sense...but maybe it's not supposed to...

2 Tears...

(if you can't read all of it just click on it)


Never thought of it that way...

4 Letter word...

Fuck Love...

I say fuck love, this made up , trumped up
overly exaggerated grand emotion that we search our entire lives for in vain,
This bullshit hallmark card, valentine day, book writing, movie motivating ass emotion...

Love ain't SHIT!
this cold, callous ass emotion that is allegedly everywhere, but impossible to locate?
Man, fuck that!

Why doesn't love look for me???

Well fuck love cuz love don't love nobody,
which is why love is pain,
Thus intertwined in hate.

In love on Monday,
Fuck that nigga on Sunday.

Ive seen people in love one day,
and spiteful the next day..
no the next hour, no wait the next minute!

Fall in love to fall out of love!?!?!?

I'd rather you kill me, my family, and my closest friends,
But DO NOT make me fall in love with you,

So we can pass hugs and kisses,

Make love at night,

In the twilight,

Under the starlight,

WELL NOT THIS NIGHT!!!

You ain't about to get me glaze eyed,

Heart open,

"I think i wanna marry him"

Then fuck my girl, or my friend or even worse... my enemy

Behind my back,

Fuck that!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck this poem!!!

And most definitely Fuck Love!


OK I didn't write this and I'm not sure who did otherwise I'd credit the author directly...I'm not anti love at all...I'm the epitome of a hopeless romantic...But everyone has had one of these days, weeks, months where this poem...say it ALL! (I'm not sayin I'm there...But i know sometimes it fits...so i felt like sharing...)


Yeah...

Peace.

Mommy...

I speak to my mom daily...

She called me today when I got off work to tell me she just felt like hearing my voice...

So me being the cheeseball that i am...I was like "Awwww, isn't that special"

So she says (totally serious...) "You are special...more special than you know"

And even as I'm typin this I'm tearing up...My relationship with my mom is very unique...But that's for another post.

Funny how things like that can make your whole year...The older I get the more I grow to truly appreciate my mommy.

I'm blessed enough to have alot of people in my life that truly do love me...But nothing has ever and will ever compare to the way my mom can and does.


I Love her...Just felt like sharing that.