miss me a little when I'm gone...

I was talking to my boy the other night, about some things he's going through in his personal life...Some thoughts I can 100% relate to, I'm not gonna get into all that hes dealing with, but it struck a few chords with me, triggered a few thoughts...not that it ever takes much to get my mind spinning. Do you ever wonder if you were gone who would miss you...I'm not thinking morbidly. It's just a realistic question...how much of a mark have you left in the lives of those around you that your presence or lack there of would be notable.

 

I mean there's always the given, family, a handful of close friends...but sometimes I think...how much difference would my absence make? You might shed a tear or two but as life always does...it goes on. Hmmmm, there's so many people that I just can't wrap my head around being without, that if I lost them I don't know how I'd recover....so sometimes I can't help but wonder who sees me that way? How memorable am I? How much impact have I made? It's just food for thought. Everyone wants to feel like they've made/make a difference...and they say there are people who's lives you'll have touched that you'll never know how deeply...

 

Don't get me wrong...I don't want life to stop if I'm no longer here. I don't want people throwing themselves on my grave so to speak...I just can't help but wonder sometimes...who have I touched...and in what way, that me being absent going forward would notice the space I left? Just thoughts....

 

 

Untitled

In the silence of the city night

When the lonely watch the sky in yearning
I, at rest, lie in peace beside you
I searched a thousand skies before you came
And in the morning, when the world is new
The lonely turn away, as I turn to you, beside me
And in the quiet of the afternoon, when the lonely roam
I turn beside, and you are with me still
I roamed a thousand miles before you came...

 

Trying to find peace any way I can tonight....

 

Nights like this...

It's a process...day by day, nights prove to be the hardest...too quiet, too many thoughts, toooo too many emotions.

 

Definitions...

There is a huge difference between a woman that wants you and a woman that needs you...I have to learn to let certain notions go...

 

Aftermath...

The strange calmness that follows a storm...it's always been the most indescribable part of storms...the stillness after. I've felt so many things in such a short period of time...and I can't say that all is clear now, I'm still feeling....something....but I don't know what. Alongside that is the confusion...I guess I'm moving past it, it's they "whys" that still linger here and there. Not the obvious whys...although those are there too. I do wonder what made her decide to tell me...I do wonder why her...

 

Chalk it up to bad judgement? Moment(s) of weakness...human right? This is where the confusion creeps back in. And the "what if"'s....it's been a wave of thoughts...anger, hurt, more anger, more hurt....tears mixed in, the calm that follows with finally talking about it, recognizing the regret..understanding it was a mistake in the attempt to protect my feelings which I can understand ' that ever present want to protect me....to not hurt me. I love that so much about who he is to me. My eternal bodyguard, trying to protect my heart at all costs. So I can't imagine how he feels/felt knowing that backfired. That ever present want to protect me is what keeps me from being angry. I can't erase it but I think I can move past it.

 

Situations like these are why at this stage in my life titles don't matter to me. I've never referred to him as an ex, doubt I ever will. I can't call him mine...but my hearts tied to his indefinitely so call him what you want...no one will ever fully understand what "we" are...ourselves included. I've learned to be fine with that. What bothered me wasn't the act...she was so nonchalant about it...."sigh. But anyway, no it wasn't the act, it was the thought that could someone possibly have come between what he and I have. Someone that clearly didn't...think of him the way I do. I know from the conversation there's more she wanted to tell me, but I'm fine with leaving that where it is. Don't know if he will do the same, but if it's past let it be past...the only actions I can control are my own though...

 

My mind wanders too much for my own good, so I'm trying not to compare...trying to not think of how he is with me...and inserting her into that role...that's the part that shakes me slightly still, even after the calm. Maybe that's part of what I'm feeling that I can't put into words. I'm not sure. One step at a time. We spoke. We are good. The rest will come with time. Now when I catch my mind wandering I snap myself out of it quickly...your own thoughts can be your worst enemy sometimes...All boils down to openness, and communication...it's progress. Maybe it was for a reason...I mean isn't everything....?

 

Trying..

To put what I'm feeling into words but having the hardest time ever. I'm just gonna type cause I don't know what else to do. My heart physically hurts, literal pain. So many thoughts in my head and I'm trying so hard to just shake this uneasy feeling off. I let myself get SO caught up in wanting someone that I could tell didn't want me the same way...fooling myself into thinking something was better than nothing at all. Fool. Fool has been stuck deep in my thoughts repeating over and over for the past 24 hours. I think that's what hurts more. I feel like I compromised so much of what I am for one person. So muuuch I was normally against, uncomfortable with...I did. All because...I mean I wanted to because I loved....hard. Wanted so badly.

 

Pics, vids...the way we spoke...I thought all that was reserved for me...now, not so much. And then the questions in my head that are swirling that I don't want answered. Did you kiss her like you kiss me? Touch her like you touch me? Make her feel what I felt? All that stuff I thought made me and you...this undefined "us" thing...different....exclusive....special.

 

But on another level it's the lie that sticks out at me. I can't put that part into words. And to receive that information so nonchalantly...so casually...so conversationally...just shows me she dosent/didn't care the way I do/did. But she was worth the lie...from someone I'd have put my life on never telling me anything less than the truth. Someone die hard loyal to me...THAT burns..like you wouldn't believe. And after all that pain, confusion, and tears...numbness is what's left. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what move to make. Do I just carry on like it's all good when inside I'm anything but? I'm supposed to just say hey, how was you day through tears? Do I just go back to hanging out like we're just cool...like....HOW? How do I do that? Then of course the doubts follow, in the back of my head what else don't I know? Who else was there?

 

Fool. There goes that word. While like an ass I'm missing him so much it hurts, well that hurts been replaced. Different kind. I'm writing poems, taking pics. Fool. Calling, emailing, texting. Fool. Fool fool fool....bedroom full of stuff he gave me. Made me feel good being able to see it around me knowing I'm far...fool. My circle is so small...so so small. To know I may have lost one of the closest....10+ years deep. It's a haze...I'm just..numb. Like things are just happening around me now...and Im not even sure he's affected....not that I need him to be. I been still all day. Been still since that message was sent to me. Just been...still. Faking a smile that dosent make it to my eyes...cause those are still wet. Those are still crying.

 

I thought this chapter of my life had ended. That whole heavy heartache chapter. I've felt this before, I know it's temporary. But I figured I'd outgrown it...and the people that made it this far in my life were solid and here for a reason. Those left wouldn't ...couldn't....like I wouldn't associate hurt with them. Guess you can never know for sure. Thing is I'm not mad, initially I was mad...physically...uncontrollably shaking...scared the shit out of me to feel my body shaking like that. To have that strong a reaction...but I'm not mad now. This hurt runs deep thought...like I'm scared. I lost something in me somewhere in the last 24 hours...lost something...that I can't put a finger on, and it scares me....I'm scared to death of losing faith, being jaded, getting used to hurt....I don't want to be that person. My foundation has been shaken to the core though...knocked me off balance and I'm not sure what to do to recover and regain steady footing. So much I wanted to do...

It helps slightly to get it out of my head...slightly,...still processing, still hurt,...still confused...still....just still.

 

Untitled

 

 

And again..."sigh.

 

Dead

"we've fucked before" shortest most jarring DM I've ever gotten...my hands are shaking, but it all makes sense now. Got it, I guess. It hurts...and I haven't cried in forever...

That makes me a fool...but not anymore.

Life..is..

 So long

So short 

So painful

So beautiful

So tiring

So peaceful

So draining...

I've felt so many emotions, highs and lows, tears, anger, laugher, excitement...all in the course of one of the longest weeks of my life this week. It's amazing...full moon I guess. The beauty of living and being is how alive it can make you feel. You become so much more aware when you're feeling so much....I'm always been in control of my emotions and having them swirling all over as they have been recently, both good and bad with the normal peaks and valleys although making me feel alive...with tomorrow being Sunday the end of this long week....I feel so drained...like limp. If I feel one more emotion I may short circuit. like if you turn too many appliances on in your apartment you may blow a fuse. It's not good or bad...this drained feeling. It's just...natural overload. At least that's what I'm telling myself....I need....to just be...and to stop feeling for a little while....

My main flaw is I feel too much...that may sound weird. But for me, feeling>>>thinking>>>actions>>>feelings>>>thinking.... It's ongoing. I feel, then think, then act, then feel some more, then think some more....gotta figure out how to stop the train....I want to get off for a little while....just to rewire. Just for a little while...

SMMFH...

 Ever feel like you've been played? That shit hurts like a blow to the chest, and stings like hot needles all at the same time. I'm so angry my eyes are burning...vision blurry. Mad at myself that's the crazy part...cause I should've known better. Bent rules...all kinda of bullshit. So in actuality...I played myself...that's what burns most of all. Walls going back up, cause I haven't felt this kind of burn in years and I didn't miss it. From a most unexpected source too...blindsided. Lesson learned though...there's always a lesson right? Or is that just what we tell ourselves to make it hurt a little less...? I feel like screaming til my lungs collapse....dead ass.