Saw this somewhere...

"My father broke my heart long before any boy had a chance to."

Saw this line somewhere....was sad to me cause it was true.

....

If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy,
The only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.

~ C.S Lewis

If...

And if I'm never able to call him mine again, I still couldn't possibly love him any less...and that's 100% real.

When the last time...

I'm sure everyone has made someone proud in their lives at some point right? Be it academically, career wise, personal decision....but it's jarring to realize you can't remember hearing that...ever. Im not gonna disclose too much family info on here, but I've been trying to self diagnose....or at least figure myself out better. Single mom, 2 kids...dad, doin him. Sounds too typical right, but I never wanted for anything...if I didn't have anything I needed I couldn't name it....but there's nothing like seeing someone proud of u, their eyes shining with admiration...smiles, love, I've been that proud before and I always try to let it be known....I'm proud of u, what you've done, how hard you work, you've come from....

What am I doing, or have I done to make anyone proud? I'm not about to post my resume and accomplishments...but things like this shape your image of yourself...I've graduated, gone to college, have a career I enjoy, never went to jail, or got knocked up young....stayed under the radar enough to almost go unnoticed I guess...maybe that's what was wrong...maybe it's knowing people that have done such huge things while I'm just here being me...and that's not very noteworthy in a world full of so many people doing...what to me seems like so much more...I'm not comparing myself, or at least not trying to....but it chilled me to sut here today and realize I have no idea the last time if EVER I've made someone proud....fighting back tears at this thought. I swear my blog won't stay this depressing...it's just serving as my haven right now..gotta stay smiling for the rest of the world. Just trying to figure out what happens when just being you....isn't really enough.

Widening the gap....

It feels like you're trying to stop a train with your bare hands...I mean imagine jumping on then tracks at 59th street trying to command the A to slow down....or just flat-out stop. You're either going to get run over or dragged along under it, but either way you're gonna die trying...

That's a bit dramatic, but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. When you love someone so much, and they've been a part of your life for so long, but all you feel is distance growing sprinkled with a close moment here and there what do you do? Try to fill your hands with water...I mean fill them and hold it. You can't...you're just left with wet hands...evidence that it was there but it's still gone. To be fair I am going through some communication pet peeves...the Internet is starting to rub me the wrong way, as a whole...( I say this as I'm typing a damn blog...shut up) but I miss REAL communication, but understand that it's all about convenience now...so a text/ bbm/email is sometimes more realistic than a phone call...but since when have I been a realist? I'd rather be inconvenienced by a phone call than feel like I'm losing someone that I wouldn't be me without...true when I lived in NY it was a lot easier to grab some free moments to take a walk and talk, to hang out and whoever's house and watch tv...but does that mean thats it's not possible to keep that closeness just cause we're no longer in close proximity? You cant have close friends(?) unless you guys live a commute from each other? That's such a sad thought...actually brings tears to my eyes, but thats not saying much since I've been overly emotional as a whole for over a month now...but I digress.

My question...is what do I do? How do I stop this? Can I reverse it? Lose the metaphoric "gap" quickly widening between us...or just remember what was, smile at the memories and accept is as life....? Ugh that last one dosent even sound halfway right, I'm the QUEEN of letting people walk away that brought nothing to my life...and if this was just anyone, this post wouldn't even be happening....but to be honest I can't imagine no him in my life...can't even wrap my mind around the fact that "we" might be a permanently past tense thing.

Not to be too much of an idealist but this...funk I've been in has me reexamining life and realizing before you know it it's gone...people...opportunities...it's a scary thought. When the pace and "convenience" of communication slows down long enough for you to step back and take a look, what are you really left with? Shell of something that was once such a...HUGE part of your life....your heart...

I'm depressing myself...but how many ways can you say I miss you? I miss us? Before you just sound repetitive? If I lose him I've lost a part of me, that simple.