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A strong girl keeps her stuff in line-and with tears running she still manages to spit the simple words “I’m fine.”...

~unknown

White flag...

Ever have those "fuck it I don't care anymore" moments...I'm stuck in one now, and I feel like I'm gettin pulled deeper and deeper into that. I don't like it, I've been fighting it...but today...hopefully just today ....I don't have it in me. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs until I collapse from the sheer exhaustion alone...

I'm fighting to LIVE life the way it should be lived...obstacles come, they happen to everyone...but I'm getting to the point where I don't remember NOT fighting...weather it's money, travel, happiness, career...I'm tired. I'm tired of the constant uphill that my life has become over the past 5 years...I'm stronger than I ever knew I was, but I've gotten so tired of trying to be strong all the time, if I don't bend soon I'm going to break...this is the first time in a long time that just giving up has even been a thought for me.

Guess Im becoming aware of the fact that its a constant struggle...for me to be happy, thinking back I don't think it used to be. It's harder than anyone can imagine until they've felt it for themselves...to have that constant, struggle, constant aloneness...I think that's the one that's pulling at me...the alone....I ended up getting real emotional the other night...behind the simplest comment..."you look so happy in that pic" and I sat and looked at it...and he was right I did. But those kinds of pics, those moments...are so far between...it shook me a little. I don't have pics with that kind of happiness, laughter, etc...here. I flipped through my phone, through my galleries, none...mad me so sad ..."sigh. It feels like a losing battle,I'm exhausting so much energy and I'm not moving...and today...I'm tired...of everything.

 

It's never been me to just give up, it's never been me to just throw in the towel...tired of fighting to live my life, and just letting it live me...if that makes sense...I'm sad...as simple and as elementary as that sounds. Its most accurate. I'm sad...with moments of happiness thrown in, while for the rest of the world it's usually the other way around. Funny thing is I'm almost positive...NO ONE knows how deep it goes...my closest of close friends...my family...not a soul. I find myself looking in the mirror differently than I used to...I don't look at my face...I look at my eyes.

It's one of those cute cliche quote...the eyes are the windows...etc etc. I know how sad I really am down deep...sometimes I wonder if my eyes show that when you really look. I don't think so. Funny, he calls me bright eyes...has for years. I knew why originally. They don't look very bright to me anymore...makes me wonder what I look like to the rest of the world...

Content, pretty, happy, ... Goes to show, you never really know...

 

Truth.

 

 

Ache..

That dull aching that comes from missing...not just the person, but the things you associate with them. That easy affection, hand holding, hugs, quick kisses at red lights...just the nearness...of just being in the same room even when we're not touching each other....Talkin, laughing, tv...

 

Guess Im just in that place today...dealing with that dull ache. The need for that connection, and the understanding growing and changing but missing some of the initial innocence...those gestures that kept me up at night hugging my pillow and smiling...thinking and remembering...

 

Songs, movies, all kinds of things flip that switch...I love loving ....but when that ache is present , and the person isn't....I wish for an off switch. Guess I just miss him...

How does it feel...

 

Keep humming that D'angelo song as I try to find the words...to descibe how it feels....the in,the out, the faster, then slower, the wetness, the friction, ....I've never been one to "kiss & tell" but I'm always up for a challenge...

Being descriptive ... That I can do. It's all about the build up though, and we..( he and I) are excellent at the build up..We set a damn good scene, I think that's what makes the chemistry between us solid...

 

That kisses,the breathing, the hands...the heart rate. By the time I get to feel his skin on mine I'm ready to explode right there. That gasp..upon him sliding in is the moment I live for....reminisce about.

 

Now words, just breathing, no clothes, just sheets, him hovering over me feeling the weight of his body pinning mine down and I can feel him against my thighs...the throbbing, the heat...and by the time he's that close I'm soaked...I feel the head first and I always gasp and shiver just a little, mainly from anticipation cause I know him, the way he fits me like the back of my hand. I love that. I know the size, the shape, the way it fits in my palm...(or mouth). I run my fingers over it first, always have to...something about how hard, smooth and warm he is...i have to trace the head with my fingers..always have to. I know his taste, the scent of his skin....He fills me up. Initially..always gradual. He likes to tease me, build that anticipation..til I grab it myself and slide it in. Always a little resistance, I'm always kinda tight but I love that...him having to ease his way in....almost force his way in. That resistance, that tightness allows me to feel every inch of him. I can feel him throbbing and I always try to grip back for every throb I feel. I almost don't want to be as wet sometimes...so I can feeeeel more. That must sound crazy, but it's true...the more friction...feeling him grazing my walls is nothing short of euphoric. The friction of his skin inside me....the rubbing, pulling, the heat mixed with the wetness of it all is like no other feeling. Once past the initial strokes, he gets so deep. Hits walls I didn't know I had...reaches the back and still somehow goes deeper. Almost like he grows to fit me once he's inside cause once he is there's not an inch of space he dosent fill.

The veins that become visible the harder he gets...I swear I can even feel those once he's inside me. I'd keep him there hours at a time if I could...there's no one metaphor that can do that feeling justice...looks like I'm needing...him again...after all this description...(and again, and again, and again....)

Hope that was descriptive enough....

 

 

 

To you...with love.

No stranger to my posts both directly and indirectly. I debated on even doing a post...then debated on what I'd want it to say....debated on keeping it simple...debating on going deep. Came to the conclusion ...of just going with my heart. In 32 years it hasn't failed me in the areas that matter most. We're in a ...delicate...sensitive space right now....in my opinion at least. I'm kinda just feeling my way along, but this post isn't about that. This is to say...how much I love, adore, value, and cherish the person you've proven to be in my life....on the day that celebrates the start of yours....You told me just recently you'd lay down your life for mine without hesitation...and although that wasn't new to me hearing it from you...this time it resonated...this time....for lack of wording....I believed it. You'll never in this lifetime understand what your existence means to me. I'll never possess the words strong enough, if they even exist. Which is why your birthday means so much to me. That might sounds crazy...but I'm miles past worrying about what I sound like...you always seem to understand anyway. So from the very bottom of my heart, with all the love I have....Happy Birthday to you. In the simplest and most direct term...I love you. I wouldn't be me without you. HUGE part of my life and one of my very best friends ever. Seen me through soooo much, laughter, tears, fear, anger, I could go on...but there's no need. You get it. Distance has made zero difference in what we are...beautifully undefinable. My eternal bodyguard. I've always been of the belief that people don't enter your life by accident...there is always a reason. They are either there for a season or for a lifetime...at this stage in the game I feel safe in saying your place in mine is for a lifetime...Happy Birthday to you Jay, from the bottom of my heart, and with all my love.