Crazy...but that in a nutshell I'm noticing is how I approach life. Be it love, money, success, etc etc...
If I want it/love it/need it...I've got tunnel vision...I go harder than hard. But just like that...When I feel all my efforts are for naught...You(it) can cease to exist to me ...just...thatquick!
Now don't get me wrong...I'm sure it sounds like bitchery on a smallish scale...It's not a conscious effort (I don't think). I just...stop caring...and when I stop caring...I can't (in most cases) reverse it.
I don't by any means think this is healthy or normal...and in certain cases the ping-pongery (que?) of it kinda makes me uneasy. My emotions are so shredded I'm pretty sure I'd make a therapist rich. But black ppl don't go to shrinks...(do we?)
I mean let me clarify...on something I take as seriously as the "L" word...It's not like...I love you today, and I hate you tomorrow...That would just make me bi-polar and probably a bit out of touch...i.e nuts.
But as someone who's a tad jaded in the love department...I can love you to death and still wish u the best but not want anything to do with u period.
A friend said to me today "I just want you to be good" ( as in OK), and my response was "me too".
Cuz I wish more than anything else that i was "good" or that it was just that simple. But really what ever is?
In a perfect world....(why did typing that just make me smirk?)
I used to be able to say "in a perfect world...blah blah blah..." But oddly nothing came to mind just now. (that's crazy)
But I feel like I'm straying from the point here. I feel like i have so much built up inside of me right now...anger, confusion, sadness, (ugh i sound so geigh!) And I've analyzed myself enough to know that it's from caring too much...abt ppl that can't/won't/don't know how to return the favor.
I have a HUGE heart ( a gift and a curse)...But certain ppl will always have a place in it...But when I feel like I've been played/wronged/taken for granted/or just flat out hurt...I'll love u forever, but you'll disappear to me. I don't hide, or change my number...i don't do anything blatant. I just limit our contact til there just is NO contact...and then just smile to myself when I get the out of the blue text "Why did we stop chillin, I miss u".
Can't be healthy...and i don't know when or how that became my way of handeling things. I don't even know what the remedy for this approach would be. Makes me come off real robotic and cold in a sense.
I can give u all I've got, open my chest up and lay my heart out there for u...Be the best friend in the world to u, be the chick you can't shake, cant forget, will always want...But the SECOND...I feel like you've done me dirty/wrong in any capacity...The second you take all that for granted...or assume I'm weak...
It's like the armor comes out...UNCONCIOUSLY...just like that I harden...(to that person, place or thing)
Now when I say this scares the crap out of me...smh.
Because I know myself well enough to know this "defense mechanism" won't last forever...When you harden like that and don't let hurt out...it builds, and builds, and builds....til u just SNAP!
See...I KNOW I'm gonna snap...just don't know, when...where, or what will cause it...
Just hoping when i do I'll be able to pick the pieces back up and put myself back together...
I almost feel like I need to wear a warning label for those closest to me...I love/care/give...TOO much...or not at ALL...