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What I thought was disappointment is manifesting itself as flat out anger...all while the gap is widening. So what do u say when you don't know what else to say...or do for that matter....

 

You say nothing.

 

Wondering why....sometimes.

You ever wonder...sometimes watching those around you...weather you know them personally or not....Why God just "sees it" for some people and not necessarily for others...or correction...not in the same ways...

 

Everyone isn't destined to live lavishly...people have callings, I get that. I know what God has for me is for ME and it may not be whats meant for someone else and vice vera...But I can't help but wonder...with no jealousy lacing it...WHY him/her...but not me ... (yet). I've got such a dynamic circle...it's very small. But as I get older and wiser I much prefer it that way more often that not...I've got friends on their grind, I don't have a lazy bunch around me. Just can't help but wonder sometimes...am i not grindingnhard enough? Am i missing something somewhere? was I not destined for that life? If no....then why not? I know better than to question God and the way he moves so I'm just gonna call this me thinking outloud...

I see the pics, the cars, the trips, the obvious success and money flowing...and for them...I'm happy. 100% happy to see those I love happy, but wondering...when's it my turn? Do I get to go shopping just because, get the house, the closets, the car, the LIFE....that you only read about or see on tv but don't think real life people outside of celebrities live it? Don't get me wrong, it's really not about the material , although I'm not gonna lie like some of that isn't cool as hell to have...it's about living the life of less worries. Your bills are paid, nothing's getting cut off, no need to call and make payment arrangements, no juggling, being able to take care of those around you..that life of comfort and security...it almost seems unreal sometimes...but it's so very not.

Everything has a season, all in due time. I'm very VERY thankful for all I have, and how far I've come, But I guess...when I'm juggling struggles every now and then...I just can't help but wonder...when's it my turn...?

 

 

Hello..

...the way that you protect your friends

Baby, I respect you for that

And when you grow, you take everyone you love along,

I love that shit.

...don't fly me away

Don't need to buy a diamond key to unlock my heart
You shelter my soul
You're my fire when I'm cold
I want you to know

You had me at hello
Hello
Hello
You had me at hello
Hello
Hello
It was many years ago
Baby when you
Stole my cool
Cause you had me at hello...

Gotta feel you and be near you
You're the air that I breathe to survive
Gotta hold you, wanna show you
That without you my sun doesn't shine
You don't have to try so hard for me to love you
Boy, without you my life just ain't the same
You don't have to try so hard for me to love you
You had me at hello....

Still one of my all time faves by Mrs. Beyonce' Giselle Knowles-Carter...so relevant sometimes...just the kinda zone I'm in today....

Love...real, raw love....there's nothing like it.

 

 

Man in the mirror...

Severe...seveeeeeere self examination coming on. I can feel it. We spend so much time spotting the "wrongery" running rampant online...feel some type of way about the things that come across our "timelines" daily...

Asking myself recently, why? What does it stem from? Why am I annoyed, irked, angered, or even in very rare occasions envious...why? So many "whys" crossing my mind...causing me to turn inside and check me out...dig deep and really SEE myself...deeper then the reflection in the mirror....

 

 

 

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A strong girl keeps her stuff in line-and with tears running she still manages to spit the simple words “I’m fine.”...

~unknown

White flag...

Ever have those "fuck it I don't care anymore" moments...I'm stuck in one now, and I feel like I'm gettin pulled deeper and deeper into that. I don't like it, I've been fighting it...but today...hopefully just today ....I don't have it in me. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs until I collapse from the sheer exhaustion alone...

I'm fighting to LIVE life the way it should be lived...obstacles come, they happen to everyone...but I'm getting to the point where I don't remember NOT fighting...weather it's money, travel, happiness, career...I'm tired. I'm tired of the constant uphill that my life has become over the past 5 years...I'm stronger than I ever knew I was, but I've gotten so tired of trying to be strong all the time, if I don't bend soon I'm going to break...this is the first time in a long time that just giving up has even been a thought for me.

Guess Im becoming aware of the fact that its a constant struggle...for me to be happy, thinking back I don't think it used to be. It's harder than anyone can imagine until they've felt it for themselves...to have that constant, struggle, constant aloneness...I think that's the one that's pulling at me...the alone....I ended up getting real emotional the other night...behind the simplest comment..."you look so happy in that pic" and I sat and looked at it...and he was right I did. But those kinds of pics, those moments...are so far between...it shook me a little. I don't have pics with that kind of happiness, laughter, etc...here. I flipped through my phone, through my galleries, none...mad me so sad ..."sigh. It feels like a losing battle,I'm exhausting so much energy and I'm not moving...and today...I'm tired...of everything.

 

It's never been me to just give up, it's never been me to just throw in the towel...tired of fighting to live my life, and just letting it live me...if that makes sense...I'm sad...as simple and as elementary as that sounds. Its most accurate. I'm sad...with moments of happiness thrown in, while for the rest of the world it's usually the other way around. Funny thing is I'm almost positive...NO ONE knows how deep it goes...my closest of close friends...my family...not a soul. I find myself looking in the mirror differently than I used to...I don't look at my face...I look at my eyes.

It's one of those cute cliche quote...the eyes are the windows...etc etc. I know how sad I really am down deep...sometimes I wonder if my eyes show that when you really look. I don't think so. Funny, he calls me bright eyes...has for years. I knew why originally. They don't look very bright to me anymore...makes me wonder what I look like to the rest of the world...

Content, pretty, happy, ... Goes to show, you never really know...

 

Truth.