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" you'll meet her. She's very pretty , even though she's sometimes sad for many days at a time. You'll see, when she smiles, you'll love her."

~Pans Labyrinth

 

 

 

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Footsteps...

Constantly searching...coming close but not finding.

My feet are getting tired...

Making me start to wonder what is it I'm really looking for anymore.

 

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Eh..

Morbid ass thought...but everyone's entitled to one. Sometimes I truly do want to disappear. Just wonder sometimes who'd notice I was gone. Not suicidal or anything crazy like tht...but when u feel taken for granted...sometimes you can't help but wonder what would happen if you just weren't there....like...who are you REALLY important to? Just thinking...too much thinking...

 

 

 

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What I thought was disappointment is manifesting itself as flat out anger...all while the gap is widening. So what do u say when you don't know what else to say...or do for that matter....

 

You say nothing.

 

Wondering why....sometimes.

You ever wonder...sometimes watching those around you...weather you know them personally or not....Why God just "sees it" for some people and not necessarily for others...or correction...not in the same ways...

 

Everyone isn't destined to live lavishly...people have callings, I get that. I know what God has for me is for ME and it may not be whats meant for someone else and vice vera...But I can't help but wonder...with no jealousy lacing it...WHY him/her...but not me ... (yet). I've got such a dynamic circle...it's very small. But as I get older and wiser I much prefer it that way more often that not...I've got friends on their grind, I don't have a lazy bunch around me. Just can't help but wonder sometimes...am i not grindingnhard enough? Am i missing something somewhere? was I not destined for that life? If no....then why not? I know better than to question God and the way he moves so I'm just gonna call this me thinking outloud...

I see the pics, the cars, the trips, the obvious success and money flowing...and for them...I'm happy. 100% happy to see those I love happy, but wondering...when's it my turn? Do I get to go shopping just because, get the house, the closets, the car, the LIFE....that you only read about or see on tv but don't think real life people outside of celebrities live it? Don't get me wrong, it's really not about the material , although I'm not gonna lie like some of that isn't cool as hell to have...it's about living the life of less worries. Your bills are paid, nothing's getting cut off, no need to call and make payment arrangements, no juggling, being able to take care of those around you..that life of comfort and security...it almost seems unreal sometimes...but it's so very not.

Everything has a season, all in due time. I'm very VERY thankful for all I have, and how far I've come, But I guess...when I'm juggling struggles every now and then...I just can't help but wonder...when's it my turn...?

 

 

Hello..

...the way that you protect your friends

Baby, I respect you for that

And when you grow, you take everyone you love along,

I love that shit.

...don't fly me away

Don't need to buy a diamond key to unlock my heart
You shelter my soul
You're my fire when I'm cold
I want you to know

You had me at hello
Hello
Hello
You had me at hello
Hello
Hello
It was many years ago
Baby when you
Stole my cool
Cause you had me at hello...

Gotta feel you and be near you
You're the air that I breathe to survive
Gotta hold you, wanna show you
That without you my sun doesn't shine
You don't have to try so hard for me to love you
Boy, without you my life just ain't the same
You don't have to try so hard for me to love you
You had me at hello....

Still one of my all time faves by Mrs. Beyonce' Giselle Knowles-Carter...so relevant sometimes...just the kinda zone I'm in today....

Love...real, raw love....there's nothing like it.

 

 

Man in the mirror...

Severe...seveeeeeere self examination coming on. I can feel it. We spend so much time spotting the "wrongery" running rampant online...feel some type of way about the things that come across our "timelines" daily...

Asking myself recently, why? What does it stem from? Why am I annoyed, irked, angered, or even in very rare occasions envious...why? So many "whys" crossing my mind...causing me to turn inside and check me out...dig deep and really SEE myself...deeper then the reflection in the mirror....

 

 

 

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A strong girl keeps her stuff in line-and with tears running she still manages to spit the simple words “I’m fine.”...

~unknown

White flag...

Ever have those "fuck it I don't care anymore" moments...I'm stuck in one now, and I feel like I'm gettin pulled deeper and deeper into that. I don't like it, I've been fighting it...but today...hopefully just today ....I don't have it in me. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs until I collapse from the sheer exhaustion alone...

I'm fighting to LIVE life the way it should be lived...obstacles come, they happen to everyone...but I'm getting to the point where I don't remember NOT fighting...weather it's money, travel, happiness, career...I'm tired. I'm tired of the constant uphill that my life has become over the past 5 years...I'm stronger than I ever knew I was, but I've gotten so tired of trying to be strong all the time, if I don't bend soon I'm going to break...this is the first time in a long time that just giving up has even been a thought for me.

Guess Im becoming aware of the fact that its a constant struggle...for me to be happy, thinking back I don't think it used to be. It's harder than anyone can imagine until they've felt it for themselves...to have that constant, struggle, constant aloneness...I think that's the one that's pulling at me...the alone....I ended up getting real emotional the other night...behind the simplest comment..."you look so happy in that pic" and I sat and looked at it...and he was right I did. But those kinds of pics, those moments...are so far between...it shook me a little. I don't have pics with that kind of happiness, laughter, etc...here. I flipped through my phone, through my galleries, none...mad me so sad ..."sigh. It feels like a losing battle,I'm exhausting so much energy and I'm not moving...and today...I'm tired...of everything.

 

It's never been me to just give up, it's never been me to just throw in the towel...tired of fighting to live my life, and just letting it live me...if that makes sense...I'm sad...as simple and as elementary as that sounds. Its most accurate. I'm sad...with moments of happiness thrown in, while for the rest of the world it's usually the other way around. Funny thing is I'm almost positive...NO ONE knows how deep it goes...my closest of close friends...my family...not a soul. I find myself looking in the mirror differently than I used to...I don't look at my face...I look at my eyes.

It's one of those cute cliche quote...the eyes are the windows...etc etc. I know how sad I really am down deep...sometimes I wonder if my eyes show that when you really look. I don't think so. Funny, he calls me bright eyes...has for years. I knew why originally. They don't look very bright to me anymore...makes me wonder what I look like to the rest of the world...

Content, pretty, happy, ... Goes to show, you never really know...

 

Truth.

 

 

Ache..

That dull aching that comes from missing...not just the person, but the things you associate with them. That easy affection, hand holding, hugs, quick kisses at red lights...just the nearness...of just being in the same room even when we're not touching each other....Talkin, laughing, tv...

 

Guess Im just in that place today...dealing with that dull ache. The need for that connection, and the understanding growing and changing but missing some of the initial innocence...those gestures that kept me up at night hugging my pillow and smiling...thinking and remembering...

 

Songs, movies, all kinds of things flip that switch...I love loving ....but when that ache is present , and the person isn't....I wish for an off switch. Guess I just miss him...

How does it feel...

 

Keep humming that D'angelo song as I try to find the words...to descibe how it feels....the in,the out, the faster, then slower, the wetness, the friction, ....I've never been one to "kiss & tell" but I'm always up for a challenge...

Being descriptive ... That I can do. It's all about the build up though, and we..( he and I) are excellent at the build up..We set a damn good scene, I think that's what makes the chemistry between us solid...

 

That kisses,the breathing, the hands...the heart rate. By the time I get to feel his skin on mine I'm ready to explode right there. That gasp..upon him sliding in is the moment I live for....reminisce about.

 

Now words, just breathing, no clothes, just sheets, him hovering over me feeling the weight of his body pinning mine down and I can feel him against my thighs...the throbbing, the heat...and by the time he's that close I'm soaked...I feel the head first and I always gasp and shiver just a little, mainly from anticipation cause I know him, the way he fits me like the back of my hand. I love that. I know the size, the shape, the way it fits in my palm...(or mouth). I run my fingers over it first, always have to...something about how hard, smooth and warm he is...i have to trace the head with my fingers..always have to. I know his taste, the scent of his skin....He fills me up. Initially..always gradual. He likes to tease me, build that anticipation..til I grab it myself and slide it in. Always a little resistance, I'm always kinda tight but I love that...him having to ease his way in....almost force his way in. That resistance, that tightness allows me to feel every inch of him. I can feel him throbbing and I always try to grip back for every throb I feel. I almost don't want to be as wet sometimes...so I can feeeeel more. That must sound crazy, but it's true...the more friction...feeling him grazing my walls is nothing short of euphoric. The friction of his skin inside me....the rubbing, pulling, the heat mixed with the wetness of it all is like no other feeling. Once past the initial strokes, he gets so deep. Hits walls I didn't know I had...reaches the back and still somehow goes deeper. Almost like he grows to fit me once he's inside cause once he is there's not an inch of space he dosent fill.

The veins that become visible the harder he gets...I swear I can even feel those once he's inside me. I'd keep him there hours at a time if I could...there's no one metaphor that can do that feeling justice...looks like I'm needing...him again...after all this description...(and again, and again, and again....)

Hope that was descriptive enough....

 

 

 

To you...with love.

No stranger to my posts both directly and indirectly. I debated on even doing a post...then debated on what I'd want it to say....debated on keeping it simple...debating on going deep. Came to the conclusion ...of just going with my heart. In 32 years it hasn't failed me in the areas that matter most. We're in a ...delicate...sensitive space right now....in my opinion at least. I'm kinda just feeling my way along, but this post isn't about that. This is to say...how much I love, adore, value, and cherish the person you've proven to be in my life....on the day that celebrates the start of yours....You told me just recently you'd lay down your life for mine without hesitation...and although that wasn't new to me hearing it from you...this time it resonated...this time....for lack of wording....I believed it. You'll never in this lifetime understand what your existence means to me. I'll never possess the words strong enough, if they even exist. Which is why your birthday means so much to me. That might sounds crazy...but I'm miles past worrying about what I sound like...you always seem to understand anyway. So from the very bottom of my heart, with all the love I have....Happy Birthday to you. In the simplest and most direct term...I love you. I wouldn't be me without you. HUGE part of my life and one of my very best friends ever. Seen me through soooo much, laughter, tears, fear, anger, I could go on...but there's no need. You get it. Distance has made zero difference in what we are...beautifully undefinable. My eternal bodyguard. I've always been of the belief that people don't enter your life by accident...there is always a reason. They are either there for a season or for a lifetime...at this stage in the game I feel safe in saying your place in mine is for a lifetime...Happy Birthday to you Jay, from the bottom of my heart, and with all my love.

 

 

 

miss me a little when I'm gone...

I was talking to my boy the other night, about some things he's going through in his personal life...Some thoughts I can 100% relate to, I'm not gonna get into all that hes dealing with, but it struck a few chords with me, triggered a few thoughts...not that it ever takes much to get my mind spinning. Do you ever wonder if you were gone who would miss you...I'm not thinking morbidly. It's just a realistic question...how much of a mark have you left in the lives of those around you that your presence or lack there of would be notable.

 

I mean there's always the given, family, a handful of close friends...but sometimes I think...how much difference would my absence make? You might shed a tear or two but as life always does...it goes on. Hmmmm, there's so many people that I just can't wrap my head around being without, that if I lost them I don't know how I'd recover....so sometimes I can't help but wonder who sees me that way? How memorable am I? How much impact have I made? It's just food for thought. Everyone wants to feel like they've made/make a difference...and they say there are people who's lives you'll have touched that you'll never know how deeply...

 

Don't get me wrong...I don't want life to stop if I'm no longer here. I don't want people throwing themselves on my grave so to speak...I just can't help but wonder sometimes...who have I touched...and in what way, that me being absent going forward would notice the space I left? Just thoughts....

 

 

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In the silence of the city night

When the lonely watch the sky in yearning
I, at rest, lie in peace beside you
I searched a thousand skies before you came
And in the morning, when the world is new
The lonely turn away, as I turn to you, beside me
And in the quiet of the afternoon, when the lonely roam
I turn beside, and you are with me still
I roamed a thousand miles before you came...

 

Trying to find peace any way I can tonight....

 

Nights like this...

It's a process...day by day, nights prove to be the hardest...too quiet, too many thoughts, toooo too many emotions.

 

Definitions...

There is a huge difference between a woman that wants you and a woman that needs you...I have to learn to let certain notions go...

 

Aftermath...

The strange calmness that follows a storm...it's always been the most indescribable part of storms...the stillness after. I've felt so many things in such a short period of time...and I can't say that all is clear now, I'm still feeling....something....but I don't know what. Alongside that is the confusion...I guess I'm moving past it, it's they "whys" that still linger here and there. Not the obvious whys...although those are there too. I do wonder what made her decide to tell me...I do wonder why her...

 

Chalk it up to bad judgement? Moment(s) of weakness...human right? This is where the confusion creeps back in. And the "what if"'s....it's been a wave of thoughts...anger, hurt, more anger, more hurt....tears mixed in, the calm that follows with finally talking about it, recognizing the regret..understanding it was a mistake in the attempt to protect my feelings which I can understand ' that ever present want to protect me....to not hurt me. I love that so much about who he is to me. My eternal bodyguard, trying to protect my heart at all costs. So I can't imagine how he feels/felt knowing that backfired. That ever present want to protect me is what keeps me from being angry. I can't erase it but I think I can move past it.

 

Situations like these are why at this stage in my life titles don't matter to me. I've never referred to him as an ex, doubt I ever will. I can't call him mine...but my hearts tied to his indefinitely so call him what you want...no one will ever fully understand what "we" are...ourselves included. I've learned to be fine with that. What bothered me wasn't the act...she was so nonchalant about it...."sigh. But anyway, no it wasn't the act, it was the thought that could someone possibly have come between what he and I have. Someone that clearly didn't...think of him the way I do. I know from the conversation there's more she wanted to tell me, but I'm fine with leaving that where it is. Don't know if he will do the same, but if it's past let it be past...the only actions I can control are my own though...

 

My mind wanders too much for my own good, so I'm trying not to compare...trying to not think of how he is with me...and inserting her into that role...that's the part that shakes me slightly still, even after the calm. Maybe that's part of what I'm feeling that I can't put into words. I'm not sure. One step at a time. We spoke. We are good. The rest will come with time. Now when I catch my mind wandering I snap myself out of it quickly...your own thoughts can be your worst enemy sometimes...All boils down to openness, and communication...it's progress. Maybe it was for a reason...I mean isn't everything....?

 

Trying..

To put what I'm feeling into words but having the hardest time ever. I'm just gonna type cause I don't know what else to do. My heart physically hurts, literal pain. So many thoughts in my head and I'm trying so hard to just shake this uneasy feeling off. I let myself get SO caught up in wanting someone that I could tell didn't want me the same way...fooling myself into thinking something was better than nothing at all. Fool. Fool has been stuck deep in my thoughts repeating over and over for the past 24 hours. I think that's what hurts more. I feel like I compromised so much of what I am for one person. So muuuch I was normally against, uncomfortable with...I did. All because...I mean I wanted to because I loved....hard. Wanted so badly.

 

Pics, vids...the way we spoke...I thought all that was reserved for me...now, not so much. And then the questions in my head that are swirling that I don't want answered. Did you kiss her like you kiss me? Touch her like you touch me? Make her feel what I felt? All that stuff I thought made me and you...this undefined "us" thing...different....exclusive....special.

 

But on another level it's the lie that sticks out at me. I can't put that part into words. And to receive that information so nonchalantly...so casually...so conversationally...just shows me she dosent/didn't care the way I do/did. But she was worth the lie...from someone I'd have put my life on never telling me anything less than the truth. Someone die hard loyal to me...THAT burns..like you wouldn't believe. And after all that pain, confusion, and tears...numbness is what's left. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what move to make. Do I just carry on like it's all good when inside I'm anything but? I'm supposed to just say hey, how was you day through tears? Do I just go back to hanging out like we're just cool...like....HOW? How do I do that? Then of course the doubts follow, in the back of my head what else don't I know? Who else was there?

 

Fool. There goes that word. While like an ass I'm missing him so much it hurts, well that hurts been replaced. Different kind. I'm writing poems, taking pics. Fool. Calling, emailing, texting. Fool. Fool fool fool....bedroom full of stuff he gave me. Made me feel good being able to see it around me knowing I'm far...fool. My circle is so small...so so small. To know I may have lost one of the closest....10+ years deep. It's a haze...I'm just..numb. Like things are just happening around me now...and Im not even sure he's affected....not that I need him to be. I been still all day. Been still since that message was sent to me. Just been...still. Faking a smile that dosent make it to my eyes...cause those are still wet. Those are still crying.

 

I thought this chapter of my life had ended. That whole heavy heartache chapter. I've felt this before, I know it's temporary. But I figured I'd outgrown it...and the people that made it this far in my life were solid and here for a reason. Those left wouldn't ...couldn't....like I wouldn't associate hurt with them. Guess you can never know for sure. Thing is I'm not mad, initially I was mad...physically...uncontrollably shaking...scared the shit out of me to feel my body shaking like that. To have that strong a reaction...but I'm not mad now. This hurt runs deep thought...like I'm scared. I lost something in me somewhere in the last 24 hours...lost something...that I can't put a finger on, and it scares me....I'm scared to death of losing faith, being jaded, getting used to hurt....I don't want to be that person. My foundation has been shaken to the core though...knocked me off balance and I'm not sure what to do to recover and regain steady footing. So much I wanted to do...

It helps slightly to get it out of my head...slightly,...still processing, still hurt,...still confused...still....just still.

 

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And again..."sigh.

 

Dead

"we've fucked before" shortest most jarring DM I've ever gotten...my hands are shaking, but it all makes sense now. Got it, I guess. It hurts...and I haven't cried in forever...

That makes me a fool...but not anymore.

Life..is..

 So long

So short 

So painful

So beautiful

So tiring

So peaceful

So draining...

I've felt so many emotions, highs and lows, tears, anger, laugher, excitement...all in the course of one of the longest weeks of my life this week. It's amazing...full moon I guess. The beauty of living and being is how alive it can make you feel. You become so much more aware when you're feeling so much....I'm always been in control of my emotions and having them swirling all over as they have been recently, both good and bad with the normal peaks and valleys although making me feel alive...with tomorrow being Sunday the end of this long week....I feel so drained...like limp. If I feel one more emotion I may short circuit. like if you turn too many appliances on in your apartment you may blow a fuse. It's not good or bad...this drained feeling. It's just...natural overload. At least that's what I'm telling myself....I need....to just be...and to stop feeling for a little while....

My main flaw is I feel too much...that may sound weird. But for me, feeling>>>thinking>>>actions>>>feelings>>>thinking.... It's ongoing. I feel, then think, then act, then feel some more, then think some more....gotta figure out how to stop the train....I want to get off for a little while....just to rewire. Just for a little while...

SMMFH...

 Ever feel like you've been played? That shit hurts like a blow to the chest, and stings like hot needles all at the same time. I'm so angry my eyes are burning...vision blurry. Mad at myself that's the crazy part...cause I should've known better. Bent rules...all kinda of bullshit. So in actuality...I played myself...that's what burns most of all. Walls going back up, cause I haven't felt this kind of burn in years and I didn't miss it. From a most unexpected source too...blindsided. Lesson learned though...there's always a lesson right? Or is that just what we tell ourselves to make it hurt a little less...? I feel like screaming til my lungs collapse....dead ass. 

 

Burns...

 There is nothing more heart wrenching...than someone pouring their heart out to you, professing their love for you, and almost begging you to be with them...when you just don't feel the same way....The longing and want present in their words is so...real, and so vulnerable. Forcing yourself to feel the same is wrong...yet you almost want to to ease their pain a little...

 

Love is a hell of a drug...it can make you feel higher than high and lower than low all at once. I'm always SO careful, or at least I try to be with the emotions of others...sometimes so careful I can neglect my own. How do you respond to such intense raw emotion...? I can't break another heart, Ive broken a few and it's an awful feeling, one I still carry with me. But I can't, never have been the type to give in to what you want just to spare your feelings...

 

Do you say I'm sorry you love me so much? What do you say....thank you? I wish I knew what I did to make him feel so deeply....so I could undo it, but how do I undo being myself...I hurt for him, and I wish he didn't want me. Funny cause I never thought I'd ever say those words...but it's true. After not being wanted back myself before....I know how it feels. But it echoes in my head...I wish he didn't want me...

I know how it burns...but my heart is elsewhere....Funny how that works sometimes...

 

 

Make it like....

 Poetry, poetry, poetry. Everything wrong you see make it alright..make it like...~ Tamia

 

Lost medium I believe, and I miss it so much. There once was a time where i'd get the most beautiful most heartfelt words ever inked. No by email, text, or any of that. But in his own writing. His penmanship that would demonstrate his love for me, his nerves visable in the letters and lines, inking something so personal with the intent of giving it away...with the intent of giving me a part of him on paper that I'd keep forever. .. I miss that deep down to the core of me. His words on paper were the most beautiful....the most expressive....I'd give anything....

 

But that's not what this post was supposed to be about....? Or was it...

But my favorite poet...Pablo Neruda, has been heavy on my mind recently...oh what it would feel like to open a letter again, see the beautiful words on the page in his writing...SEE his feelings for me wrapped in those words...hopeless romantic I am....total sucker for it. But the true romance...that passion, that sheer feeling and emotion...that seeing the actual writing knowing it was written with only YOU in mind can convey....god i miiiiiiiss it. I want to read something again that brings tears to my eyes, butterflies to my stomach, that feeling of my heart beating faster then slower then faster...from knowing not only that someone feels so strongly for me...but thought enough of me in this digital age to write. Write til his hand hurt, write with me filling his thoughts, so strong he can still smell me, taste me , feel me....and spill all that into the pages...that passion on paper. Leaving me his heart on the page. 

 

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” 
― Pablo Neruda

Words...his words...I miss them.