Keep in mind that I'm an artist...

And I'm sensitive about my shit. ~ ms. Badu.

But it's true, I am and I am. I'm the most talented lost person I know. Crazy as it sounds...I've gone through muuuuch transition surrounding the last few months of this year...from working a steady job...that was paying well, but I lacked ALL passion for what I was doing, and it essentially had become a dead end. I'd ALWAYS said I'd leave a job before I stayed somewhere that made me miserable. Money isnt, and has never been enough to hold me...and among many crazy looks, and are u sures and all that...I quit. In 4 years I'd been promoted 3 times, and truthfully had no where else to go with THAT company...I realized I'd never be happy there, so I made my exit. Took some time to get my mind right...still doin that now. I'm confident in my skills, confident in ME...but I don't know how to....market myself...and thats where I'm hitting a wall. I'm a makeup artist my trade, a damn good one at that, and 100% self taught might I add. Work featured on websites, my own site ( which needs updating) random magazines....but ATL is so over saturated with MUA's I'm kinda like....wow. Everyone's a photographer, makeup artist, model, producer, singer, rapper, something now a days...and I don't wanna just fall in with the rest...

Also I'm a writer, I have been my whole life...even my closest friends don't know the extent of the things I've written...

Wardrobe...I can dress ANYONE...male, female, child...I can dress you...from the shoes to the clothes to the accessories etc....but that's an over saturated market as well....everyone wants the flashy careers...but for an array of diff reasons. I don't need the lights camera action of it all...I just want to sincerely ENJOY what I do and if I can squeeze out a living while I'm at it even better...

For me it's no longer about a job....it's about a career, and passion for what I'm doing...work that speaks...

What's a girl to do? Don't get me wrong....no woe is me over here. I'm very determined, very strong...but at a very frustrating point in my life...I could easily snag an office job, workin a 9-5' collecting a steady check and being BORED out my ass.....but paid. I just don't feel like that's me...anymore. I'd really feel like I was going backwards...but what's needed to go forward. Just getting a pinky toe in the door would be enough for me to pry it open at this point in my life...but I'm feeling like I'm just overflowing with so much.....to create with nothing and no where to spill it onto. I know....in my bones...down deep....I'm destined for something huge....not the spotlight...but something so huge...the getting there part is alluding me right now though and I'd be lying if I said it didn't frustrate upset and scare me cause while I'm sitting here trying to figure out where to turn next...times still steady ticking away....i put alot of pressure on myself to figure this shit out and do SOMETHING already...."sigh, but just anything won't do. I keep getting told I'm not meant to be working for someone else,but u don't just wake up one day and start working for you....it's not an overnight thing....it's the steps leading up that have me so lost. The people around me have the dopest support systems in place....helping fuel their endeavors, weather it's a positive word, or a foot in the door, while me...I kinda feel like I'm flailing...and almost drowning several times out here by myself, but a small part of me feels like that's for a reason. I'm supposed to do this alone....so when alls said and done ....I know it was all ME. I dunno, maybe I'm idealistic, maybe I'm flat out wrong, only time will tell. But I guess having that cheering section would feel pretty good sometimes...looks so....powerful....but I'm on the outside looking in, cause I know with the cheering comes pressure. I'm not afraid of pressure...I'm afraid of making it to the top and looking around to see no one to celebrate that with.....

That...I knew you could do it, I always believed In you....or even just a hug or a good job at the end of a long ass rough ass road goes a loooong way....

But so far I've seen that talent alone isn't gonna cut it in this day and age...not anymore...I've come a long way...but i have so much farther left to go....

In an attempt to see ME clearer...

Figured I'd ramble about ME for a hot one. Maybe if I see it typed it it'll become clearer.

I'm hard on those I consider friends, but even harder on myself. Like if I call you MY friend I hold u in certain regard....once u let that down....*shrugs*, I think it's cause I hold MYSELF in such high regard, as I should( and so should you, don't give just anyone the privelages of callin u friend without earning that title) I don't have hundreds of friends...and I don't believe you do either...,if u have too many then you don't know what one really is...same goes with me loving you. If I say...or better yet SHOW you I ride for you, I'm down for u, call me when you need me, I support you, and I trust you, then don't ever again doubt that I do love you. I don't love easily but when I DO....I love haaaard. It's a bit of a flaw sometimes cause I canbe a bit possessive with those I love most.

I have a distinct jealous streak...I'm not specifically jealous in general...that streak comes few and far between, but when it strikes it's strong...I actuay dislike it alot. It's on my laundry list of things to work on inwardly...not the jealously cause I'm human, just in the ways I let it manifest. when I find that streak showing up I tend to distance myself from the person or situation causing it until I have a handle on myself again.

I can most definitely be a bitch and a half when I dislike you...and it's something that almost scares me about myself....I don't mean petty dislike...I mean the stuff that runs deep. Its a viciousness about me that I'm well aware of...I have been my whole life. I think I tend to keep my circle small more for the benefit of THEM, cause if for whatever reason you change our relationship to something negative, something ugly...I know where to cut you deepest...dangerous...and I don't like ever letting myself get to that place....thankfully when I feel it, I can force it back down in most cases, of just remove myself quickly enough that it won't happen. Rather walk away from you forever than say something I'm well aware can scar you permanently, or at least leave a very nasty bruise on your ego. Human nature is to hurt what hurts you...since I love so hard I hurt twice as hard...and that makes me want to hurt you....any way I can, it's very ugly but very true. Fortunately it's nothing I've had to deal with recently.

I can be borderline obnoxious when I want your attention and I feel I don't have it for whatever reason...it's low key obnoxious, but obnoxious non the less. Nothing short of embarrassing...lol, but it's another one of those...when I catch myself doing it, I pull aaaaaall the way back. Kinda reel myself in...put myself in a corner so to speak lol. I'm getting much muuuuuch better with that one though. Kinda learning that I don't need anyone that dosent need me...and this is strictly on a personal level...diff rules apply to business.

Gratuitous flirting is a new pet peeve of mine im becoming aware of...if ur flirt with me...and her, and her and her and her....then I'm slowly but surely gonna stop taking you serious. Especially under the guise of friendliness, networking, etc etc....i don't think people know the diff between the two anymore especially online. If we're doing business there's no need for a smiley, wink, etc etc to be anywhere in the convo...if its there then we've...or better yet YOU'VE left business behind.

People blur the lines way too much for me...sometimes I wanna remind them all....it's the Internet!! We can SEE YOU!! Stop.

I'm low key competitive...wether its your attention, a promotion, responsibility, friendship, I'm like me me mememe!!!! *hand waving in the air*.... Like give me the opportunity to be whatever it is you're needing me to be and watch me do it better than anyone else...crazy I know. But that's the point of this post...stripping myself bare.

I'm quite moody. I think that's partially because I'm so in my head...constantly thinking, feeling, analyzing, etc...that mixed in with constantly observing those around me...it can send my thoughts...and therefore my moods into a complete tailspin....I think I internalize things too much though. Cause at the end of all this....to know me you'd never know any of this....how's the poem start..."We wear the Mask" still one of my FAV poems to date...

That's all for now..

Year end or just because...rambling.

Got this idea from my favorite to try a post like this...might be therapeutic. So here goes.

I wish you didn't love me....seriously, or maybe not quite so damn much shit. I've never been more confused about life than I have been the last 2 months. Why do you try so hard? Then not at all, then harder than hard...like,get a therapist. How old is too old? I love you, you love me, but something's different. You're the first person for me to decide I want in my life in any capacity I can have you. I'm scared to death to lose you....but maybe that's how he's feeling about me. You can't make someone fall in love with you, you can't force it. Stop. Im jealous of your relationship with her. I can admit it. Once upon a time there was nothing I wouldn't have done for you, how does it make you feel knowing I'll never be that again? Like...do you KNOW you come off like a major attention whore and it's clear your overcompensating all over the Internet? Feel free to stop. It's kinda nauseating. Everyone can't be your "best friend" cut it out. Please don't think just cause I don't say much I don't see you...trust me I see EVERYTHING, he's alot like me in tht way....I don't enjoy driving, put me back on the NYC subways and I'll be juuuuust fine. Stop frontin so hard, no one cares I promise, and unless u plan to be buried in all that "designer vintage" I don't see where it's gonna get you.... U must've been made fun of as a child, shit maybe even more so as an adult. But one more time....no one cares....I admire your work ethic but something about u dosent sit well with me, never been one for by any means necessary/ruthless business tactics....social networking is a necessary evil...I had no idea you were such a flirt...you like that off the keyboard too?.....as business minded as you are, burning bridges is NEVER smart. I'm business minded...but I'm missing some key component somewhere. I miss kissing, like deep passionate leave you out of breath kissing, is it possible to love but not be attracted to?.... Am I a bitch for that? You're not as...."sexy" as you think. Sometimes I feel like life is that moving sidewalk at the airport. Everyone's on it, while I'm walking dragging my suitcase...I'm not into girls, guess u didn't know that, but if I were you're not even my type lol. Friends are the family you choose, you're closer to me than blood, which I'm grateful for and sometimes sad about all at once. You're so awkward socially, I can still see the nervousness, but it's only cause I know you so well....we were SO tight once and now u disgust me. I hope figuring yourself out was worth losing someone that was down for you no matter what, can't lie I, still hurts to know that you thought so little of me and my friendship that it was worth the gamble, oh but I forgot...you still love me right? Remember ....you have a daughter.... that's all I'm gonna say. You don't think before you speak and it's coming back to bite you in the ass. I'm glad you found someone willing to stay but that just makes me wonder wtf is wrong with HER, lol sorry but it's true, and kinda sad. Desperation maybe? Unlike Drake I like sleeping alone. If I could turn back time....but can't so lets not go there. I miss songs in A minor for so many reasons. Why or better yet how do u have so much $$ when you come off so unintelligent? Another online persona? Not you too... Oh just add it in with the rest. I'm sorry your work dosent impress me, ...some of the most talented people I know are wasting it. OMG if I pay you will you stfu and never tweet/FB again? You're never coming over, I'm never inviting you, you'll never have my address, or know where i live stop hinting. Um....I don't like you like tht and I'm not sorry. Raise a man to understand his emotions, but don't raise a man to be a cryer. I can't be the one always wiping your tears...* Riley freeman voice* nigga you gay. Who told you, you were sexy...ole bird chested ass, have a seat thanks. I feel like a wild woman, a lioness when my hair is curly, I think that's why I'm missing it. Please don't tell me how you want me to do my job, thanks. We are not alike...and i know you wish we were...I see through you, no for real, I do.I hate to say it but its true....I see why she cheated. Sorry. But man the fuck up. I think women only want a man to be sensitive to a degree, lol. Don't out sensitive me please. When you say u love me I get butterflies, when he says he loves ,me I get uncomfortable. .....yo you are NOT deep, you're just not, listening to Esperanza, smoking weed, burning incense, and writing bad poetry that dosent make sense dosent make you roots-n-culture it makes u an effin weirdo. I swear if your a bad tipper I get embarrassed that I'm out with you. I swear if you make me walk on the outside of the street I don't think you're a gentleman anymore. I swear I miss when dudes opened your car door, makes me smile when valets do it, and that's hella sad. I miss the vibe of LA...I don't see myself in ATL forever, would Love to rekindle my affair with NY. People that insist on living their lives in the exact same place scare me. You're not more driven than me, nor are u more talented, u just kissed all the right asses. Point blank. I kinda don't feel...protected with you which makes me not wanna be seen with you. I don't love muscles, but I love yours....faces and bodies don't match anymore...it's sad. Manscaping is very necessary. I hear too many I love you but don't see enough demonstrations of it...makes me sad cause I don't want to become that jaded to hearing it. You're not handsome, not sexy, our shoe game is wack, and how are u filming a video when you have no album or label? Are we still doing this in 2011? Whys your girl look like your mom? I'm a sucker for a dope COUPLE, look fly together, that's sexy. I'm not afraid to give compliments. I don't like giving you too much of my attention, you take it wrong every time...i like u as a friend, but ur dick pics are gross, theres only one i like lookin at lol.... if you spell "guap" wrong u don't have any... just saying. Actually the most materially (is that a word, no its not) wealthy people i know don't care about FB pics. take note.....your shoes cost a G, but whats your bank account look like? Stop texting me...call me. I'm dead ass starting to ignore texts for 2012. Try me if you want to. I don't mean to hurt your feelings i really don't...but you've been careless with mine for so long...i find myself no longer giving a fuck. That over head camera angle works wonders. lol. Being pretty isn't a substitute for brains... you're not mixed with 15 diff nationalities, stfu. Stop trying so hard to be "exotic". YOU DON'T...i repeat DON'T have any haters...disagreeing with your bullshit dosent make me a hater. I swear some of ya'll just want "yes men" around you...miss me with that. I need the kind of people around me that will call me on my bullshit. Cause i KNOW i be on it sometimes lol. Dead ass...i'm awesome, like legitimately so....you never knew me, and now i know why... you'd have never been able to understand me....have a life outside of me please...i don't want to be your life...you wont be mine, just saying. Stop being so damn accessible....does every deep breath you take have to be followed with tweet and pic? I'm not anti weave, I'm anti BAD weave...dudes still lie on their dick? Does it matter where you got your purse from....? hair done, nails done...but you're dumb. You've got bad taste in friends...like really bad. Ignore a bbm from me and it'll be the last one you get. Stop talkin about my bottom lip, its low key creepy...creep. Womens bodies are sexy as shit,...There needs to be a state that comes with the views and peacefulness of LA, but the pace and grit of NY...contradiction...if i could find both I'd move today. 2012 I'm not gonna speak on it...just watch. I LOVE you to death...but you don't know nearly as much as you think you do and listening to you talk is low key annoying...but i DO love u lol. if you cant keep a man...ever...chances are its not always them....i can help you but you're too set in your ways... you're SO judgmental...biggest turn off ever. I'm letting fewer and fewer people get close as I get older...i'm not antisocial...just protecting my investment....i want you to hear me , but I'm afraid to let you....on second thought i don't think we were ever really friends....

I'm gonna stop this here, because i went much longer than intended...but it felt good.

Saw this somewhere...

"My father broke my heart long before any boy had a chance to."

Saw this line somewhere....was sad to me cause it was true.

....

If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy,
The only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.

~ C.S Lewis

If...

And if I'm never able to call him mine again, I still couldn't possibly love him any less...and that's 100% real.

When the last time...

I'm sure everyone has made someone proud in their lives at some point right? Be it academically, career wise, personal decision....but it's jarring to realize you can't remember hearing that...ever. Im not gonna disclose too much family info on here, but I've been trying to self diagnose....or at least figure myself out better. Single mom, 2 kids...dad, doin him. Sounds too typical right, but I never wanted for anything...if I didn't have anything I needed I couldn't name it....but there's nothing like seeing someone proud of u, their eyes shining with admiration...smiles, love, I've been that proud before and I always try to let it be known....I'm proud of u, what you've done, how hard you work, you've come from....

What am I doing, or have I done to make anyone proud? I'm not about to post my resume and accomplishments...but things like this shape your image of yourself...I've graduated, gone to college, have a career I enjoy, never went to jail, or got knocked up young....stayed under the radar enough to almost go unnoticed I guess...maybe that's what was wrong...maybe it's knowing people that have done such huge things while I'm just here being me...and that's not very noteworthy in a world full of so many people doing...what to me seems like so much more...I'm not comparing myself, or at least not trying to....but it chilled me to sut here today and realize I have no idea the last time if EVER I've made someone proud....fighting back tears at this thought. I swear my blog won't stay this depressing...it's just serving as my haven right now..gotta stay smiling for the rest of the world. Just trying to figure out what happens when just being you....isn't really enough.

Widening the gap....

It feels like you're trying to stop a train with your bare hands...I mean imagine jumping on then tracks at 59th street trying to command the A to slow down....or just flat-out stop. You're either going to get run over or dragged along under it, but either way you're gonna die trying...

That's a bit dramatic, but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. When you love someone so much, and they've been a part of your life for so long, but all you feel is distance growing sprinkled with a close moment here and there what do you do? Try to fill your hands with water...I mean fill them and hold it. You can't...you're just left with wet hands...evidence that it was there but it's still gone. To be fair I am going through some communication pet peeves...the Internet is starting to rub me the wrong way, as a whole...( I say this as I'm typing a damn blog...shut up) but I miss REAL communication, but understand that it's all about convenience now...so a text/ bbm/email is sometimes more realistic than a phone call...but since when have I been a realist? I'd rather be inconvenienced by a phone call than feel like I'm losing someone that I wouldn't be me without...true when I lived in NY it was a lot easier to grab some free moments to take a walk and talk, to hang out and whoever's house and watch tv...but does that mean thats it's not possible to keep that closeness just cause we're no longer in close proximity? You cant have close friends(?) unless you guys live a commute from each other? That's such a sad thought...actually brings tears to my eyes, but thats not saying much since I've been overly emotional as a whole for over a month now...but I digress.

My question...is what do I do? How do I stop this? Can I reverse it? Lose the metaphoric "gap" quickly widening between us...or just remember what was, smile at the memories and accept is as life....? Ugh that last one dosent even sound halfway right, I'm the QUEEN of letting people walk away that brought nothing to my life...and if this was just anyone, this post wouldn't even be happening....but to be honest I can't imagine no him in my life...can't even wrap my mind around the fact that "we" might be a permanently past tense thing.

Not to be too much of an idealist but this...funk I've been in has me reexamining life and realizing before you know it it's gone...people...opportunities...it's a scary thought. When the pace and "convenience" of communication slows down long enough for you to step back and take a look, what are you really left with? Shell of something that was once such a...HUGE part of your life....your heart...

I'm depressing myself...but how many ways can you say I miss you? I miss us? Before you just sound repetitive? If I lose him I've lost a part of me, that simple.

Misplaced...

Myself....I cant find me....Lost is a scary scary feeling.

Real..

Read that....a real warrior will do anything when he's at war, and that a real lover will do anything when he's in love....deep. Gives new meaning to..." are you a lover or a fighter" ? It made me smile though...

Right....right....

Black people don't see shrinks right? ....right? Who do you go see when you no longer recognize the face in the mirror though?

Lost Among the lights....

.....blowing the dust off the cover, haven't been here in a while...and I'm pretty sure no one reads this anymore...but maybe that's what I needed.


I'm home again, NY NY .... Home....is such a weird word to me know. NY is buried deep in my heart and it's what makes me me, so it is and will always be my home. But what happens when you go home....and feel lost...not physically lost like can't find your way around lost, but lost like....where do I belong lost. the hustle and pace of the city is what I love about it so so much, but at the same time it can make you feel quite....insignificant. Lost among the pace, the faces, the speed, the lights...I've never felt so disconnected to that and those that I love so much ever before in my life and it's a jarring feeling....so jarring that I'm in the city that holds my heart and I'm crying now more than I have in months. Scary as shit. For real. Ny'ers are a rare breed....I pride myself on being one. That ability to just fall in line with the melee. I think I can for the first time in 32 years fully grasp what it means to feel alone in a room full of people. I'm in a city of millions....and I can't remember the last time I felt this completely alone.....well correction lonely. Cabbin it back to my room last night was the first time the lights of manhattan made me feel anything less than happiness, excitement, nostalgia , for the first time I felt...slightly sad.....I'm a loner by nature,..I love and hate that about myself all at once...but feeling LONLEY....yeah no good. Maybe the me that lived here 5 years ago and the me thats evolved and grown .... Feel displaced here now,.easy to feel small in a city so big, I dunno, I'm over thinking maybe, I'm just venting...and there is no end or conclusion to this piece....this is just me getting some stuff out, better out than in right?

What IS sexy...Mens Edition 2011

It came to me real randomly...( oh and hey...I been hardcore neglecting this blog, so to those that'll read it, my bad. To those that don't I'm sure you didn't notice I was gone anyway...now back to the subject at hand...)

I was watching "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" and there was a scene where Johnny Depp and what's her face were in the kitchen yadda yadda yadda, fast forward to her coming up behind him, pushing his hair to the side attempting to kiss him. I noticed his jawline like instantly! ( Duh who hasn't) But in that scene, since it was a close up and you couldn't even see his whole face I was like...Damn! A chiseled jawline on a man is sexy as hell!!

So enter the blog topic...what is sexy...(to you)...well really to me since it's MY blog...but you get the idea. I don't mean the obvious sexy either, not a six pack, or hella muscles, truth be told I'm not a fan of real muscular guys...but the subtle stuff you don't always spot right away.

Look at the strong jaw...mad sexy eff what ya heard...


Next thing that crossed my mind I guess might be kinda obvious is some nice lips...I LOVE lips. Some unattractive ass men have some SEXY lips...Truth be told if they're that nice don't let me have a few drinks cause I can tune you out easy and just watch them move...mad shallow I know but ah well...it's a shallow kind of day...lol
And i don't mean some L.L type soup coolers...but some nice full sexy..."sigh ok lemmie stop lol
I DO have 2 homeboys that have some of the nicest lips in the game, but the streets are watching so their pics won't appear here lol. But til I can find a comparable celeb shot I'll post...Omarion...lol
Truth be told he's not in the least bit attractive to me...But his lips...yup!
Full bottom one + nicely shaped top one...= mmmmmm mmmm good.


Next we have
...(um whats that area on a guy called...like his upper back but along his shoulder leading to his neck or whatever...) I know I'm describing it all kinds of wrong but I'll show you...

See the muscle coming out the top of the sweater...YES and yes!!


See THIS is the stuff I see on men fully clothed and in the most innocent of situations that'll cause my spidey sense to start tingling....hmmmm...let me see if I can think up a 4th....

Actually nah, I'll stop there, that's my top 3. Feel free to post yours.... ;-)

Deuces!